Tangled....

This weekend was so much fun! I got to see Bad Religion and Rise Against both Friday and Saturday nights. It was the release I needed and I got to drink with my girl Tennessee!! YAY! We haven't done that in a while and I needed that badly. I love you, Tennessee!!

So, I love the band Staind. They have a new song out called: Tangled Up In You. I cried the first time I heard this song. I'm so odd cuz I'm not a crier in normal life unless something is horrifically wrong, but music moves me so much that I'll cry like a little school girl. I love Aaron Lewis and can totally feel his emotion in every song. This song has been stuck in my head for a while so I'm going to share the lyrics with you. I imagined a couple who is tangled in bed together, in love after so many years, kids, good or bad days. They are facing each other, legs intertwined and have just finished an awesome love making session. He cups her face with his hands and pours what's on his mind to her, trying to get her to understand just how special she is to him.

Close your eyes as you listen to this song:

Tangled Up In You

You're my world
The shelter from the rain
You're the pills
That take away my pain
You’re the light
That helps me find my way
You’re the words
When I have nothing to say

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire
That warms me when I'm cold
You're the hand I have to hold
As I grow old
You're the shore
When I am lost at sea
You're the only thing
That I like about me

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you

How long has it been
Since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends
And goes like this forever

In this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
Tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

How beautiful it must feel to have someone feel that way about you and to declare that so publicly.

I got to hang out with Arvada's family yesterday and it's so fantastic to be with someone who's family likes you. No, that's not true...they don't like me, they LOVE me. Matt's mom and I didn't get along simply because instead of including me in her family she felt as if I were taking her son from her. Arvada's family is so fantastic. A bit dysfunctional at times, but that's what makes it so much fun! We had a good luck party for his brother who enlisted into the Air Force and I got to see both sides of the family. Good times!!

I've decided that I really miss singing. Arvada told me that I should join the church we go to so I can sing on their Praise Team. I'm thinking I should....we'll see.

Have a great Monday and keep smiling at random people!

The Face of an Angel...who WILL kick your ass.....

Sometimes I wonder if there is a sign across my forehead that reads: "Interested...Please tell me your life story."

I went to the grocery store the other night and I threw on my Metro State sweatshirt, threw my hair up in a ponytail and walked outta my house looking kinda scary! I was standing in line trying to get some dinner at the deli and this older man was in front of me. I wasn't paying attention to him because I was trying to figure out what I wanted to eat. He said "Oh, so you go to Metro State?" I kinda looked at him like...how the hell do you know that? He smiled and pointed to my sweatshirt and I had to laugh cuz I felt silly. I told him I did. He asked me what I was going to school for. I told him I wanted to be a teacher and of course, naturally his next question was to ask what grades. I told him I wasn't sure yet but was toying with 2nd, or 5-7th grades. He said...ok good. No high school for you. He proceeded to tell me that he thought I was too small to teach high school and what if they disrespected me? I told him I give respect but get it as well so I think I'd be OK if I decided to teach HS. At this point it's my turn to order so I do. The older gentlemen walked away and the guy at the counter heard and said he went to Metro too. We did the small talk and I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's the old man who came back to talk to me! He told me if I decided to teach HS to be careful and he wished kids could still be paddled in school like back in the good old days. I have to admit, so do I, but that's a discussion for a different blog :) So this older man wishes me luck, I thank him, bid him a good evening and we go our separate ways.

So last night I went to see Poppa who is in a rehabilitation center inside of a nursing home. He has to be there for 3 months so I try to get over there to visit him as much as possible. As I'm walking out, I'm thinking in my head how to write a paper and am totally engrossed in myself. I have to walk by rooms of the people who reside in the nursing home part and it breaks my heart. I vow to myself then that my father WILL NOT live in one of those places. If I have to mortgage my house, sell my car, or become a drug dealer to have enough money to keep my dad at home, then so be it. I know those are strong words but they are true. Anyhoo....I see this older lady kinda wandering around the hall. I'm still thinking about my paper and my daddy but I smile at her. She stops walking around but starts walking towards me. She reaches her hand out and says: Help me. Of course I stop. I'd have to be a cold-hearted bitch not to. I will admit to certain people I am super cold-hearted but to children and the elderly I am not. So I stop and I ask her if she is OK. She tells me that she needs help with her husband. She had asked one of the nurses for help but that "bitch just walked out of here and I haven't seen her since then and my husband still needs help!" I smiled when she said the word bitch. This little old lady had spunk! I said....Ok, let's find some help. Just then, she mumbled something but I couldn't understand what she said. She kinda wandered off from me and kept mumbling. I followed for a bit and kept asking her if she was OK. She turned around to look at me but looked so confused and it was at that point that I realized she had some form of dementia. I wanted to cry as I watched her walk the halls.

