Music of the Day

Episode 18 Vocal Trance Podcast

I love trance with all my heart. Thought I'd share this with you!

No Rescuer....

As I said yesterday, I am embarking on a journey to figure out WHY i fix people in my life up. More specifically, why I get into relationships with men who need fixing up. I'm reading a book called Let Go by Sheila Walsh. She made a powerful point to me last night: "I never wanted to be rescued. At least that's what I told myself. I wanted to be the one doing the rescuing. I know now life had taught me to not look for a rescuer-no one was coming, so I'd better take care of myself." Wow. I can relate so much to this, although I DID want to be rescued. I didn't have the normal childhood. There were a lot of crazy circumstances and therefore tough situations that I had to endure, and some were more than I thought I could endure. I begged anyone who would listen to me for help, but no one came. NO ONE. I lost faith in humanity at such a young age. Not so much humanity, but for my friends and some family. I think that's why I didn't fear strangers as a child. My dad would tell me he had to be so careful because I would walk away and talk to just anyone. In my little mind, there wasn't anything a stranger could do to me that could hurt me more than family had or did. I learned to fantasize as a young child that my rescuer would come and take me out of the shitty situation I was in. I learned early on that the only person I could trust or lean on was myself. I think maybe with is why I attract fixer-uppers. Maybe I see the pain in them that I understand so well. Maybe I don't want them to suffer alone. I think a part of this is control. I am a control FREAK, but it's because I was let down. Me being able to help someone is being in control of that relationship and therefore doesn't require me to be vulnerable. It requires me to be the stronger person and I know I can do that roll.

I don't know if I've nailed everything on the head....but I'm starting to get more insight.....

Take My World Apart....

I've known that I'm a "fixer" but my friends are starting to notice it too. So, my friend Kizzle and I are going to hold that mirror up in front of our faces to see WHY we do the things we do in relationships. WHY am I a fixer? I know that this might be a painful experience, but I want to know. I need to know. This behavior needs to change in order for me to be in a meaningful, loving, give and take relationship. I've asked Papa to show me. As I write, my heart is pounding becuase I'm fearing what I'll be shown. But I also know that Papa will be gentle and I already know that He loves me immensely.

So my blogging the next few days will reflect on this journey.

In the meantime, this is my prayer to Papa: Take My World Apart by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart



I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart.

To all of my fellow believers: Pray for me. Pray that my heart will be open to my short-comings and that I won't wall up.

Love is a Verb that Requires Action.....

Wow....it's been a while since I've blogged. I suck! LOL! I'm smiling as I write this blog. I'm listening to Kirk Franklin sing about his love for his Savior. If you haven't read Kirk's testimony, you totally should. It's amazing! I'm on this journey...a 20 day Journey of Thanks. I'm not allowed to complain (as much) during these next 20 days. Even when school becomes overwhelming, I have to stop and think that there are many peeps out there that would love the opportunity to even go to school! Ya know??

Please forgive me while I preach, but there is so much on my mind lately. Buckle your seatbelts cuz it's gonna be a bumpy, blunt ride!!

I'm divorced. And while that was one of my hardest journeys up to this point in my life, I would get re-married in a heartbeat. I loved being married. I loved belonging to someone and having someone belong to me. Where there ups and downs?? Oh man! There would be days I would look at my husband and think...."How did I get sooo lucky?!" But then that VERY night, watch him while he would be sleeping and think..."Could I really do 5-10 for murder?" But as dawn came and I woke up next to him, I would think..."Thank you God for giving me my husband" even though hours earlier I wanted to send him to Jesus! This right here folks, is what REAL marriage and love is. Love is a verb. It's an action. You have to actively give and recieve love, and not passively wait for love to somehow magically happen! Peopel who think that love or relationships don't take hard work have been so mentally and emotionally messed up by Disney and Hollywood!! I'm amazed how people can naively go into any kind of relationship, whether it be with your family, friends, neighbors, your job or with a lover and think that you aren't gonna have high highs and low lows! In this day and age, divorce rates are so high, but despite that I still believe in the union of a marriage. Am I naive? Maybe....but I'm a realist too. I will never go into a relationship not understanding that it will require me to give my entire all to the other person. Being divorced casts a whole new light on relationships. I've been to scared to give myself completely to another person, because there was a point in my life where I prayed for God to take me to Heaven with Him because I was in so much emotional pain. I couldn't imagine living my life without Matt. But guess what? I am! I'm happy! I'm free from the emotional pain I was in just 3 years ago. Do I miss him? Sometimes I think I miss the aspect of being with him, versus the actual desire to be with him. Make sense? I miss coming home to someone, not necessarily Matthew. I'm letting go of what/who I was in that marriage and look forward to the day I take vows again. Will it be in a year? 2? 3? 10? I don't have a clue, but I'm excited for my journey of how I will get there. I was joking with my friend Kizzle a few days ago and said I wanted to have a letter from above describing my life out for me. Do I really want that? On my lazy days! On the days when the work seems just to hard and I'm doubting whether or not it's really worth it. But on days like today, when I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and put some elbow grease into it, I'm excited for that journey.

