Random Little Things....

I'm completely in love with my life. Since the last time I've blogged several things have changed. My Giant (Arvada Boy) has moved up to the burbs and so have I. No, we aren't living together. I know that concept is foreign to a lot of people and we actually catch a lot of grief from it from a surprising source: his family! I just don't want to cheat myself out of a wedding. What's to stop my Giant from telling me: well, we live together and act like we're married, and in my heart I FEEL married. What's a ring and a piece of paper have to do this us? Since I really kinda like him, I don't wanna cut him :) I live about 3 miles from him so it's nice to be close. At first I thought living in the burbs was gonna suck but I REALLY like it. I like listening to the crickets outside my bedroom window instead of the drunks screaming and yelling. I like being able to walk my neighborhood late at night and don't have to worry about the junkies in the allies or being harassed by the drunks stumbling down the streets. Yes, the burbs have their problems too, I know this but I am enjoying living there.

My relationship with my Giant hasn't been this great in a while. Since his move, he's been so much happier! YAY! And even when things get him down, he's quicker at telling me what is wrong, instead of bottling all that inside of him.

It's the little random things in life that I love: Like my Giant reaching over to hold my hand while we're watching a movie. Him scaring the mess outta me when I'm getting dressed in the am, and am walking around in undies by reaching out to smack me in the booty as I walk by. Him laughing as he rolls over to go back to sleep and says: That was a good one! Or saying crazy things like we're getting married in Vegas. Things like my girlfriend in Cali who sends me a random text that simply says: *hugs* or my Tennessee girl who will text me an: "i love you!".

Sometimes I'm scared what I'm experiencing right now is the calm before the storm. Either way, I'm relishing in life and couldn't be happier.

The Motherless

I'm currently breaking one of the Ten Commandments. The 10th one to be exact: "....Thou shalt not covet anything that is your neighbors." No, I'm not coveting my neighbors house, car, or fame. It's way more important than that. I'm coveting his mom.

Mother's day is the day you get to hold your mom, tell her how much you love her and shower her with gifts. But what about those of us who are Motherless? What happens to us? We get to quietly watch all of you with a pain in our hearts that we don't speak about. Every commercial reminding us about Sunday is like a waterfall of grief that showers over us again and again.  It's an indescribable pain to not have a mom. Those phone calls of small talk, the I love you's and even the admonishments that are no longer there leave a pain that doesn't leave you. Yes, over time it abates but it never fully goes away. You learn how to live with it. You would think that after almost 4 years of Mother's day's I would know how to deal with this coming up weekend but it doesn't get easier.

I have a girlfriend who just a couple of months ago lost her mom suddenly. The Motherless Club used to be a member of 1, but now unfortunately it's a member of 2. So this year we are going to go up to the mountains and watch the sunrise while drinking Starbucks (my mom's favorite java) and probably cry a ton. I'm thinking of next year inviting as many motherless on Mother's day and am gonna call it The Motherless Daughter/Son Day . There is strength and comfort in the sharing of our grief. Not to mention the therapeutic benefit knowing that there are people out there who understand you on that level.

To all of you who don't have a mommy to hold on Mother's Day and don't have a grave to visit, take your mother's favorite flower and place it in your local lake, the mountains or just someplace that is special to you in her honor. Take comfort in knowing that there are 2 of us who will be doing this with you.

Poke the Bear....If you Dare...BUT Don't Get Pissed When You Get Hurt....

I don't know what's up with people today. I'm currently in the process of having another argument with a friend over the fact that we don't talk everyday. What the bakers fuck is that?!? I'm NOT your girlfriend. Hell, I don't even really talk to my man everyday so what makes this guy so special?? I don't understand that. What makes some people so damn needy?

My best girlfriend lives in New York and I only talk to her once a week. NOT everyday. She knows I'm busy with school and I know she's busy with work and being preggo. My girlfriend Chi-Town is just as close to me and we dont' talk everyday either. Then there's Tennessee...that girl is like a sister to me and knows all of what's going on in my life but not even WE talk everyday!!!! Then what pisses me off more is that people have the NERVE to come to me and say I'm being a shitty friend cuz I don't have time for them everyday. GET A FUCKING HOBBY. The ONLY people I talk to daily are my family and a few friends who happen to reach out to me first and I'll reply.

