Second Chances

I went out this weekend with a new friend that I made and we had a blast! It's so nice to find people who are just like you. Hopefully we can remain friends!!

I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life: After almost 2.5 years of always living with someone, I'm moving out on my own. That's right folks.....I'll be completely alone! Truth be told, I'm scared. I don't do alone very well. I'm so much of a people person....I love being around people. I love the crowds, the noise, hearing the laughter and the chaos. Sometimes though I enjoy being alone, but not for the most part. Only when I am going thru something huge do I retreat within myself. The last time I lived alone was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that was hard. There are aspects of living alone that are nice that I miss: getting up in the middle of the night to pee, naked :) not having to clean my house if I don't want to. Being able to decorate it how I want it, even if the decor is "dark". Being able to have anyone over I want. Blasting my music while I shower. But then there are aspects of being alone that I hate: being alone in the house. Coming home to an empty house....that has to be the worst. I grew up in a house full of people and I love nothing more then to open the door and hear people arguing, laughing, kids crying, dogs barking and smell the food cooking. To me, that is a peaceful environment!! Vernon and Jaymie have 4 kids. There is nothing better then when I open the door to go into their home and I hear the kids scream RACHEL!!!! Rachel's home!! No matter who many times I've heard it, when I hear it every Monday night it almost brings me to tears. I feel so absolutely loved. I long for the day when I'll hear "Mommy's home!" Or for the day I'll open the door to my home and I'll hear my husband say "Hi baby....welcome home!!" This new apartment will be a huge step for me. In the right direction. I'm sad that my mom isn't here to help me thru it though. When I got divorced I moved into my own place and talk about having to adjust!! Wow...when you spend almost 10 years with someone you don't know how to be alone. I had the worst insomnia I've ever had. The first 2 weeks of being alone, I slept only 20 hours. I would call my mom crying every night until at the end of the 2weeks she told me she couldn't stay up with me anymore......I needed to find a way to work out this problem alone. I did...and survived. This time is kinda like the same thing: I have always been around people that it will be a huge adjustment. Unlike last time, I'll do it all alone.

Part of the reason I'm getting my own place is because, as anyone knows, I want to be in a committed relationship. What do I have to offer the other person, besides myself? As of now....nothing. That's unacceptable. How can someone be with me, while I live with roommates? Not even sharing a place together, but renting a room? What am I showing that other person? That I'm not good with money? That I'm not responsible? That I don't know how to be alone? I am responsible and pretty ok with money, so that's not the problem, but that's what people automatically assume. I don't want to give that impression anymore. Will I need to adjust my lifestyle? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Will the rewards be worth it...of saying I have my OWN place? Yes.

Here is the other reason I am embarking on this journey: I need to be alone. Does that sound conflicting? Yes. Am I conflicted about it? Hell yes. I broke up with Nik some time ago and I haven't been single for long. I need to be single and alone to really know myself. I know what I want, but when it's in front of me, I don't want it. Why? I have so many walls up, that have caused me to miss out on good relationships. Take this last one: yes, it was brief. Many of my friends didn't even know I was kinda getting to know someone. But he was a great man. Had a lot of the qualities I want in someone, but my damn barrier was so around my heart, that not once did he really SEE me. Me...the Rae that all my friends love. The girl who will give her heart and soul to people. I need to let those walls come crumbling down, but I don't know how. The concrete solid wall has once again come between something that could have been great. I want more then anything, for someone to see me. Maybe being alone in my new place, I can do some self reflecting......but I'm still confused on how to let the walls go. I protect myself so much because I'm so tired of being hurt. Of giving and not getting back. But at the same time I'm tired of being lonely.

I am grateful for my friends that I have, who remind me that I am destined for great things in life. That great things are just around the corner for me.....to just be patient. That when my someone comes along, that I'll be completely overjoyed.

I'm grateful for the second chance of living alone. Does that sound crazy?? Hopefully this time around I'll get it right :)