Look...life isn't easy. It isn't fair. Shit happens. Even to God's children. But we always have a better hope for tomorrow. Always! I firmly believe something good always comes from something bad. It's the bad things in life that give us character. If we didn't have valleys, how can we learn to appreciate the mountain tops? Does it mean that just because I'm Rae that I get to coast thru life? Mangos!!! That's the naivest thinking one can have! I'm casting all my fears on Him...I'm letting God have them. The fear of being hurt. Gone. The fear of being alone. Gone. The fear of never being loved again. Gone. The hurt of being abused. Gone. The fear of the enemy. Gone. The fear of never finishing school. Gone. Every mistake. Gone. Depression. Gone. All my scars...all my pain. It's in the past and it's yesterday. Does this mean that I will never think on any of these fears again? NO! It simply means that when they come, I will give them back up to God and say, Please Papa...you handle this! Those fears will come and go all the time, because they will constantly be used against me to hinder me from seeing or reaching my TRUE potential. If I have the fear of being hurt, I will miss out on the opportunity of marriage because I will not open myself up to someone. I won't give that person the opportunity to love me like I deserve and want to be loved. That fear has already caused me to fail. I'm learning how to trust Papa fully. Now listen closely: I am still going to sin. There will be days when I want to close myself off and remind myself of all the mistakes I've done in my life. BUT...I am making a conscience that once I think of them, I will make myself stop and remind myself that's in my past. I'm sure there will be days I will have to re-read this post just as a nut-checker. On the days that I find myself sad over a break-up, I have to make a conscience decision to think STOP! Think of tomorrow! If we keep looking back, we will miss what's right in front of us! No more missing out for me. No more living in regret. No more thinking "What if", or "if only". No more the grass is greener on the other side, because what happens when you jump the fence, leave your own yard, and find out that nice, lucious, inviting grass is really....ASTRO-TURF!! Oops!

Now...let's talk about the elusive "One". I'll be as polite as possible: IT DOESN'T FUKIN EXIST!!!!! Hello people! Everytime I hear someone say that I just wanna shake them until I can hear their brain rattle! Our parents, Disney, Hollywood...they all lied to us. There is not a "One". I remember when I asked my mom this she laughed and said "oh Rachel." She told me that because I'm such a personable person, there would be many "Ones" for me. I would just have to figure out which one I am best suited with. Who was the person who I could enjoy the "mundane" moments of life with? Who could I just sit on the couch with and be happy that I'm watching TV? Who could I go on a walk with and be happy in that moment? Who is the person who makes me strive to be a better person? Who is the person that I help be a better person? THIS is the "one" for me. Does that mean we aren't gonna fight? Um...NO! Does this mean that we aren't gonna have to work for the relationship to work? No! Does it mean that on the rough days I won't think: What the HELL was I THINKING in being with this person?! No! Everyone has those thoughts and if you say you don't your lying out your ass. That's right. Ama call you out. This simply means you're human. Everyone is tempted. It's what you do with those thoughts and temptations that count.

(Sigh) I'll get off my soap-box now. I just want everyone to take off their rose colored glasses and see life for what it is: A hard journey that's so worth taking.

I am His....

I thought I would feel worse then I actually do this morning. No...I'm not in the depths of despair, but I'm not exactly skipping either. I'm in the middle. Neither happy nor sad....just kinda here.

I helped a gf move last night and that went relatively well. We're almost done, with just a couple more loads tonight. I was home by 9:30ish and made myself sleep. My mind kept running and I had to force myself to quiet it down. Ssshhhhh....you're making me hurt, brain. So Sshhhhh....go mimi's. And I did. I woke up around midnight and felt kinda alone, so I text my gf Cheryl who I know is up all hours of the night. Turns out that she had just woke up too, so we talked until 2am and around then I fell back asleep. When my alarm went off, I sat up waiting for it: The depression. As I wiped my eyes, I waited. Hmmmm...nothing....weird. "Oh wait" I thought, it will hit me in the shower. That's my favorite place to cry. I'm big on visuals so when I cry in there, I imagine the water taking my tears away from me and down to the deep ocean. I showered and waited....nothing....weird. So I got dressed and got into the car. While in the car a song I like came on...and I actually smiled. Weird.

I'm really not sure why I feel OK rather then feeling like death walking, but I'll take it. Maybe it's because I'm really trying to focus on what I have, rather then what I don't have. I no longer want to allow others to dictate how I feel. That's ridic. I read a great quote today: "Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another and how much you blame them, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty when blaming them, but you wont succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." I'm really going to try to focus on me and figure out just what is making me feel unhappy and unsatisfied, instead of trying to blame others. Well, Mike doesn't spend time with me. Cheryl isn't listening to me....etc. What am I doing?? It's always easier to blame others for our unhappiness, instead of holding up the mirror, isn't it? I'm going to hold up the mirror and face myself head on. I may not like what I see. Actually....I know I won't like what I see. But I know that Papa loves me immensly. He looks at me and says...That crazy Rachel is MINE. And for the time being, that's enough......