Here's part of the problem: I'm honest and then feelings are hurt. Like I told this "friend" tell me your definition of what friendship should be and at that point I will let you know if I can A.) live up to it or B.) have the desire to live up to it. And that makes ME the bitch. Well so what. I guess I'm the bitch then. I don't want friendships that are exhausting. I don't want to keep feeling like I HAVE to talk to you everyfuckingday. Get a dog if you're lonely. Find a charity to volunteer with. I'm NOT you're court jester. No, you can't vicariously live thru me. Get your own life. I hope I have made myself perfectly clear but in case I haven't: to the people who expect more from me then what I'm able to give: GO FUCK YOURSELF. Hope that was clear enough.

When I go home, I'm turning off my phone. I need a break from everyone.

If You Don't Know....I'll Just Tell You!

Today has been a hell of a day! Talk about going from lows to highs to lows and highs!

So let's start with yesterday. I hung out with Arvada's family and that was a ton of fun. I got to his rents house early to help with the meal. Just me and his parents got to talk and that was eye-opening. I really do love his family so much. My baby brother called to talk to me so I stepped to the end of the kitchen to talk to him. I could hear most everyone in the family there and it sounded like pure chaos..aka heaven. I asked to talk to my nephew "David" but in the process I talked to most of my sisters who kept telling me that I should be there. I was trying SO hard to keep it together. Then my girl Tennessee text me that she loved me and I thought I was gonna lose my shit. I love you more Tennessee!!! When I turned back around after my 10 min conversation with all the family Arvada's mom had tears in her eyes. She told me that she loved how my family was. I told her that I was holding on by a string so please be so very gentle. She walked over and asked to give me a hug and I said ok..as long as it was like a 2 second hug. She hugged me and said she was so happy that I was in their family too. Was she TRYING to make me cry!?!?! LOL! We had an Easter Egg hunt for adults that had money in the eggs. At one point, I MAY or MAY NOT have pushed Arvada's younger brother out of the way to get an egg that had a dollar in it. Hey..a dollar is a dollar dude!! I called my sister and was telling her how The Cowboy and I saw the egg and were both running towards it. My sisters said: "Oh hell. Did you hurt him?" Again, I MAY or MAY NOT have pushed over some nieces and nephews to get candy after a pinata was broken open :) I plead the 5th!

So after we went to Arvada's mom's house we went to his aunt and uncle's house and stayed there til around 7pm or so. After that we saw Poppa and on my way home I called my sister again and my big brother answered the phone. It was soooo good talking to him and we laughed for around 10 minutes til he handed/threw the phone to my sister Chapay. The FIRST thing I told my brother was...OMG..u answered our sister's phone?!?! This is a cardinal sin. It will get you cut. My sister is a freak about people not answering or even touching her damn phone. I was scared for his life!! I heard my sister in the background laughing with another one and before she could even say anything my brother said: "Loca was calling so I had to answer ur phone..I'm sorry!!!!!" Then I heard my sister say: "WTF?!?!?!....hello?" I asked what happened to my brother...she said he threw the phone at her and ran out!!! He may be a gangsta but the girls in this family are crazy! My entire family and extended family got together and were playing volleyball until around 9:30pm. I called and spoke to my dad today who had a hoarse voice from laughing and yelling all night. I sooo wish I had been there.

Then today...I was still really homesick and was just in an over-all foul mood. Then I had to deal with a vendor that I truly think is an idiot. Well, I told one of my co-workers that in an email but instead of replying to just that person I replied to ALL. Yes, that's right. I also included the vendor who I thought was an idiot and I was telling her that I thought she was an idiot. D'OH!!!!! I totally thought I was gonna be fired for that so I called my sister Chapay, who was laughing so ridiculously hard that it made me laugh. She reminded me that it wasn't MY fault this girl was an idiot but didn't know that so I had to tell her. We joked about how if I did get fired how I'd pack my bags and would just show up at my dad's house. We were trying to figure out all the expressions my dad would say and holy hell was that funny! There's nothing like thinking you're gonna be fired, then calling family who makes you laugh about you thinking you're getting fired. My sister made me feel better and made the point that if I did get canned the worst that could happen was me coming home. Boy wouldn't THAT suck!?!?!!? I didn't get fired. I confessed to my boss who was doubled over laughin so hard she had tears coming down her face. Phew! Saved by the boss's sick sense of humor!!!

