Just. Breathe.

Where do you turn when the person u least thought would ever hurt you, does? You can't run to that person, cuz they are the cause of it. Yet you can't stay away from that person cuz they are important to you. Every time you look at them you are reminded of the hurt. How do you go on? Yes, you forgive, but how do you let them back in? Fully. Without reservation? Without the walls? The shitty thing is this person is soo happy you forgave them so they act like nothing happened. wow. Wish I had that kinda "bounce-back". When everything you do for them is for their good, but they have absolutely NO regard for how you would feel. I don't understand that kinda selfishness. Selfishness. One little word that fucks up people around the selfish person. We end up being COS.....casualties of selfishness. What a cunt selfishness is.

I'm in a funk. No...not a new one. Still the same funk that just kinda lingers around...kinda like a stinky fart that won't go away!! Today I almost got into my car and packed it with whatever I could fit and actually just drove away. I had even packed my shit in my office and was just gonna bounce. Not tell one single person but my dad where I was gonna be. The wound was that deep. The pain that intense that for a moment I couldn't breathe. I was at this place once....and it almost killed me...literally. I don't want that place again. Never. I'll pack my shit and go before I ever let someone hurt me that badly again.

I want freedom. I need freedom. I feel broken. No...that's not true. I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is worse then feeling broken, because at least with broken you feel some fuckin thing. I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just.....nothing. I was trying to pin-point where my funk started. And it was last year. I know where it started. I'm not sure how to fix it though. I haven't "eaten" in a long time. I'm running on the fumes of reserved energy. There are times during the day that I have little spurts of energy. Like when the sun is shining and I'm glad I have another day to live. Then my next thought is: fuk...another day. I want to move someplace where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Can I get that mulligan? Can I have that freedom again?

My gf asked me today: Rae, do you believe in soul mates? I had to honestly think about it. I think in the way she was speaking that no. There is no such thing as a soul mate as a spouse. We were lied to as children. We were told that there is that ONE special person. Bullshit. I'm really starting to believe that we aren't made for single relationships. It seems to not exist anymore. Cheryl said she wanted to believe that there was a person out there that when they met her they would have no temptation to cheat. That she would be all this person needed. I had to be real with her and tell her...yeah...that shit isn't gonna happen. I have the words Faith and Love tatt'd on my wrists. The 2 words that used to be sooo important to me. I'm losing faith in love....people....just in general. Muzaff told me Saturday that the sooner I woke up and realized that people are grimy, the better off I would be. Well, I think I've woken up and smelled the shit...and let me tell ya...it stinks!! My 2 new favorite words are Just. Breathe. If I focus on my breathing then I can't focus on anything else.

I'm looking into moving soon. School used to be what tied me down here. Now, I really don't give a shit. I can transfer my credits. I need something new. I need someone to come restore my faith. In people. In life. In love. Better yet...I'm going to unleash Lucie. That bitch is ruthless. She doesn't give a fuk about anyone but herself. Fuk people. Fuk love. "Just get mine" is her philosophy. People ARE grimy....even the people close to you. Shit...they're probably the grimiest...

I don't want any pity cuz my life really doesn't suk all that bad. Just parts of it do. I'm just being real about what is going on in my heart and head. I'm the bitch that tells it how it is. Who won't fuckin beat around the bush. Who's blunt and to the point. Don't wast my time. I won't waste urs........

Fuk Faith. Fuk Love. Just. Breathe.

Goodbye Rae. Hello Lucie.

My Daddy is the single most important person in my life. I would die for that man. Without thinking twice or even batting an eye. I would give him my heart if he would take it. That man has literally been thru the bowels of hell for me, so there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. That being said, when he dies, I will too. When I was a little kid....I used to wish to be changed into a boy, on every single birthday. This was because my dad worked on a ranch and would always tell me the ranch wasn't a place for little girls...only little boys. I thought that if I wished on my birthday candles, that I would magically wake up as a boy!! LOL! Around 7 is when I started to understand that my dad was sick. His heart wasn't cooperating with him. He has what you call an enlarged heart. As of a couple of years ago, he only has inches left in his chest for his heart to grow, then he'll die of a massive heart-attack. Even just writing this freaks me out!! My daddy has been the only constant person in my life. No matter what I have done, how I have failed, or the amount of shit I have waded into, my dad has always been there. Always loving me...yes, he would get hella irritated with me at times, but I always knew that he loved me. ALWAYS.

He called me yesterday to tell me that he needs an angioplasty done. Is it something to freak out about? To most people: no. Someone told me...oh Rae...these are done all the time. Well guess what?? I only have one father and I want to make sure that he's OK. I actually NEED him to be ok. I can't even imagine my life without my dad. I honestly talk to him 3-4 times a day. Thinking of my dad not being here physically on earth with me makes me wanna puke. I know that he is getting older and his heart is getting more and more tired and that eventually one day he will die. But not before I do. Like I was saying, at 7 I realized my dad was sick. My birthday wishes changed to: "Dear God...please take me before you take my dad." This is how I honestly feel. The pain in my soul that would come of my dad dying would be way more then I could possibly bare. I would just lay down and die. I wouldn't have the will to live. My mom's death was pretty hard, and that's, that I wasn't as close to her as I am to my father. My dad and I can talk about anything. Who I'm dating, where I'm going.....anything.

His surgery is next week and I'm going to be a mess this entire week. I want to pack my shit and go home. I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. Just fuckin BLAH. Not caring about anything. Just kinda here. And then this got thrown into my lap. I was telling a girlfriend last night that I feel like something very bad is about to happen. I don't know when, what or what will happen, but it's almost as if I'm being prepared. Like I'm on auto-pilot just cruising thru the motions.....so that in case this big shit happens I don't completely shut down. It better not be about my dad. I'll go ape shit.....No....I won't go ape shit....I'll just cease to exist.......