So, in the spirit of focusing on what I have: here it goes....I'm healthy. I have a fantastic job and friends that are beyond awesome. I got a text from my best friend Muzaff last night while I was helping Ky move that simply said 3 words: "I love you". I cried, because it was exactly what I needed to hear. I texted him back...."Jerk. That made me cry!" He replied: "I just wanted you to remember that." I'm thankful for my friends. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. It may not be mignon but I'll take it. I'm mentally sound. Now, there are people that may try to dispute this, but it's fact: I'm sane!!!! LOL!! wow...I actually laughed. Weird. I am going back to school in the fall and that's getting me closer to my dream of teaching. I have a family that loves me to death. I have 5 sisters and we have a safe word that when we text each other this word, all the world falls away and we belong to only each other for as long as we need it. More importantly I can honestly say: I AM HIS. With my heart and soul I believe this. Even if others around me don't see my worth, He does. Even if no one else understands that I am a Treasure, He does. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm trying to wrap my head around that kinda love. It boggles my wee brain to the point of insanity sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to let this Love be enough. I'm trying to find the faith to step outta my boat to the crashing waves......

The God Side.....

Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I wanna kick my own ass. (Sigh) Let me start at the beginning.

I'm a preachers kid. I grew up in the church, was raised in it...immersed in it. I was taught forgiveness. I was taught that people aren't perfect and they will hurt you. So you have to forgive. I feel like I do a pretty OK job of that. I've forgiven people that don't deserve my forgiveness. But, as I was also taught, I don't deserve God's forgiveness either so who am I to judge or not forgive people? This is the dilemma I constantly go through. CONSTANTLY. Someone hurts me....I forgive and move on. Then, that same person hurts me again....I forgive and we move on. At what point am I allowed to move that person out of my life? The moment I think that, the small voice says to me...God doesn't cut you outta His life and you hurt Him all the time. So I feel bad for wanting to be rid of that person and so I forgive and we move on. On to the same cycle of me being someones punching bag. Verbally. I have pretty thick skin. I had to learn as a child to put up a wall to protect myself. It was necessary for survival. So I'm really good at it now. So when these people hurt me, a wall goes up and I'm not as hurt as I could have been.

As I sit here I wonder what is it about me that screams "Please use me as your punching bag." Why do I attract people who are so sick? People who need to dump on me to feel better? Why do I get that? I give all that I have, all that I am to people, but what am I getting in return? I hate myself. I hate how people make me feel. I hate how weak I am when it comes to humanity. I try so hard to look at the good in people. At people that no one else can see ANY kind of good in. But it's these same people who hurt me badly.

I cut someone out of my life last night. He and I were good friends but I can no longer take being his punching bag. I don't know how to feel about that. I have so many mixed emotions. On one side, I'm glad that he can't ever hurt me again. Then there's the other side. The God Side. UGH! I'm constantly at war with God. I don't understand what he wants from me. I'm lying. I do know what he wants and I can't give him that. Yes, he has my heart, but I want control of my life. I'm scared to not have control. I'm a complete control FREAK. I relied on people when I was younger and those people hurt me to the point of it made me who I am today. I know God had nothing to do with that hurt. People are given the beautiful choice of Free-Will. With Free-Will comes choices and consequences. I prayed for God to step in soooo many times. He didn't. He couldn't. Isn't God All-Mighty? Yes, he is, but because we are given free will, he can't step in. At that point, free will would be taken from us. Instead he sent people to me who were supposed to help me, but ended up hurting me more. Because of this free will, I hold onto control so badly. I don't know how to give it up. And that's what God wants: Complete control of my life. So we are constantly at odds. He keeps calling and I keep ignoring. Not completely ignoring, but just saying I can't Papa. With trusting Him comes pain. Is that biblically sound doctrine? No. I'm sure it isn't. But that's how I view giving up control.

As I write this, I know how stupid I sound. God paid a hefty price for my life. The death of his Only son. All I have to give up is control. How stupid, right?
How do I look at the face of Jesus and say to him, I know u gave your life, but I couldn't give control?? Thus the self loathing all over again. And "The War" continues. It's not like God isn't in my life. Everything I do, I constantly think of Him. "Oh snap....he's not gonna like that!" "God, are you proud?" "Do you still love me, even after I did....." "HOW could you love me after I did....??"

I know God will win this war. He won't quit until he does, because him having control of my life is only for my good. I know this. But I also know that there will be pain and I'm a coward for 2 reasons: I hate being hurt and I don't want the responsibility that comes with God having control. I've realized that I have a certain influence over people. I don't want that.....At all, because with responsibility comes answering for people. I only want to answer for myself.

My head hurts with all of this. I'm going to do what I do best: run. Run until I drop from exhaustion. Run until the noise in my head abates to the point where it's just a dull noise, rather then the screaming it is now......

I'm doin OK....

I'm doing ok.....actually I'm pretty happy......for the moment!

Just. Breathe.

Where do you turn when the person u least thought would ever hurt you, does? You can't run to that person, cuz they are the cause of it. Yet you can't stay away from that person cuz they are important to you. Every time you look at them you are reminded of the hurt. How do you go on? Yes, you forgive, but how do you let them back in? Fully. Without reservation? Without the walls? The shitty thing is this person is soo happy you forgave them so they act like nothing happened. wow. Wish I had that kinda "bounce-back". When everything you do for them is for their good, but they have absolutely NO regard for how you would feel. I don't understand that kinda selfishness. Selfishness. One little word that fucks up people around the selfish person. We end up being COS.....casualties of selfishness. What a cunt selfishness is.