So counting today I only have 40 more days!!! YAY!!! I booked my flight to go home and I am ridiculously beyond excited! I even pretended to have a lil white hankie and was jumping around in my office doing my "Hallelujah I'm Going Home" dance...LOL! Good thing no one walked in as I was getting down by myself!

40 days friends. 40 days.

Has it been 40 days yet?!?!?!

Tangled....

This weekend was so much fun! I got to see Bad Religion and Rise Against both Friday and Saturday nights. It was the release I needed and I got to drink with my girl Tennessee!! YAY! We haven't done that in a while and I needed that badly. I love you, Tennessee!!

So, I love the band Staind. They have a new song out called: Tangled Up In You. I cried the first time I heard this song. I'm so odd cuz I'm not a crier in normal life unless something is horrifically wrong, but music moves me so much that I'll cry like a little school girl. I love Aaron Lewis and can totally feel his emotion in every song. This song has been stuck in my head for a while so I'm going to share the lyrics with you. I imagined a couple who is tangled in bed together, in love after so many years, kids, good or bad days. They are facing each other, legs intertwined and have just finished an awesome love making session. He cups her face with his hands and pours what's on his mind to her, trying to get her to understand just how special she is to him.

Close your eyes as you listen to this song:

Tangled Up In You

You're my world
The shelter from the rain
You're the pills
That take away my pain
You’re the light
That helps me find my way
You’re the words
When I have nothing to say

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire
That warms me when I'm cold
You're the hand I have to hold
As I grow old
You're the shore
When I am lost at sea
You're the only thing
That I like about me

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you

How long has it been
Since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends
And goes like this forever

In this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
Tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

How beautiful it must feel to have someone feel that way about you and to declare that so publicly.

I got to hang out with Arvada's family yesterday and it's so fantastic to be with someone who's family likes you. No, that's not true...they don't like me, they LOVE me. Matt's mom and I didn't get along simply because instead of including me in her family she felt as if I were taking her son from her. Arvada's family is so fantastic. A bit dysfunctional at times, but that's what makes it so much fun! We had a good luck party for his brother who enlisted into the Air Force and I got to see both sides of the family. Good times!!

I've decided that I really miss singing. Arvada told me that I should join the church we go to so I can sing on their Praise Team. I'm thinking I should....we'll see.

Have a great Monday and keep smiling at random people!

The Face of an Angel...who WILL kick your ass.....

Sometimes I wonder if there is a sign across my forehead that reads: "Interested...Please tell me your life story."

I went to the grocery store the other night and I threw on my Metro State sweatshirt, threw my hair up in a ponytail and walked outta my house looking kinda scary! I was standing in line trying to get some dinner at the deli and this older man was in front of me. I wasn't paying attention to him because I was trying to figure out what I wanted to eat. He said "Oh, so you go to Metro State?" I kinda looked at him like...how the hell do you know that? He smiled and pointed to my sweatshirt and I had to laugh cuz I felt silly. I told him I did. He asked me what I was going to school for. I told him I wanted to be a teacher and of course, naturally his next question was to ask what grades. I told him I wasn't sure yet but was toying with 2nd, or 5-7th grades. He said...ok good. No high school for you. He proceeded to tell me that he thought I was too small to teach high school and what if they disrespected me? I told him I give respect but get it as well so I think I'd be OK if I decided to teach HS. At this point it's my turn to order so I do. The older gentlemen walked away and the guy at the counter heard and said he went to Metro too. We did the small talk and I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's the old man who came back to talk to me! He told me if I decided to teach HS to be careful and he wished kids could still be paddled in school like back in the good old days. I have to admit, so do I, but that's a discussion for a different blog :) So this older man wishes me luck, I thank him, bid him a good evening and we go our separate ways.

