Just. Breathe.

Where do you turn when the person u least thought would ever hurt you, does? You can't run to that person, cuz they are the cause of it. Yet you can't stay away from that person cuz they are important to you. Every time you look at them you are reminded of the hurt. How do you go on? Yes, you forgive, but how do you let them back in? Fully. Without reservation? Without the walls? The shitty thing is this person is soo happy you forgave them so they act like nothing happened. wow. Wish I had that kinda "bounce-back". When everything you do for them is for their good, but they have absolutely NO regard for how you would feel. I don't understand that kinda selfishness. Selfishness. One little word that fucks up people around the selfish person. We end up being COS.....casualties of selfishness. What a cunt selfishness is.

I'm in a funk. No...not a new one. Still the same funk that just kinda lingers around...kinda like a stinky fart that won't go away!! Today I almost got into my car and packed it with whatever I could fit and actually just drove away. I had even packed my shit in my office and was just gonna bounce. Not tell one single person but my dad where I was gonna be. The wound was that deep. The pain that intense that for a moment I couldn't breathe. I was at this place once....and it almost killed me...literally. I don't want that place again. Never. I'll pack my shit and go before I ever let someone hurt me that badly again.

I want freedom. I need freedom. I feel broken. No...that's not true. I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is worse then feeling broken, because at least with broken you feel some fuckin thing. I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just.....nothing. I was trying to pin-point where my funk started. And it was last year. I know where it started. I'm not sure how to fix it though. I haven't "eaten" in a long time. I'm running on the fumes of reserved energy. There are times during the day that I have little spurts of energy. Like when the sun is shining and I'm glad I have another day to live. Then my next thought is: fuk...another day. I want to move someplace where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Can I get that mulligan? Can I have that freedom again?

My gf asked me today: Rae, do you believe in soul mates? I had to honestly think about it. I think in the way she was speaking that no. There is no such thing as a soul mate as a spouse. We were lied to as children. We were told that there is that ONE special person. Bullshit. I'm really starting to believe that we aren't made for single relationships. It seems to not exist anymore. Cheryl said she wanted to believe that there was a person out there that when they met her they would have no temptation to cheat. That she would be all this person needed. I had to be real with her and tell her...yeah...that shit isn't gonna happen. I have the words Faith and Love tatt'd on my wrists. The 2 words that used to be sooo important to me. I'm losing faith in love....people....just in general. Muzaff told me Saturday that the sooner I woke up and realized that people are grimy, the better off I would be. Well, I think I've woken up and smelled the shit...and let me tell ya...it stinks!! My 2 new favorite words are Just. Breathe. If I focus on my breathing then I can't focus on anything else.

I'm looking into moving soon. School used to be what tied me down here. Now, I really don't give a shit. I can transfer my credits. I need something new. I need someone to come restore my faith. In people. In life. In love. Better yet...I'm going to unleash Lucie. That bitch is ruthless. She doesn't give a fuk about anyone but herself. Fuk people. Fuk love. "Just get mine" is her philosophy. People ARE grimy....even the people close to you. Shit...they're probably the grimiest...

I don't want any pity cuz my life really doesn't suk all that bad. Just parts of it do. I'm just being real about what is going on in my heart and head. I'm the bitch that tells it how it is. Who won't fuckin beat around the bush. Who's blunt and to the point. Don't wast my time. I won't waste urs........

Fuk Faith. Fuk Love. Just. Breathe.

Goodbye Rae. Hello Lucie.