I get that often. People randomly coming up to me, talking to me, opening up to me. So Colorado Boy has a cousin named M who is normally quiet, I guess. We were at the hospital together and she told me all about her trip she has just taken and all the activities she did on her trip. Co Boy said she never talks to anyone so I should feel good that she opened up to me.

I was walking home late one night and saw this teenage girl who was crying. At first I walked past her and smiled. She was so young that I immediately turned around and asked her if she was OK. She said no and started bawling. I immediately went up to her to give her a hug and at first was super standoffish. As I hugged her, she melted in my arms and sobs racked her body. I tried so hard NOT to cry. After about 5 minutes of her crying she told me this guy who she was with ditched her. She had no idea where she was at, how to get home cuz she had no cell phone or money to call her mom, or how to reach her friends. She asked me for money to take a bus home. When I asked her if she knew HOW to take a bus she started crying again and said no. I took out my cell phone and told her to call her mom and that I'd wait right there with her for her mom to come. She called her mom and of course her mom was frantic as all hell. This girl (I can't remember her name) handed me the phone so I could talk to her mom. Her mom was crying and asked if I would stay with her daughter and I said I wouldn't dream of leaving her alone, downtown at night. I told her mom I lived nearby and if it were OK if her daughter were to come to my house and wait there. I gave her my full name, my phone number, my address and told her that I wasn't an ax murderer. Her mom agreed and about 30 minutes later came for her daughter. As I fed this little girl I asked her how long had she been wandering downtown alone? She said she had stayed in that spot crying for an hour. She had men coming up to her trying to pick her up (EFFEN GROSS) and in that hour I was the first person who didn't look crazy (?!?!) or scary and that I had the face of an angel. (I wanted to ask her if she was high, but since she was all of 16 and already traumatized, I held my tongue).

I've had so many encounters like this that I could write a book about it. There were teenagers who I picked up on the freeway (sorry daddy!) and when they came to my car, they said: THANK GOD!! Finally someone who isn't a weirdo! (Wait...I thought I WAS a weirdo!) When I dropped them off at their destination they wanted to pay me but I told them to just pay it forward.

I doubt I have the face of an angel, but If I do, don't get it twisted. I will kick some serious ass if I need to!! I have to admit there is something weird with me that makes perfect strangers comfortable enough to open up to me. I'm hoping that I can take this gift to my classroom. I want my kids to feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I hope that I am strong enough, wise enough to know what to say, how to react and find the right solution to problems that may arise. I hope that people I talk to know that I genuinely care for them, even if they are strangers. We do have a human connection, and as long as they aren't bad people, that's good enough reason for me to stop to listen or help them.

Too often we are are so caught up in our own selves that we tend to forget people around us. There was a story of a man, from NYC, who was having a heart-attack. People were STEPPING OVER AND AROUND him as he lay dying. One man stopped and was so upset that people didn't give a shit. What kind of society have we become that we see someone who is clearly in need of help but we are too busy to give a damn?! I hope I never become that person.

Smile at someone today while you're walking down the street. You never know. It may just make their day!

The Countdown....

I love my family. I know a lot of people say that but I truly mean it. I talk to my daddy everyday. Well, I try to. There may be one day that goes by but certainly not 2. And if 3 went by without us talking, he'd call the cops, FBI, CIA, and anyone else he could think of to do a welfare check on my ass. When my mom died, it brought our family so much closer. Death can be a funny thing: it can tear apart a family or it can bring you closer. I'm grateful that it did the latter. My family and I talk often and I do my best to talk to my nieces and nephews often. With school taking so much of my time, I've kinda slacked in the letter writing department but once school is done, I'm going to write all 11 of them as often as I can. I got to "talk" to my 4 month old nephew the other day. At first he just breathed on the phone but a couple of minutes later he was babbling and babbling. I have NO idea what he was trying to tell me but he was so damn cute!