So last night I went to see Poppa who is in a rehabilitation center inside of a nursing home. He has to be there for 3 months so I try to get over there to visit him as much as possible. As I'm walking out, I'm thinking in my head how to write a paper and am totally engrossed in myself. I have to walk by rooms of the people who reside in the nursing home part and it breaks my heart. I vow to myself then that my father WILL NOT live in one of those places. If I have to mortgage my house, sell my car, or become a drug dealer to have enough money to keep my dad at home, then so be it. I know those are strong words but they are true. Anyhoo....I see this older lady kinda wandering around the hall. I'm still thinking about my paper and my daddy but I smile at her. She stops walking around but starts walking towards me. She reaches her hand out and says: Help me. Of course I stop. I'd have to be a cold-hearted bitch not to. I will admit to certain people I am super cold-hearted but to children and the elderly I am not. So I stop and I ask her if she is OK. She tells me that she needs help with her husband. She had asked one of the nurses for help but that "bitch just walked out of here and I haven't seen her since then and my husband still needs help!" I smiled when she said the word bitch. This little old lady had spunk! I said....Ok, let's find some help. Just then, she mumbled something but I couldn't understand what she said. She kinda wandered off from me and kept mumbling. I followed for a bit and kept asking her if she was OK. She turned around to look at me but looked so confused and it was at that point that I realized she had some form of dementia. I wanted to cry as I watched her walk the halls.

I get that often. People randomly coming up to me, talking to me, opening up to me. So Colorado Boy has a cousin named M who is normally quiet, I guess. We were at the hospital together and she told me all about her trip she has just taken and all the activities she did on her trip. Co Boy said she never talks to anyone so I should feel good that she opened up to me.

I was walking home late one night and saw this teenage girl who was crying. At first I walked past her and smiled. She was so young that I immediately turned around and asked her if she was OK. She said no and started bawling. I immediately went up to her to give her a hug and at first was super standoffish. As I hugged her, she melted in my arms and sobs racked her body. I tried so hard NOT to cry. After about 5 minutes of her crying she told me this guy who she was with ditched her. She had no idea where she was at, how to get home cuz she had no cell phone or money to call her mom, or how to reach her friends. She asked me for money to take a bus home. When I asked her if she knew HOW to take a bus she started crying again and said no. I took out my cell phone and told her to call her mom and that I'd wait right there with her for her mom to come. She called her mom and of course her mom was frantic as all hell. This girl (I can't remember her name) handed me the phone so I could talk to her mom. Her mom was crying and asked if I would stay with her daughter and I said I wouldn't dream of leaving her alone, downtown at night. I told her mom I lived nearby and if it were OK if her daughter were to come to my house and wait there. I gave her my full name, my phone number, my address and told her that I wasn't an ax murderer. Her mom agreed and about 30 minutes later came for her daughter. As I fed this little girl I asked her how long had she been wandering downtown alone? She said she had stayed in that spot crying for an hour. She had men coming up to her trying to pick her up (EFFEN GROSS) and in that hour I was the first person who didn't look crazy (?!?!) or scary and that I had the face of an angel. (I wanted to ask her if she was high, but since she was all of 16 and already traumatized, I held my tongue).

I've had so many encounters like this that I could write a book about it. There were teenagers who I picked up on the freeway (sorry daddy!) and when they came to my car, they said: THANK GOD!! Finally someone who isn't a weirdo! (Wait...I thought I WAS a weirdo!) When I dropped them off at their destination they wanted to pay me but I told them to just pay it forward.

I doubt I have the face of an angel, but If I do, don't get it twisted. I will kick some serious ass if I need to!! I have to admit there is something weird with me that makes perfect strangers comfortable enough to open up to me. I'm hoping that I can take this gift to my classroom. I want my kids to feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I hope that I am strong enough, wise enough to know what to say, how to react and find the right solution to problems that may arise. I hope that people I talk to know that I genuinely care for them, even if they are strangers. We do have a human connection, and as long as they aren't bad people, that's good enough reason for me to stop to listen or help them.

