My Daddy is the single most important person in my life. I would die for that man. Without thinking twice or even batting an eye. I would give him my heart if he would take it. That man has literally been thru the bowels of hell for me, so there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. That being said, when he dies, I will too. When I was a little kid....I used to wish to be changed into a boy, on every single birthday. This was because my dad worked on a ranch and would always tell me the ranch wasn't a place for little girls...only little boys. I thought that if I wished on my birthday candles, that I would magically wake up as a boy!! LOL! Around 7 is when I started to understand that my dad was sick. His heart wasn't cooperating with him. He has what you call an enlarged heart. As of a couple of years ago, he only has inches left in his chest for his heart to grow, then he'll die of a massive heart-attack. Even just writing this freaks me out!! My daddy has been the only constant person in my life. No matter what I have done, how I have failed, or the amount of shit I have waded into, my dad has always been there. Always loving me...yes, he would get hella irritated with me at times, but I always knew that he loved me. ALWAYS.

He called me yesterday to tell me that he needs an angioplasty done. Is it something to freak out about? To most people: no. Someone told me...oh Rae...these are done all the time. Well guess what?? I only have one father and I want to make sure that he's OK. I actually NEED him to be ok. I can't even imagine my life without my dad. I honestly talk to him 3-4 times a day. Thinking of my dad not being here physically on earth with me makes me wanna puke. I know that he is getting older and his heart is getting more and more tired and that eventually one day he will die. But not before I do. Like I was saying, at 7 I realized my dad was sick. My birthday wishes changed to: "Dear God...please take me before you take my dad." This is how I honestly feel. The pain in my soul that would come of my dad dying would be way more then I could possibly bare. I would just lay down and die. I wouldn't have the will to live. My mom's death was pretty hard, and that's, that I wasn't as close to her as I am to my father. My dad and I can talk about anything. Who I'm dating, where I'm going.....anything.

His surgery is next week and I'm going to be a mess this entire week. I want to pack my shit and go home. I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. Just fuckin BLAH. Not caring about anything. Just kinda here. And then this got thrown into my lap. I was telling a girlfriend last night that I feel like something very bad is about to happen. I don't know when, what or what will happen, but it's almost as if I'm being prepared. Like I'm on auto-pilot just cruising thru the motions.....so that in case this big shit happens I don't completely shut down. It better not be about my dad. I'll go ape shit.....No....I won't go ape shit....I'll just cease to exist.......