One of my nieces is graduation from kinder in June. I know it's not a big deal to some people but to us it's a right of passage for M. I'm trying to figure out how to go home in June but then go home again in Christmas. My dad wants all of us to go down to the motherland (Mexico) to visit family and eat the best flautas in the whole world. I'm so excited for that cuz I haven't been there in 2 years. This means that I need to get my passport in order since it has my married name on it and not MY name. Family vaca's are quite the experience. It usually involves a caravan of 3-4 cars. My dad is the WORST leader in driving cuz he takes the damn yellow lights leaving everyone stranded at the red. Then he has the nerve to call us and say that we drive too slow!!! Good times!

I'm totally stoked to go home!!! Let the countdown begin!!

Imprinting....

I feel fantastic today!! I went home and after helping a neighbor out I couched it, watching a super depressing mini-series on HBO. Around 8:30 or so I finally got off the couch, ate something and attempted to do some homework. I'm usually really proactive so my being lazy kinda freaked me out. My good buddy, Long Island came over and we watched an episode of Firefly (I'm a geek..so what). We could only watch one though cuz I lost my stupid DVD remote control. I can't find that damn thing!!! After he left, I passed out on the couch and woke up in a great mood today. I'm pretty sure I needed sleep.

So I love having conversations with Long Island...well until he mocks me. Our conversation today revolves around imprinting. No, we aren't talking about Twilight imprinting although I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the movies/books. Sometimes in life something so profound happens that shakes you to your very core and makes you question every blessed thing about yourself. Imprinting: To produce a mark on (a surface) by pressure. He was shaken after a break up. I was shaken after my divorce, but those situations were able to have us hold mirrors in front of our faces to see what went wrong. What can I do to better myself? Where did I fail? How do I fix it? I don't now about Long Island but I'm grateful, in a weird way, for my situation. It has made me a better person. I know if I'm ever ready for marriage again, I'll be a good wife because I will know what went wrong and will be more proactive with any red flags I see. Matthew Sean will forever be imprinted on my heart. That's something that doesn't go away. Maybe in time it will...who knows.

Another situation that was imprinted in me was the passing of my mom. It made me evaluate my relationships with everyone around me. Do I value my time with them? Do they all know how much I love them? Do I make them feel special?

As painful as some situations can be, due to them piercing your very heart, they are also beautiful because they are making us grow as people. The intensity of physical, emotional or psychological pain makes us more receptive or alert to beauty. This is why after a hard relationship we can be grateful for the great one that comes next. Or why, after burying your mother, are you soaking up every moment you can with your father.

It's only on days like today, that we can look back with honesty and say...HOLY HELL THAT HURT...but you know what? I'm OK. It's exciting to look back to see growth and healing. These days may not occur very often but when they are here I grab onto them with both hands and hold them close to me, to carry me through future days of imprinting.

Try To Stay Sober Feels Like I'm Dying.....

Today is a pretty day and but I'm not in a pretty mood. I'm sure it's because I'm tired emotionally and physically. I could have slept til noon today!! I think I need to pound the pavement today and get this blah out.

Other than that I've got about 3 weeks left of school! It's a complete Yay but NO moment. Yay cuz I'm one semester closer to graduating but NO cuz I'm gonna be so bored this summer. Maybe I'll just take one class and see how that goes. I def don't want a Saturday class. I want to have my Saturday's to myself for the summer so I can do fun things and get out to know Colorado better. Aaah hell. I think I just figured out what part of my funk could be. I just looked at a calendar and mother's day is coming up. Fantastic.

I'll be OK...just gotta shake the blues with some great music. See...I'm feeling better now....Fine Again by Seether just came on.

Gotta go to rock out....

Oh Shit. I'm Finally Ready......

To all my friends reading this: SIT DOWN. Seriously. I don't want to be responsible for you hurting yourself. Especially you, OC.