Too often we are are so caught up in our own selves that we tend to forget people around us. There was a story of a man, from NYC, who was having a heart-attack. People were STEPPING OVER AND AROUND him as he lay dying. One man stopped and was so upset that people didn't give a shit. What kind of society have we become that we see someone who is clearly in need of help but we are too busy to give a damn?! I hope I never become that person.

Smile at someone today while you're walking down the street. You never know. It may just make their day!

The Countdown....

I love my family. I know a lot of people say that but I truly mean it. I talk to my daddy everyday. Well, I try to. There may be one day that goes by but certainly not 2. And if 3 went by without us talking, he'd call the cops, FBI, CIA, and anyone else he could think of to do a welfare check on my ass. When my mom died, it brought our family so much closer. Death can be a funny thing: it can tear apart a family or it can bring you closer. I'm grateful that it did the latter. My family and I talk often and I do my best to talk to my nieces and nephews often. With school taking so much of my time, I've kinda slacked in the letter writing department but once school is done, I'm going to write all 11 of them as often as I can. I got to "talk" to my 4 month old nephew the other day. At first he just breathed on the phone but a couple of minutes later he was babbling and babbling. I have NO idea what he was trying to tell me but he was so damn cute!

One of my nieces is graduation from kinder in June. I know it's not a big deal to some people but to us it's a right of passage for M. I'm trying to figure out how to go home in June but then go home again in Christmas. My dad wants all of us to go down to the motherland (Mexico) to visit family and eat the best flautas in the whole world. I'm so excited for that cuz I haven't been there in 2 years. This means that I need to get my passport in order since it has my married name on it and not MY name. Family vaca's are quite the experience. It usually involves a caravan of 3-4 cars. My dad is the WORST leader in driving cuz he takes the damn yellow lights leaving everyone stranded at the red. Then he has the nerve to call us and say that we drive too slow!!! Good times!

I'm totally stoked to go home!!! Let the countdown begin!!

Imprinting....

I feel fantastic today!! I went home and after helping a neighbor out I couched it, watching a super depressing mini-series on HBO. Around 8:30 or so I finally got off the couch, ate something and attempted to do some homework. I'm usually really proactive so my being lazy kinda freaked me out. My good buddy, Long Island came over and we watched an episode of Firefly (I'm a geek..so what). We could only watch one though cuz I lost my stupid DVD remote control. I can't find that damn thing!!! After he left, I passed out on the couch and woke up in a great mood today. I'm pretty sure I needed sleep.

So I love having conversations with Long Island...well until he mocks me. Our conversation today revolves around imprinting. No, we aren't talking about Twilight imprinting although I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the movies/books. Sometimes in life something so profound happens that shakes you to your very core and makes you question every blessed thing about yourself. Imprinting: To produce a mark on (a surface) by pressure. He was shaken after a break up. I was shaken after my divorce, but those situations were able to have us hold mirrors in front of our faces to see what went wrong. What can I do to better myself? Where did I fail? How do I fix it? I don't now about Long Island but I'm grateful, in a weird way, for my situation. It has made me a better person. I know if I'm ever ready for marriage again, I'll be a good wife because I will know what went wrong and will be more proactive with any red flags I see. Matthew Sean will forever be imprinted on my heart. That's something that doesn't go away. Maybe in time it will...who knows.

Another situation that was imprinted in me was the passing of my mom. It made me evaluate my relationships with everyone around me. Do I value my time with them? Do they all know how much I love them? Do I make them feel special?

As painful as some situations can be, due to them piercing your very heart, they are also beautiful because they are making us grow as people. The intensity of physical, emotional or psychological pain makes us more receptive or alert to beauty. This is why after a hard relationship we can be grateful for the great one that comes next. Or why, after burying your mother, are you soaking up every moment you can with your father.