I'm in a funk. No...not a new one. Still the same funk that just kinda lingers around...kinda like a stinky fart that won't go away!! Today I almost got into my car and packed it with whatever I could fit and actually just drove away. I had even packed my shit in my office and was just gonna bounce. Not tell one single person but my dad where I was gonna be. The wound was that deep. The pain that intense that for a moment I couldn't breathe. I was at this place once....and it almost killed me...literally. I don't want that place again. Never. I'll pack my shit and go before I ever let someone hurt me that badly again.

I want freedom. I need freedom. I feel broken. No...that's not true. I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is worse then feeling broken, because at least with broken you feel some fuckin thing. I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just.....nothing. I was trying to pin-point where my funk started. And it was last year. I know where it started. I'm not sure how to fix it though. I haven't "eaten" in a long time. I'm running on the fumes of reserved energy. There are times during the day that I have little spurts of energy. Like when the sun is shining and I'm glad I have another day to live. Then my next thought is: fuk...another day. I want to move someplace where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Can I get that mulligan? Can I have that freedom again?

My gf asked me today: Rae, do you believe in soul mates? I had to honestly think about it. I think in the way she was speaking that no. There is no such thing as a soul mate as a spouse. We were lied to as children. We were told that there is that ONE special person. Bullshit. I'm really starting to believe that we aren't made for single relationships. It seems to not exist anymore. Cheryl said she wanted to believe that there was a person out there that when they met her they would have no temptation to cheat. That she would be all this person needed. I had to be real with her and tell her...yeah...that shit isn't gonna happen. I have the words Faith and Love tatt'd on my wrists. The 2 words that used to be sooo important to me. I'm losing faith in love....people....just in general. Muzaff told me Saturday that the sooner I woke up and realized that people are grimy, the better off I would be. Well, I think I've woken up and smelled the shit...and let me tell ya...it stinks!! My 2 new favorite words are Just. Breathe. If I focus on my breathing then I can't focus on anything else.

I'm looking into moving soon. School used to be what tied me down here. Now, I really don't give a shit. I can transfer my credits. I need something new. I need someone to come restore my faith. In people. In life. In love. Better yet...I'm going to unleash Lucie. That bitch is ruthless. She doesn't give a fuk about anyone but herself. Fuk people. Fuk love. "Just get mine" is her philosophy. People ARE grimy....even the people close to you. Shit...they're probably the grimiest...

I don't want any pity cuz my life really doesn't suk all that bad. Just parts of it do. I'm just being real about what is going on in my heart and head. I'm the bitch that tells it how it is. Who won't fuckin beat around the bush. Who's blunt and to the point. Don't wast my time. I won't waste urs........

Fuk Faith. Fuk Love. Just. Breathe.

Goodbye Rae. Hello Lucie.

My Daddy is the single most important person in my life. I would die for that man. Without thinking twice or even batting an eye. I would give him my heart if he would take it. That man has literally been thru the bowels of hell for me, so there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. That being said, when he dies, I will too. When I was a little kid....I used to wish to be changed into a boy, on every single birthday. This was because my dad worked on a ranch and would always tell me the ranch wasn't a place for little girls...only little boys. I thought that if I wished on my birthday candles, that I would magically wake up as a boy!! LOL! Around 7 is when I started to understand that my dad was sick. His heart wasn't cooperating with him. He has what you call an enlarged heart. As of a couple of years ago, he only has inches left in his chest for his heart to grow, then he'll die of a massive heart-attack. Even just writing this freaks me out!! My daddy has been the only constant person in my life. No matter what I have done, how I have failed, or the amount of shit I have waded into, my dad has always been there. Always loving me...yes, he would get hella irritated with me at times, but I always knew that he loved me. ALWAYS.

He called me yesterday to tell me that he needs an angioplasty done. Is it something to freak out about? To most people: no. Someone told me...oh Rae...these are done all the time. Well guess what?? I only have one father and I want to make sure that he's OK. I actually NEED him to be ok. I can't even imagine my life without my dad. I honestly talk to him 3-4 times a day. Thinking of my dad not being here physically on earth with me makes me wanna puke. I know that he is getting older and his heart is getting more and more tired and that eventually one day he will die. But not before I do. Like I was saying, at 7 I realized my dad was sick. My birthday wishes changed to: "Dear God...please take me before you take my dad." This is how I honestly feel. The pain in my soul that would come of my dad dying would be way more then I could possibly bare. I would just lay down and die. I wouldn't have the will to live. My mom's death was pretty hard, and that's, that I wasn't as close to her as I am to my father. My dad and I can talk about anything. Who I'm dating, where I'm going.....anything.

His surgery is next week and I'm going to be a mess this entire week. I want to pack my shit and go home. I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. Just fuckin BLAH. Not caring about anything. Just kinda here. And then this got thrown into my lap. I was telling a girlfriend last night that I feel like something very bad is about to happen. I don't know when, what or what will happen, but it's almost as if I'm being prepared. Like I'm on auto-pilot just cruising thru the motions.....so that in case this big shit happens I don't completely shut down. It better not be about my dad. I'll go ape shit.....No....I won't go ape shit....I'll just cease to exist.......

Done!

