I am His....

I thought I would feel worse then I actually do this morning. No...I'm not in the depths of despair, but I'm not exactly skipping either. I'm in the middle. Neither happy nor sad....just kinda here.

I helped a gf move last night and that went relatively well. We're almost done, with just a couple more loads tonight. I was home by 9:30ish and made myself sleep. My mind kept running and I had to force myself to quiet it down. Ssshhhhh....you're making me hurt, brain. So Sshhhhh....go mimi's. And I did. I woke up around midnight and felt kinda alone, so I text my gf Cheryl who I know is up all hours of the night. Turns out that she had just woke up too, so we talked until 2am and around then I fell back asleep. When my alarm went off, I sat up waiting for it: The depression. As I wiped my eyes, I waited. Hmmmm...nothing....weird. "Oh wait" I thought, it will hit me in the shower. That's my favorite place to cry. I'm big on visuals so when I cry in there, I imagine the water taking my tears away from me and down to the deep ocean. I showered and waited....nothing....weird. So I got dressed and got into the car. While in the car a song I like came on...and I actually smiled. Weird.

I'm really not sure why I feel OK rather then feeling like death walking, but I'll take it. Maybe it's because I'm really trying to focus on what I have, rather then what I don't have. I no longer want to allow others to dictate how I feel. That's ridic. I read a great quote today: "Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another and how much you blame them, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty when blaming them, but you wont succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." I'm really going to try to focus on me and figure out just what is making me feel unhappy and unsatisfied, instead of trying to blame others. Well, Mike doesn't spend time with me. Cheryl isn't listening to me....etc. What am I doing?? It's always easier to blame others for our unhappiness, instead of holding up the mirror, isn't it? I'm going to hold up the mirror and face myself head on. I may not like what I see. Actually....I know I won't like what I see. But I know that Papa loves me immensly. He looks at me and says...That crazy Rachel is MINE. And for the time being, that's enough......

So, in the spirit of focusing on what I have: here it goes....I'm healthy. I have a fantastic job and friends that are beyond awesome. I got a text from my best friend Muzaff last night while I was helping Ky move that simply said 3 words: "I love you". I cried, because it was exactly what I needed to hear. I texted him back...."Jerk. That made me cry!" He replied: "I just wanted you to remember that." I'm thankful for my friends. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. It may not be mignon but I'll take it. I'm mentally sound. Now, there are people that may try to dispute this, but it's fact: I'm sane!!!! LOL!! wow...I actually laughed. Weird. I am going back to school in the fall and that's getting me closer to my dream of teaching. I have a family that loves me to death. I have 5 sisters and we have a safe word that when we text each other this word, all the world falls away and we belong to only each other for as long as we need it. More importantly I can honestly say: I AM HIS. With my heart and soul I believe this. Even if others around me don't see my worth, He does. Even if no one else understands that I am a Treasure, He does. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm trying to wrap my head around that kinda love. It boggles my wee brain to the point of insanity sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to let this Love be enough. I'm trying to find the faith to step outta my boat to the crashing waves......