It's only on days like today, that we can look back with honesty and say...HOLY HELL THAT HURT...but you know what? I'm OK. It's exciting to look back to see growth and healing. These days may not occur very often but when they are here I grab onto them with both hands and hold them close to me, to carry me through future days of imprinting.

Try To Stay Sober Feels Like I'm Dying.....

Today is a pretty day and but I'm not in a pretty mood. I'm sure it's because I'm tired emotionally and physically. I could have slept til noon today!! I think I need to pound the pavement today and get this blah out.

Other than that I've got about 3 weeks left of school! It's a complete Yay but NO moment. Yay cuz I'm one semester closer to graduating but NO cuz I'm gonna be so bored this summer. Maybe I'll just take one class and see how that goes. I def don't want a Saturday class. I want to have my Saturday's to myself for the summer so I can do fun things and get out to know Colorado better. Aaah hell. I think I just figured out what part of my funk could be. I just looked at a calendar and mother's day is coming up. Fantastic.

I'll be OK...just gotta shake the blues with some great music. See...I'm feeling better now....Fine Again by Seether just came on.

Gotta go to rock out....

Oh Shit. I'm Finally Ready......

To all my friends reading this: SIT DOWN. Seriously. I don't want to be responsible for you hurting yourself. Especially you, OC.

Ok, so I come from a pretty big family. I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers, with my brothers being at the beginning and end of the chain. My older brother who I actually call "Brother" is married with 4 kids. Chapay is next and only has one. Then follows Izma with 3. I'm not done yet. Then there's Katinka with her 2. Then Satsuke has her one that she just had 4 months ago. Pinky BETTER not be knocked up and my baby brother Kiss (we named him that cuz as a little boy he'd walk around and want to kiss EVERYONE!) has none cuz he's only 17. So, everyone of childbearing age that is married has children. Yes, all of my siblings are married and there are no baby's daddy's or baby momma's. With that being said, I've always feared having kids. What if something I say screws them up? Or something I do? Or I just turn out to not be a good mommy? Most of my friends say I'd be a terrific mom, but it really boils down to what I think. Will I be a good mom? I think so. Maybe. Hopefully.

Even when I was married I wasn't ready to have kids. I think a lot of that had to do with sharing Matt. I didn't want to do that cuz I wanted him all to myself and I wasn't ready for our married life to change, yet. I admit being selfish in that regard and again, the fear of being a bad mom kept me from having babies.

I take care of most people around me. It's a disease I have that I can't seem to get rid of. I call it the "older child" syndrome. Us older children learned how to not only take care of ourselves but we also learned how to take care of the siblings under us, thus learning how to care for everyone around you. Sometimes it's a good thing to have and at other times, It's a downright curse. I woke up this morning thinking: Ok, I'm ready. Ready for what you ask?? Well, let me tell you. I'm ready for a baby. I know, I know!! What tha?!?!? As I was trying to help some friends thru a situation I thought, well damn...I take care of everyone around me, so why can't I take care of a baby?? MY baby? I couldn't come up with one excuse. Well, that's a lie. I did, but I had an answer for every excuse. oh man. I'm ready for a baby.

Now here's the funny part. I have no one to have a baby with. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! How's THAT for irony??? Matt begged and begged me for a child and I wasn't ready. Now that I am, he's not around. I feel like Alanis Morissette right now. So I'm not gonna panic yet. I'm just gonna get myself ready to incubate a child. This includes taking prenatal's, exercising, stopping caffeine AND drinking. Wait. Am I THAT ready?!?!? No more java in the am OR Daddy Grey Goose?? Eeek. Hmmmmm....Maybe I'll just take it one day at a time and get used to the idea that I want a wee one. Great. Now that I want one I probably waited way too long and my damn ovaries are nothing but dust. (sigh)

Well, there it is. The Big News.

Wing Tuesday

I'm in a good mood today. I totally shouldn't be though cuz my head is effen KILLING me. I carry all my stress in my shoulders so I tend to get tension headaches a lot. But, other then my head/shoulders hurting, I'm in a great mood. I went home last night,cleaned my place, did my laundry and a lil homework. You can tell how I'm doing in life by the condition my apartment is in. Sad, but true. Messy apt= messy life. Clean apt= relatively clean life.