OK....so I'm done playing games. DONE. I'm so tired of feeling beat down. I'm tired of all the shit that's been dumped on me....it's not even MY shit! Forgive me so I can forget you. It's Rae time now. I'm determined to get back on the grind called life. I'm coming out swinging, baby. Either you're on this train headed in the right direction or you better tuck and roll. I'm done carrying dead weight. You've never been anywhere but here...wanting nothing but to stay the same. I don't want to stay the same....I embrace change. I WILL not let my dreams die. I WILL not let my soul die. I WILL not accept defeat.....

Mi Media Naranja

So...I have found him.....FINALLY!! JoN!!! To those of you who don't know what that means, no...his name isn't Jon. I'm not gonna name him. That's private shit. But I have finally found the other half to my soul. The One who looks deep into my eyes and I can feel him touching my soul. He doesn't even flinch when he see darkness there. He simply accepts me for me. I've never been so close to someone...that when we're apart if physically hurts. No one on this earth knows me as well as he does. I NEED him. Like the air I breathe....like the food that nourishes my body. This is how he is to me. When we aren't together we are constantly in contact. Be it IM, text, email, phone or just in each others minds. I can feel him...constantly with me. Just as I am constantly with him. To other people this shit might sound weird. To you I say: How sad for you to not ever experience closeness with someone like this. I don't mean close...I mean CLOSE. Like this person is you and you are this person. When he hugs me, it's a genuine hug. It's like he's trying to be IN me. I could be with him for hours and never say a word, but so much communication is happening. Life is funny. Just when you want to give up, here he comes. Not in the capacity that I thought either. But here either way....and I'll take it!

Happy Birthday To Me....

Today is my birthday!! Yay!! Today at 7:35 am I turned 33 years old. I feel fantastic! A guy in my class today asked me how old I turned. Seriously, I hate this question. So instead of answer him I said....guess. He said, "I hope I don't offend you, Rachel...but 27-28??" I told him, "Cameron, if we weren't in a classroom full of people I'd totally make out with you right now!!" I'm glad that I still look younger then I am :)

Last year's birthday was rough. I was so focused on what I didn't have. This year I am honestly grateful that I have seen another year. I'm healthy, have friends who love me, have a wonderful family and have seen, even in this past month, change in myself that makes me smile. My dad called me to sing Happy Birthday and out of gratitude to Papa, I cried. It doesn't even hurt that my ex-husband isn't a part of my birthday anymore. He did email me last week to send me early birthday wishes, but I can remember when this day would roll around and I would just cry and cry and cry. Matt used to do my birthday up!! But today, I can honestly say that where I am, at this point in my life, I'm happy. Content. At peace, and grateful!

Thank you, Papa for keeping me safe these 33 years. Even from myself! Thank you for loving me, even after all the times I turned and walked away from You. Thank you for never leaving me despite all the times I told You, that You weren't enough for me. Thank you for keeping my mind safe. My heart is fragile and broken, but I even thank you for that. Because without the bad, I wouldn't really know what greatness is.

I'm excited to see what this new year brings me. Better yet, of what I will make of it. I'm more determined then ever to reach my goals.

To my girlfriends Sam and Janice.....I love you guys immensely! Thank you for allowing me to vent and for reminding me that it's OK to not settle. That it's OK to know what I want and know what are deal breakers, even if the guy seems to have it going on. I always look forward to my lunches with you guys and am grateful for your friendship :)

So, Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear me.....happy birthday to me!!!

Small Miracles.....

It's amazing to me how fast Papa opens doors. I was bummed cuz I've lost my work out partner this week. Then out of the blue my friend Charles asked me why I haven't been to his gym. I'm still hitting the gym but mostly doing cardio this week cuz I'm still new to weights. I told him the person I was working out with and I have conflicting schedules....no need to elaborate. He said....damn...that sucks! Then 4 hours later, out of the blue he texts me and says...hey, if you really wanna train and lose weight, I'll show you how. Charles definitely knows how to lift and lose weight. He looks fantastic after losing 60 pounds in one year without doing any kinda surgery! I'm really happy about that!!! Yay for me!!

Then I spend the night with Vernon and his family last night. His kids usually pick movies to watch, while their parents and I watch 24. Last night the kids picked This Is It....Michael Jackson's movie. Now, anybody that knows even a small thing about me knows I LOVE THIS MAN!!!! I was watching the movie and was enthralled with him. At one point, I actually started to cry, cuz I was so moved!! Lily, who is like my child, came over, draped herself over my back and whispered into my ear...I love you, Rachel and kissed my cheek! I moved her into my lap and just held her. I love how she lets me do that, even though she is 4 years old!! She is such a perceptive child. I can't wait to see what she is going to be when she grows up!! I had a point to this story...oh yeah...my math teacher recommended that us future teachers coach some kind of kids sports. It prepares us to handle different kinds of temperaments and situations. I had talked to my friend Mike, who coaches if I could help him or if he could send me in a direction that would allow me to be an assistant coach. He had said that he's getting his own team next year, so he will need help. Next school year is a long ways away and Mike and I are in a weird transition. I would love to think that come next school year we'll be ok enough to coach together. Again...I was kinda bummed about this situation. Then last night as Vernon and I were cooking, I casually mentioned that my teacher recommended coaching. Vernon told me he is starting a new league with the YMCA in March and was looking for an assistant coach who would be committed and reliable. So, he asked me!!! Then he said he would even let me do practices and coach games by myself...full immersion!!! YAY!!!! So in one short month, I will be coaching girls 5-6 grades in basketball. I'm super nervous but excited for this opportunity. This means I have to start hitting the gym and play some hoops. I haven't played in a few years....so I'm sure I'm kinda rusty! I want to coach like Mike Singletary. I really like how he works out with his team and can yell at the guys when they aren't committed cuz he is. No, I'm not gonna yell at my girls, but I will run with them, do suicides with them and drills. If I require much of them, then I have to be willing to give much of myself as well.