Ok, so I come from a pretty big family. I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers, with my brothers being at the beginning and end of the chain. My older brother who I actually call "Brother" is married with 4 kids. Chapay is next and only has one. Then follows Izma with 3. I'm not done yet. Then there's Katinka with her 2. Then Satsuke has her one that she just had 4 months ago. Pinky BETTER not be knocked up and my baby brother Kiss (we named him that cuz as a little boy he'd walk around and want to kiss EVERYONE!) has none cuz he's only 17. So, everyone of childbearing age that is married has children. Yes, all of my siblings are married and there are no baby's daddy's or baby momma's. With that being said, I've always feared having kids. What if something I say screws them up? Or something I do? Or I just turn out to not be a good mommy? Most of my friends say I'd be a terrific mom, but it really boils down to what I think. Will I be a good mom? I think so. Maybe. Hopefully.

Even when I was married I wasn't ready to have kids. I think a lot of that had to do with sharing Matt. I didn't want to do that cuz I wanted him all to myself and I wasn't ready for our married life to change, yet. I admit being selfish in that regard and again, the fear of being a bad mom kept me from having babies.

I take care of most people around me. It's a disease I have that I can't seem to get rid of. I call it the "older child" syndrome. Us older children learned how to not only take care of ourselves but we also learned how to take care of the siblings under us, thus learning how to care for everyone around you. Sometimes it's a good thing to have and at other times, It's a downright curse. I woke up this morning thinking: Ok, I'm ready. Ready for what you ask?? Well, let me tell you. I'm ready for a baby. I know, I know!! What tha?!?!? As I was trying to help some friends thru a situation I thought, well damn...I take care of everyone around me, so why can't I take care of a baby?? MY baby? I couldn't come up with one excuse. Well, that's a lie. I did, but I had an answer for every excuse. oh man. I'm ready for a baby.

Now here's the funny part. I have no one to have a baby with. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! How's THAT for irony??? Matt begged and begged me for a child and I wasn't ready. Now that I am, he's not around. I feel like Alanis Morissette right now. So I'm not gonna panic yet. I'm just gonna get myself ready to incubate a child. This includes taking prenatal's, exercising, stopping caffeine AND drinking. Wait. Am I THAT ready?!?!? No more java in the am OR Daddy Grey Goose?? Eeek. Hmmmmm....Maybe I'll just take it one day at a time and get used to the idea that I want a wee one. Great. Now that I want one I probably waited way too long and my damn ovaries are nothing but dust. (sigh)

Well, there it is. The Big News.

Wing Tuesday

I'm in a good mood today. I totally shouldn't be though cuz my head is effen KILLING me. I carry all my stress in my shoulders so I tend to get tension headaches a lot. But, other then my head/shoulders hurting, I'm in a great mood. I went home last night,cleaned my place, did my laundry and a lil homework. You can tell how I'm doing in life by the condition my apartment is in. Sad, but true. Messy apt= messy life. Clean apt= relatively clean life.

My tattoo is healing really well and is starting to peel now. I was a little freaked out by that cuz it's scary to watch the ink leave your body. I don't want to have to have it touched-up, but if I absolutely have too, then I will. I'll be excited to be able to wear a bra too! Right now I can't cuz the tatt is right on my bra line and I'm NOT messing it up. And I can't wait to run!! It's getting nicer and nicer outside and running keeps calling me.

I have a pretty busy week and am grateful for that. I hate being bored or staying in the damn house all the time. I don't understand people who do that: sit at home on the couch all day/evening. I did that this weekend but that was cuz I was letting my tattoo heal. Other than that, I'm always out of my house, in the sun, while enjoying the company of friends.

I have class tonight and I'm excited for that. Weird, huh? AND it's my math class. It's amazing how one teacher can make all the difference in the world. I've only missed 2 classes this semester but last semester I missed a ton cuz I didn't care for the teaching style of my teacher. Dr. C is a great teacher who will let us ask as many questions as we need to and won't make us feel dumb. It helps that I'm tutoring....oh...can you believe that? I'm tutoring. In Math. Wow. Miracles never cease!

Today I get to hang with my boy Nigeria and we're going to go have wings. Mmmmmmm....wings.