My tattoo is healing really well and is starting to peel now. I was a little freaked out by that cuz it's scary to watch the ink leave your body. I don't want to have to have it touched-up, but if I absolutely have too, then I will. I'll be excited to be able to wear a bra too! Right now I can't cuz the tatt is right on my bra line and I'm NOT messing it up. And I can't wait to run!! It's getting nicer and nicer outside and running keeps calling me.

I have a pretty busy week and am grateful for that. I hate being bored or staying in the damn house all the time. I don't understand people who do that: sit at home on the couch all day/evening. I did that this weekend but that was cuz I was letting my tattoo heal. Other than that, I'm always out of my house, in the sun, while enjoying the company of friends.

I have class tonight and I'm excited for that. Weird, huh? AND it's my math class. It's amazing how one teacher can make all the difference in the world. I've only missed 2 classes this semester but last semester I missed a ton cuz I didn't care for the teaching style of my teacher. Dr. C is a great teacher who will let us ask as many questions as we need to and won't make us feel dumb. It helps that I'm tutoring....oh...can you believe that? I'm tutoring. In Math. Wow. Miracles never cease!

Today I get to hang with my boy Nigeria and we're going to go have wings. Mmmmmmm....wings.

Pain Therapy

Soooo, I went and did it. I got my PAIN/LOVE ambigram tattoo on Friday night. Friday was pretty rough for me so it was necessary for me to feel pain. I know, I know that sounds bad. Don't judge me. Some people eat chocolate to make themselves feel better, others need to cry, while I need to feel physical pain. Everyone is different, right?

So I go to my tatt artist who thinks I'm completely crazy and asked him to tatt me up. After telling me the ribs are one of the most painful spots on our bodies he agreed to do it, since I wanted it. This was my first huge piece. I have one small one on each of my wrists and then a small one on my right hip. Go big or go home, right? So after 2 hours of squeezing the shit out of Sweets S's hand, swearing in Spanish, moaning, praying and yes, even some laughter, my tattoo was done. During the most painful parts I kept reminding myself why I was doing this. I mentally spoke quite a bit to my mom and that seemed to get me through. My heart is tattooed as is now, my body. Did this therapy session help me? I think so. At least for now it did.

Love/Pain. Pain/Love. Is there a difference?

The Bane of My Existence.....

Happy Friday!!!!! Or is it?!?!?

There was some traffic coming into work and I glanced ahead of my car wondering what the hold up was when I saw someone dressed in their uniform. His back was to me so at first I couldn't really tell who it was, but so what...it was a simple hotel employee. Until...he started to walk. I'd recognize that walk anywhere. And those broad shoulders. Along with the brown curly hair that pokes out from the hat. My heart kinda skipped a beat and I immediately started trying to find my escape route. The right lane had traffic that wouldn't let me over...bastards. Then this guy started to walk towards my car. When we locked eyes, he stopped and just stared at me and then waved, while smiling. Shit. Shit. Shit. Great. Wonderful. I smiled back at him and waved hi. He then got distracted and turned around. Luckily there was a break in traffic in the right lane, so I took it and boned out. As I looked in my rear-view mirror I watched him watching me drive away. He stood in that place for a couple seconds, then dropped his head and looked at the ground. When I saw him do that, I felt kinda bad that I took the cowards way out by running away, so I thought about going around the block to talk to him. Was I strong enough for that? I didn't know but I was gonna try it until the damn song we danced to as husband and wife at our wedding reception came on. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Wow. Talk about a slice to the heart. Like I've said earlier...I'm getting better. I can now, 4 years later, listen to this song and not so completely fall apart. I'm getting better but I'm still not fully healed. Will I ever be? I don't know. How do you stop loving the person you loved with your entire existence? Again, I don't know, but I hope that I will. I can say that I will always love Matthew. Always. Which is completely annoying.

