No Rescuer....

As I said yesterday, I am embarking on a journey to figure out WHY i fix people in my life up. More specifically, why I get into relationships with men who need fixing up. I'm reading a book called Let Go by Sheila Walsh. She made a powerful point to me last night: "I never wanted to be rescued. At least that's what I told myself. I wanted to be the one doing the rescuing. I know now life had taught me to not look for a rescuer-no one was coming, so I'd better take care of myself." Wow. I can relate so much to this, although I DID want to be rescued. I didn't have the normal childhood. There were a lot of crazy circumstances and therefore tough situations that I had to endure, and some were more than I thought I could endure. I begged anyone who would listen to me for help, but no one came. NO ONE. I lost faith in humanity at such a young age. Not so much humanity, but for my friends and some family. I think that's why I didn't fear strangers as a child. My dad would tell me he had to be so careful because I would walk away and talk to just anyone. In my little mind, there wasn't anything a stranger could do to me that could hurt me more than family had or did. I learned to fantasize as a young child that my rescuer would come and take me out of the shitty situation I was in. I learned early on that the only person I could trust or lean on was myself. I think maybe with is why I attract fixer-uppers. Maybe I see the pain in them that I understand so well. Maybe I don't want them to suffer alone. I think a part of this is control. I am a control FREAK, but it's because I was let down. Me being able to help someone is being in control of that relationship and therefore doesn't require me to be vulnerable. It requires me to be the stronger person and I know I can do that roll.

I don't know if I've nailed everything on the head....but I'm starting to get more insight.....