The Bane of My Existence.....

Happy Friday!!!!! Or is it?!?!?

There was some traffic coming into work and I glanced ahead of my car wondering what the hold up was when I saw someone dressed in their uniform. His back was to me so at first I couldn't really tell who it was, but so what...it was a simple hotel employee. Until...he started to walk. I'd recognize that walk anywhere. And those broad shoulders. Along with the brown curly hair that pokes out from the hat. My heart kinda skipped a beat and I immediately started trying to find my escape route. The right lane had traffic that wouldn't let me over...bastards. Then this guy started to walk towards my car. When we locked eyes, he stopped and just stared at me and then waved, while smiling. Shit. Shit. Shit. Great. Wonderful. I smiled back at him and waved hi. He then got distracted and turned around. Luckily there was a break in traffic in the right lane, so I took it and boned out. As I looked in my rear-view mirror I watched him watching me drive away. He stood in that place for a couple seconds, then dropped his head and looked at the ground. When I saw him do that, I felt kinda bad that I took the cowards way out by running away, so I thought about going around the block to talk to him. Was I strong enough for that? I didn't know but I was gonna try it until the damn song we danced to as husband and wife at our wedding reception came on. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Wow. Talk about a slice to the heart. Like I've said earlier...I'm getting better. I can now, 4 years later, listen to this song and not so completely fall apart. I'm getting better but I'm still not fully healed. Will I ever be? I don't know. How do you stop loving the person you loved with your entire existence? Again, I don't know, but I hope that I will. I can say that I will always love Matthew. Always. Which is completely annoying.

My friends got a puppy and they named him Onyx. Ok, Jesus. What are you trying to tell me? To anyone that name wouldn't be such a big deal but to me it's huge. My dog with Matt was named Aunix. Onyx looks exactly like my Aunix. They could pass as brother and sister. When I went over to their house yesterday, I saw this puppy and he saw me. I just kinda sat on the floor and let him come to me. He cautiously came over and he did the strangest thing: he just stared at me in the eyes for 10 full seconds, then climbed into my lap and placed his head on my shoulder. Aunix used to do that to me. I just hugged boy Onxy and tried really, really, really hard not to cry. It's as if I'm reliving my life with Matt in so many ways. Every time I say Onyx I think of my sweet baby girl, who I miss so much and think of her all the time. I wish I could go to my evil MIL's house and take back my baby, but it would be cruel. To MIL, Aunix and Fluffy, the other dog.

I want a puppy so badly but I feel as if I'm cheating on Aunix. I've only had to give away 2 dogs in my life and that pain is horrible as well. Aunix was the worst cuz she was there with me during my divorce. She would sit in my lap and lick every single tear that fell. She would put her head on my shoulder and whimper in my ear asking, what is wrong, mama?? She would let me just hold her as sobs racked my body and I couldn't understand what was going on with my life. She was my rock.

I'm going to get a new tattoo that's an ambigram: Love is Pain/Pain is Love. No 3 words have ever been so true. The only friend I have who understands that is Tennessee. Girl, I love you more than you know.

Happy Friday, peeps.