The Buildup.....

I can't sleep. I have to be up in roughly 4 hours to hit the gym. I'm sore as shit right now....everything hurts! I sneezed today and almost cried...my ass hurts, my arms are sore as shit but I know that all this pain will pan out. Isn't that weird?? That sometimes the things that hurt us the most, that cause us the most pain are the things that help us the most? Pain=growth.

I'm in a reflective mood. I'm listening to one of my favorite songs in the whole wide world...River Flows In You by Yiruma. I'll never ever forget the first time I heard this song. I was browsing youtube and there was speculation over what song would be Bella's lullaby from Edward (yes, I am a Twilight FREAK!) and I came across this song. It brought me to tears. Not just tears, but I mean TEARS. I cried so much because this song was sooo beautiful to me. I remember I was so moved that I text my friend Nate to tell him he had to listen to this song.....even now, it brings tears to my eyes. I'm really not sure why, other then it reaches down into me and touches my soul. I feel the frenzy in it...the need. I can understand that frenzy. Then towards the end, the need grows to calm.....almost a peace. I haven't gotten there yet, but I'm sure I will. I wonder what Yiruma was needing...what was he reflecting on when he wrote this song. If you've never heard this song, you simply must. No one should be deprived of this much beauty. Yiruma, thank you.

Another favorite is Claire de Lune by Debussy. Like Yiruma, Debussy has such a buildup and then there is a peaceful calm.......I absolutely love classical music.

I'm not really sure what's going on with me right at this moment. I need to write, but I'm not sure what. Like the composers, I feel a buildup inside of me. I know that it will, at some point come to a head....that it will need to come up or out. And after it does, I will be cleansed. I was waiting to hear from Brooke. She is my soul sister.....the girl who knows my deepest darkest secrets and despite them, she still loves me. I swear we are one person sometimes. It's kind creepy how I can think of her out of the blue, and then she'll text me. Maybe my unrest is due to Brooke. I've been feeling like she is struggling with something so huge. A decision. I want to call her and reach out to her, but I can't. I know that I can sway her with simply speaking to her. Whatever storm she is going thru, it is the road she must travel alone. And I'm sad for her. I know the road of lonely traveling. It can be so hard!! I want so badly for her to be ok....actually I want her to be more then ok. I want to hold her and tell her that I love her and will love her no matter what the outcome of this huge decision is. I know that she knows that I'm here waiting for her to come out of her pit. My hands are reaching down to her, to not only help her out, but up. Blue, if you are reading this, I love you sister! And this too shall pass!!!!

I've been trying to get my Mexican citizenship for a while now, but was always hindered because my dad didn't have a birth certificate. Well, today I got off my ass and called family in Mexico to go get it for me and to send it to me. Yay! I also ordered a copy of my birth certificate cuz I don't have a clue of where mine is! So....in a short month or so I will be a dual citizen....of Mexico and the U.S. I know most people won't understand why I'm doing this, but to me it's important. I'm Mexican and damn proud! This is a part of my culture and of who I am.

I miss my mom. Badly. I miss calling her. Hearing her voice. Right now, I would love a hug from her. I need to hear her tell me that I will be ok. That she's proud of who I am, of who I'm becoming. I'm sure she's in Heaven crying for me, because I'm down here crying for her. I miss her birthday cards. I miss her cooking....her laugh.....and hearing her yell at me. I miss hearing her say "mmmmm.....Rachel". I miss hearing her swear. I miss gossiping with her. I have a video on my phone of my niece Megan pretending to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid. On it, you can hear my mom crackin up. I listen to that video at least 3 times a day. My fear is forgetting what she sounds like. I have a picture in my office of my family from at least 4 years ago....my mom looked so damn beautiful!!! I hate what cancer did to her. It literally ate her alive for an entire year. While it ravaged her body, it never once touched the essence of her. I'll never forget her trying to comfort me because I was so upset that she was going to die. Imagine that. The day my mom died, she was comforting me! She was an amazing woman, of amazing faith. I don't know where this is coming from. I've been doing pretty good about not crying over her. Maybe cuz my birthday is next week and I miss her calling me? Have I been keeping too busy to avoid missing her? I just saw her gravesite last month, with my dad. Sometimes it's still so weird to go there. I hate it. I haven't dreamt of her in a while. It's a blessing and a curse. The last time I dreamed of her, I swear when I woke up, I expected to see her in my room, just sitting on my bed like she used to sometimes do. I can't wait to see her again. I'm jealous that she's getting to play with my child while I'm down here wondering what he/she looks like. Does he/she look like me or their dad? Does he/she behave like me or their dad? Will I recognize her/him when I see her/him? But I'm glad that my child is with their grandma as well as Papa. Man....so much going on the month of February. My child would have been 4 this month. I got divorced from Mr. Hise 2 years ago. I've been cured from cancer now for 3 years this month. Maybe this is where the need to write comes from......

I am grateful to have come out on top of all this turmoil doing OK. Yes, I'm crazy at times. Yes, I want to randomly start fights with random ass people, but for the most part, I am a well adjusted woman. My battle scars are finally starting to heal.

A River Flows in You.....and it's starting to flow out.......