My friends got a puppy and they named him Onyx. Ok, Jesus. What are you trying to tell me? To anyone that name wouldn't be such a big deal but to me it's huge. My dog with Matt was named Aunix. Onyx looks exactly like my Aunix. They could pass as brother and sister. When I went over to their house yesterday, I saw this puppy and he saw me. I just kinda sat on the floor and let him come to me. He cautiously came over and he did the strangest thing: he just stared at me in the eyes for 10 full seconds, then climbed into my lap and placed his head on my shoulder. Aunix used to do that to me. I just hugged boy Onxy and tried really, really, really hard not to cry. It's as if I'm reliving my life with Matt in so many ways. Every time I say Onyx I think of my sweet baby girl, who I miss so much and think of her all the time. I wish I could go to my evil MIL's house and take back my baby, but it would be cruel. To MIL, Aunix and Fluffy, the other dog.

I want a puppy so badly but I feel as if I'm cheating on Aunix. I've only had to give away 2 dogs in my life and that pain is horrible as well. Aunix was the worst cuz she was there with me during my divorce. She would sit in my lap and lick every single tear that fell. She would put her head on my shoulder and whimper in my ear asking, what is wrong, mama?? She would let me just hold her as sobs racked my body and I couldn't understand what was going on with my life. She was my rock.

I'm going to get a new tattoo that's an ambigram: Love is Pain/Pain is Love. No 3 words have ever been so true. The only friend I have who understands that is Tennessee. Girl, I love you more than you know.

Happy Friday, peeps.

What Tha?!?!

So I had written this really long pensive blog in which I word vomited but when I went to post it, it was all gone. Shit!

I was gonna get super irritated until I saw that Biker Jim's has the mac n cheese brat today and so now I'm ok :)

If your on a "my life sucks, I hate my job, I'm sick of making my boss richer, I'm too fat, my love life sucks" kick today, go to CNN and read the news: Jerusalem was bombed. The jobless are losing their benefits. The Libyans are fighting for their lives. The Japanese are facing radiation, homelessness and starvation.

Still think your life sucks? Ok. Change it.

I'd love to stay and chat, however I have a mac n cheese hot dog to eat but before I eat it, I'm going to say a heartfelt prayer of thanks for the life I have, ask for forgivenss over the opportunities I was given but squandered but most of all to have the gumption to take full advantage of the endless possibilities that still lie before me.

Friends....

I love people. Not just anybody...well, that's a lie. I like most people, but I love the people that understand me. Who know, that at one moment I want one thing, but the very next moment I loathe the very thing I wanted. Am I bi-polar?? LOL!! Maybe. I prefer the word self-preservant. I got to talk to a girlfriend that has known me since I was 5 years old. I can honestly say, besides my family she is my oldest friend. It was fantastic to talk to her and reminisce of home.

I also got an early morning wake up call from an old friend from college. 4am early. The only thing she wanted was to tell me that she loved and missed me. At 4am. Let me write that one more time: 4 in the freakin morning!!! No, I didn't swear that badly at her, but when I found out she was OK, I told her I was hanging up the phone now and would call her back at a respectable hour.

I had drinks with my friend Kiko yesterday. I laughed so hard I snorted. It was sooo exactly what I needed.

At first, I'm not gonna lie, I was super irritated that I was woken from my sleep cuz I don't sleep well, just for my girlfriend to tell me she loved me. As I lay there trying to fall back asleep, I had to smile and thank God for that phone call. Not everyone is as lucky to have friends like that. Who aren't afraid to tell you how they feel. Time can pass between us but the fact doesn't change that there is still love there. We don't have to talk everyday for us to know we care about each other, nor do we have to hang out all the blessed time!! As long as we can steal a few moments, that's all the fuel our friendship needs to keep going strong. I'm not pulled into 5 milion directions. What I can give them is more than enough. As I reflect back on this weekend, I'm thinking all this was divine intervention for the phone call I have to have later tonight. I'm not sure how it's going to end. I'm not sure if I'm going to hear that I'm a shitty friend and how disappointing I can be or that I'm not meeting all the expectations that were set for me. If I do hear that, I'm sure it will hurt but I can also reflect on the weekend that I've had which filled my heart with love....