I totally needed these small miracles. To anyone else, this stuff wouldn't be a big deal, but to me they were. It was as if Papa was saying, Look babe, yes, I took something from you (in the form of a relationship) but I'm giving you something else that can be a little more fulfilling (at this point in my life). Not that a relationship isn't fulfilling but I need to focus on me :)

So, thank you Papa for throwing a sista these much needed bones!!!

Second Chances

I went out this weekend with a new friend that I made and we had a blast! It's so nice to find people who are just like you. Hopefully we can remain friends!!

I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life: After almost 2.5 years of always living with someone, I'm moving out on my own. That's right folks.....I'll be completely alone! Truth be told, I'm scared. I don't do alone very well. I'm so much of a people person....I love being around people. I love the crowds, the noise, hearing the laughter and the chaos. Sometimes though I enjoy being alone, but not for the most part. Only when I am going thru something huge do I retreat within myself. The last time I lived alone was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that was hard. There are aspects of living alone that are nice that I miss: getting up in the middle of the night to pee, naked :) not having to clean my house if I don't want to. Being able to decorate it how I want it, even if the decor is "dark". Being able to have anyone over I want. Blasting my music while I shower. But then there are aspects of being alone that I hate: being alone in the house. Coming home to an empty house....that has to be the worst. I grew up in a house full of people and I love nothing more then to open the door and hear people arguing, laughing, kids crying, dogs barking and smell the food cooking. To me, that is a peaceful environment!! Vernon and Jaymie have 4 kids. There is nothing better then when I open the door to go into their home and I hear the kids scream RACHEL!!!! Rachel's home!! No matter who many times I've heard it, when I hear it every Monday night it almost brings me to tears. I feel so absolutely loved. I long for the day when I'll hear "Mommy's home!" Or for the day I'll open the door to my home and I'll hear my husband say "Hi baby....welcome home!!" This new apartment will be a huge step for me. In the right direction. I'm sad that my mom isn't here to help me thru it though. When I got divorced I moved into my own place and talk about having to adjust!! Wow...when you spend almost 10 years with someone you don't know how to be alone. I had the worst insomnia I've ever had. The first 2 weeks of being alone, I slept only 20 hours. I would call my mom crying every night until at the end of the 2weeks she told me she couldn't stay up with me anymore......I needed to find a way to work out this problem alone. I did...and survived. This time is kinda like the same thing: I have always been around people that it will be a huge adjustment. Unlike last time, I'll do it all alone.

Part of the reason I'm getting my own place is because, as anyone knows, I want to be in a committed relationship. What do I have to offer the other person, besides myself? As of now....nothing. That's unacceptable. How can someone be with me, while I live with roommates? Not even sharing a place together, but renting a room? What am I showing that other person? That I'm not good with money? That I'm not responsible? That I don't know how to be alone? I am responsible and pretty ok with money, so that's not the problem, but that's what people automatically assume. I don't want to give that impression anymore. Will I need to adjust my lifestyle? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Will the rewards be worth it...of saying I have my OWN place? Yes.

Here is the other reason I am embarking on this journey: I need to be alone. Does that sound conflicting? Yes. Am I conflicted about it? Hell yes. I broke up with Nik some time ago and I haven't been single for long. I need to be single and alone to really know myself. I know what I want, but when it's in front of me, I don't want it. Why? I have so many walls up, that have caused me to miss out on good relationships. Take this last one: yes, it was brief. Many of my friends didn't even know I was kinda getting to know someone. But he was a great man. Had a lot of the qualities I want in someone, but my damn barrier was so around my heart, that not once did he really SEE me. Me...the Rae that all my friends love. The girl who will give her heart and soul to people. I need to let those walls come crumbling down, but I don't know how. The concrete solid wall has once again come between something that could have been great. I want more then anything, for someone to see me. Maybe being alone in my new place, I can do some self reflecting......but I'm still confused on how to let the walls go. I protect myself so much because I'm so tired of being hurt. Of giving and not getting back. But at the same time I'm tired of being lonely.

I am grateful for my friends that I have, who remind me that I am destined for great things in life. That great things are just around the corner for me.....to just be patient. That when my someone comes along, that I'll be completely overjoyed.

I'm grateful for the second chance of living alone. Does that sound crazy?? Hopefully this time around I'll get it right :)

The Buildup.....

I can't sleep. I have to be up in roughly 4 hours to hit the gym. I'm sore as shit right now....everything hurts! I sneezed today and almost cried...my ass hurts, my arms are sore as shit but I know that all this pain will pan out. Isn't that weird?? That sometimes the things that hurt us the most, that cause us the most pain are the things that help us the most? Pain=growth.

