Thankfully I am out of the dysfunctional relationship that I was in for the past 7 months. Jeez Louis.....talk about a hot fuckin train wreck. I came pretty close to losing myself in that mess, but thankfully didn't. I let him go. I had to, to survive. Literally. I am doing better already since I've physically left Nik. We were broken up for over a month before I left. Why did I stay?? Cuz I was worried that he was going to OD. I felt responsible for him in some sick, sick way. What if he OD'd because I left him? What if he died and no one found his body for a while? Would his parents blame me? There was no love between us....at least on my part. I half hated myself for caring about someone who CLEARLY didn't care for himself, but how could I leave? Then.....he completely disrespected me by dating another person who I considered a friend. No...I'm not mad that he was already dating.....I understand that. He had needs that I wasn't meeting, but how could this girl look me in the eye, hug me, hang out...the whole time being with him? What kinda woman does that shit? So....I no longer felt responsible. I passed the torch to her and bade her godspeed.....she's gonna need it. I thanked her as well....for freeing me from the weight around my neck. People would always ask...why are you with him? Here's the honest answer: I could see the road he was on.....and the pain he would have to endure if he continued on this said road. I tried to save him from his journey....to save him from the tremendous pain he might not be able to stand. Was it my job?? No. Did I do more harm to him then good? I certainly hope not. One of the biggest "problems" I have is that I'm way too empathetic. I cry when kids cry. I cry when I see someone who has just broken up with her boyfriend because I can almost FEEL their pain. And it's sometimes too much for me. I could see the utter despair in Nik's eyes and I wanted to ease that pain.....almost to my expense though. I had to wake up and realize that no one is worth that....yet.
Moving forward.....I was doing some self reflection today and looking back on my past relationships. Most of them have been with douchebag men I shouldn't have been with. Why do I do that? Do I not think that I deserve better?? My friends call me "The Fixer".....I fix up men for the next girl to come up behind me and get the fruit of my blood, sweat and tears. How fucked up is that? Take the x husband for example: I can't even count how many hours of crying I did over and for that man. Now the girl right after me gets the good man.....the perfect next husband.....all because I was the Starter Wife.
Someone asked me the other day: Do you know what you want? Most people don't.....that's NOT me. I know exactly what I want......but it eludes me. Why? What am I doing wrong here? What other lesson must I learn before I'm deemed "ready" to be with someone? I don't want a warm body....if that were the case, shit....I could call a hand full of people right now. I want a meaningful relationship. A healthy relationship. With a man...not a boy.
Part of the problem....well, it's not really a problem, but all my friends are married. Seriously. Except for 2. And God bless all my friends, but they are constantly trying to set my ass up. Hey Rae....I know this REALLY good guy who you will be good for. Wait.....I want someone who will be good for.....ME! Because I'm so friendly/flirty I can mesh with a lot of people. But that doesn't mean that they are good for me, or that I'm good for them. I want someone who is going to compliment me in every way......where I am weak, he will be strong. I want him to be able to put me in my place, without PUTTING me in my place. I want someone who my friends can look at him looking at me and see the love in his eyes......who will feel blessed to be with me.....and HELLO...is it too much to ask that he NOT be a cheater?!?!?
If it sounds like I'm whining....again....I'm not...really :) I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I'm hitting the gym again like no body's business.....and damn does that feel fantastic! I ran 4 miles on Sunday......I haven't ran like that for a while. Blasted some Ke$ha (don't hate!) and just ran and ran and ran......so damn liberating. I slept so damn great Sunday night! Tonight I'm planning on running again....another 4 miles. I need to feel that sweat run down my back......drip off my face......feel my heart beating so hard inside my body......feel my breath come quickly......feel that seratonin flooding my body. :)
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