I'm in a reflective mood. I'm listening to one of my favorite songs in the whole wide world...River Flows In You by Yiruma. I'll never ever forget the first time I heard this song. I was browsing youtube and there was speculation over what song would be Bella's lullaby from Edward (yes, I am a Twilight FREAK!) and I came across this song. It brought me to tears. Not just tears, but I mean TEARS. I cried so much because this song was sooo beautiful to me. I remember I was so moved that I text my friend Nate to tell him he had to listen to this song.....even now, it brings tears to my eyes. I'm really not sure why, other then it reaches down into me and touches my soul. I feel the frenzy in it...the need. I can understand that frenzy. Then towards the end, the need grows to calm.....almost a peace. I haven't gotten there yet, but I'm sure I will. I wonder what Yiruma was needing...what was he reflecting on when he wrote this song. If you've never heard this song, you simply must. No one should be deprived of this much beauty. Yiruma, thank you.

Another favorite is Claire de Lune by Debussy. Like Yiruma, Debussy has such a buildup and then there is a peaceful calm.......I absolutely love classical music.

I'm not really sure what's going on with me right at this moment. I need to write, but I'm not sure what. Like the composers, I feel a buildup inside of me. I know that it will, at some point come to a head....that it will need to come up or out. And after it does, I will be cleansed. I was waiting to hear from Brooke. She is my soul sister.....the girl who knows my deepest darkest secrets and despite them, she still loves me. I swear we are one person sometimes. It's kind creepy how I can think of her out of the blue, and then she'll text me. Maybe my unrest is due to Brooke. I've been feeling like she is struggling with something so huge. A decision. I want to call her and reach out to her, but I can't. I know that I can sway her with simply speaking to her. Whatever storm she is going thru, it is the road she must travel alone. And I'm sad for her. I know the road of lonely traveling. It can be so hard!! I want so badly for her to be ok....actually I want her to be more then ok. I want to hold her and tell her that I love her and will love her no matter what the outcome of this huge decision is. I know that she knows that I'm here waiting for her to come out of her pit. My hands are reaching down to her, to not only help her out, but up. Blue, if you are reading this, I love you sister! And this too shall pass!!!!

I've been trying to get my Mexican citizenship for a while now, but was always hindered because my dad didn't have a birth certificate. Well, today I got off my ass and called family in Mexico to go get it for me and to send it to me. Yay! I also ordered a copy of my birth certificate cuz I don't have a clue of where mine is! So....in a short month or so I will be a dual citizen....of Mexico and the U.S. I know most people won't understand why I'm doing this, but to me it's important. I'm Mexican and damn proud! This is a part of my culture and of who I am.

I miss my mom. Badly. I miss calling her. Hearing her voice. Right now, I would love a hug from her. I need to hear her tell me that I will be ok. That she's proud of who I am, of who I'm becoming. I'm sure she's in Heaven crying for me, because I'm down here crying for her. I miss her birthday cards. I miss her cooking....her laugh.....and hearing her yell at me. I miss hearing her say "mmmmm.....Rachel". I miss hearing her swear. I miss gossiping with her. I have a video on my phone of my niece Megan pretending to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid. On it, you can hear my mom crackin up. I listen to that video at least 3 times a day. My fear is forgetting what she sounds like. I have a picture in my office of my family from at least 4 years ago....my mom looked so damn beautiful!!! I hate what cancer did to her. It literally ate her alive for an entire year. While it ravaged her body, it never once touched the essence of her. I'll never forget her trying to comfort me because I was so upset that she was going to die. Imagine that. The day my mom died, she was comforting me! She was an amazing woman, of amazing faith. I don't know where this is coming from. I've been doing pretty good about not crying over her. Maybe cuz my birthday is next week and I miss her calling me? Have I been keeping too busy to avoid missing her? I just saw her gravesite last month, with my dad. Sometimes it's still so weird to go there. I hate it. I haven't dreamt of her in a while. It's a blessing and a curse. The last time I dreamed of her, I swear when I woke up, I expected to see her in my room, just sitting on my bed like she used to sometimes do. I can't wait to see her again. I'm jealous that she's getting to play with my child while I'm down here wondering what he/she looks like. Does he/she look like me or their dad? Does he/she behave like me or their dad? Will I recognize her/him when I see her/him? But I'm glad that my child is with their grandma as well as Papa. Man....so much going on the month of February. My child would have been 4 this month. I got divorced from Mr. Hise 2 years ago. I've been cured from cancer now for 3 years this month. Maybe this is where the need to write comes from......

I am grateful to have come out on top of all this turmoil doing OK. Yes, I'm crazy at times. Yes, I want to randomly start fights with random ass people, but for the most part, I am a well adjusted woman. My battle scars are finally starting to heal.

A River Flows in You.....and it's starting to flow out.......

The Starter....

So school started again in January. I'm excited but nervous again this semester too! Nervous cuz my Math class is gonna kick my ass! No...it's not actual math but trying to explain math concepts. Like.....why is 5^2 =25?? Um....cuz it just does?!?!?! My teacher didn't like that answer....wonder why??

Thankfully I am out of the dysfunctional relationship that I was in for the past 7 months. Jeez Louis.....talk about a hot fuckin train wreck. I came pretty close to losing myself in that mess, but thankfully didn't. I let him go. I had to, to survive. Literally. I am doing better already since I've physically left Nik. We were broken up for over a month before I left. Why did I stay?? Cuz I was worried that he was going to OD. I felt responsible for him in some sick, sick way. What if he OD'd because I left him? What if he died and no one found his body for a while? Would his parents blame me? There was no love between us....at least on my part. I half hated myself for caring about someone who CLEARLY didn't care for himself, but how could I leave? Then.....he completely disrespected me by dating another person who I considered a friend. No...I'm not mad that he was already dating.....I understand that. He had needs that I wasn't meeting, but how could this girl look me in the eye, hug me, hang out...the whole time being with him? What kinda woman does that shit? So....I no longer felt responsible. I passed the torch to her and bade her godspeed.....she's gonna need it. I thanked her as well....for freeing me from the weight around my neck. People would always ask...why are you with him? Here's the honest answer: I could see the road he was on.....and the pain he would have to endure if he continued on this said road. I tried to save him from his journey....to save him from the tremendous pain he might not be able to stand. Was it my job?? No. Did I do more harm to him then good? I certainly hope not. One of the biggest "problems" I have is that I'm way too empathetic. I cry when kids cry. I cry when I see someone who has just broken up with her boyfriend because I can almost FEEL their pain. And it's sometimes too much for me. I could see the utter despair in Nik's eyes and I wanted to ease that pain.....almost to my expense though. I had to wake up and realize that no one is worth that....yet.

Moving forward.....I was doing some self reflection today and looking back on my past relationships. Most of them have been with douchebag men I shouldn't have been with. Why do I do that? Do I not think that I deserve better?? My friends call me "The Fixer".....I fix up men for the next girl to come up behind me and get the fruit of my blood, sweat and tears. How fucked up is that? Take the x husband for example: I can't even count how many hours of crying I did over and for that man. Now the girl right after me gets the good man.....the perfect next husband.....all because I was the Starter Wife.

Someone asked me the other day: Do you know what you want? Most people don't.....that's NOT me. I know exactly what I want......but it eludes me. Why? What am I doing wrong here? What other lesson must I learn before I'm deemed "ready" to be with someone? I don't want a warm body....if that were the case, shit....I could call a hand full of people right now. I want a meaningful relationship. A healthy relationship. With a man...not a boy.

Part of the problem....well, it's not really a problem, but all my friends are married. Seriously. Except for 2. And God bless all my friends, but they are constantly trying to set my ass up. Hey Rae....I know this REALLY good guy who you will be good for. Wait.....I want someone who will be good for.....ME! Because I'm so friendly/flirty I can mesh with a lot of people. But that doesn't mean that they are good for me, or that I'm good for them. I want someone who is going to compliment me in every way......where I am weak, he will be strong. I want him to be able to put me in my place, without PUTTING me in my place. I want someone who my friends can look at him looking at me and see the love in his eyes......who will feel blessed to be with me.....and HELLO...is it too much to ask that he NOT be a cheater?!?!?

If it sounds like I'm whining....again....I'm not...really :) I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I'm hitting the gym again like no body's business.....and damn does that feel fantastic! I ran 4 miles on Sunday......I haven't ran like that for a while. Blasted some Ke$ha (don't hate!) and just ran and ran and ran......so damn liberating. I slept so damn great Sunday night! Tonight I'm planning on running again....another 4 miles. I need to feel that sweat run down my back......drip off my face......feel my heart beating so hard inside my body......feel my breath come quickly......feel that seratonin flooding my body. :)

Matthew Sean........

I went to bed I was thinking about you
Ain’t the same since I’m living without you
All the memories are getting colder
All the things that I wanna do over

Went to bed I was thinking about you
I wanna talk and laugh like we used to
When I see you in my dreams at night
It’s so real but it’s in my mind

And nowI guess
This is as good as it gets

Don’t wake me’
Cause I don’t wanna leave this dream
Don’t wake me
’Cause I never seem to stay asleep enough
When it’s you I’m dreaming of
I don’t wanna wake up

I went to bed I was thinking about you
And how it felt when I finally found you
It’s like a movie playing over in my head
Don’t wanna look ’cause i know how it ends
All the words that I said that I wouldn’t say
All the promises I made that I wouldn’t break
It’s last call, last song, last dance’
Cause I can’t get you back, can’t get a second chance

These dreams of you keep on growing stronger
It ain’t a lot but it’s all I have
Nothing to do but keep sleeping longer
Don’t wanna stop cause I want you back

Sometimes

Sometimes when I lie I know you’re on to me. Sometimes I don’t mind how hateful that I can be. Sometimes I don’t try to make you happy. I don’t know why I do the things I do to you but…
Sometimes I don’t wanna be better. Sometimes I can’t be put back together. Sometimes I find it hard to believe there’s someone else who could be just as messed up as me.
Sometimes don’t deny that everything is wrong. Sometimes rather die than to admit it’s my fault. Sometimes when you cry I just don’t care at all. I don’t know why I do the things I do to you but…
I want someone to hurt like the way I hurt. It’s sick but it makes me feel better.
Sometimes I can’t hide the demons that I face. Sometimes don’t deny I’m sometimes sinner sometimes saint.................