Done!

OK....so I'm done playing games. DONE. I'm so tired of feeling beat down. I'm tired of all the shit that's been dumped on me....it's not even MY shit! Forgive me so I can forget you. It's Rae time now. I'm determined to get back on the grind called life. I'm coming out swinging, baby. Either you're on this train headed in the right direction or you better tuck and roll. I'm done carrying dead weight. You've never been anywhere but here...wanting nothing but to stay the same. I don't want to stay the same....I embrace change. I WILL not let my dreams die. I WILL not let my soul die. I WILL not accept defeat.....

Mi Media Naranja

So...I have found him.....FINALLY!! JoN!!! To those of you who don't know what that means, no...his name isn't Jon. I'm not gonna name him. That's private shit. But I have finally found the other half to my soul. The One who looks deep into my eyes and I can feel him touching my soul. He doesn't even flinch when he see darkness there. He simply accepts me for me. I've never been so close to someone...that when we're apart if physically hurts. No one on this earth knows me as well as he does. I NEED him. Like the air I breathe....like the food that nourishes my body. This is how he is to me. When we aren't together we are constantly in contact. Be it IM, text, email, phone or just in each others minds. I can feel him...constantly with me. Just as I am constantly with him. To other people this shit might sound weird. To you I say: How sad for you to not ever experience closeness with someone like this. I don't mean close...I mean CLOSE. Like this person is you and you are this person. When he hugs me, it's a genuine hug. It's like he's trying to be IN me. I could be with him for hours and never say a word, but so much communication is happening. Life is funny. Just when you want to give up, here he comes. Not in the capacity that I thought either. But here either way....and I'll take it!

Happy Birthday To Me....

Today is my birthday!! Yay!! Today at 7:35 am I turned 33 years old. I feel fantastic! A guy in my class today asked me how old I turned. Seriously, I hate this question. So instead of answer him I said....guess. He said, "I hope I don't offend you, Rachel...but 27-28??" I told him, "Cameron, if we weren't in a classroom full of people I'd totally make out with you right now!!" I'm glad that I still look younger then I am :)

Last year's birthday was rough. I was so focused on what I didn't have. This year I am honestly grateful that I have seen another year. I'm healthy, have friends who love me, have a wonderful family and have seen, even in this past month, change in myself that makes me smile. My dad called me to sing Happy Birthday and out of gratitude to Papa, I cried. It doesn't even hurt that my ex-husband isn't a part of my birthday anymore. He did email me last week to send me early birthday wishes, but I can remember when this day would roll around and I would just cry and cry and cry. Matt used to do my birthday up!! But today, I can honestly say that where I am, at this point in my life, I'm happy. Content. At peace, and grateful!

Thank you, Papa for keeping me safe these 33 years. Even from myself! Thank you for loving me, even after all the times I turned and walked away from You. Thank you for never leaving me despite all the times I told You, that You weren't enough for me. Thank you for keeping my mind safe. My heart is fragile and broken, but I even thank you for that. Because without the bad, I wouldn't really know what greatness is.

I'm excited to see what this new year brings me. Better yet, of what I will make of it. I'm more determined then ever to reach my goals.

To my girlfriends Sam and Janice.....I love you guys immensely! Thank you for allowing me to vent and for reminding me that it's OK to not settle. That it's OK to know what I want and know what are deal breakers, even if the guy seems to have it going on. I always look forward to my lunches with you guys and am grateful for your friendship :)

So, Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear me.....happy birthday to me!!!

Small Miracles.....

It's amazing to me how fast Papa opens doors. I was bummed cuz I've lost my work out partner this week. Then out of the blue my friend Charles asked me why I haven't been to his gym. I'm still hitting the gym but mostly doing cardio this week cuz I'm still new to weights. I told him the person I was working out with and I have conflicting schedules....no need to elaborate. He said....damn...that sucks! Then 4 hours later, out of the blue he texts me and says...hey, if you really wanna train and lose weight, I'll show you how. Charles definitely knows how to lift and lose weight. He looks fantastic after losing 60 pounds in one year without doing any kinda surgery! I'm really happy about that!!! Yay for me!!

Then I spend the night with Vernon and his family last night. His kids usually pick movies to watch, while their parents and I watch 24. Last night the kids picked This Is It....Michael Jackson's movie. Now, anybody that knows even a small thing about me knows I LOVE THIS MAN!!!! I was watching the movie and was enthralled with him. At one point, I actually started to cry, cuz I was so moved!! Lily, who is like my child, came over, draped herself over my back and whispered into my ear...I love you, Rachel and kissed my cheek! I moved her into my lap and just held her. I love how she lets me do that, even though she is 4 years old!! She is such a perceptive child. I can't wait to see what she is going to be when she grows up!! I had a point to this story...oh yeah...my math teacher recommended that us future teachers coach some kind of kids sports. It prepares us to handle different kinds of temperaments and situations. I had talked to my friend Mike, who coaches if I could help him or if he could send me in a direction that would allow me to be an assistant coach. He had said that he's getting his own team next year, so he will need help. Next school year is a long ways away and Mike and I are in a weird transition. I would love to think that come next school year we'll be ok enough to coach together. Again...I was kinda bummed about this situation. Then last night as Vernon and I were cooking, I casually mentioned that my teacher recommended coaching. Vernon told me he is starting a new league with the YMCA in March and was looking for an assistant coach who would be committed and reliable. So, he asked me!!! Then he said he would even let me do practices and coach games by myself...full immersion!!! YAY!!!! So in one short month, I will be coaching girls 5-6 grades in basketball. I'm super nervous but excited for this opportunity. This means I have to start hitting the gym and play some hoops. I haven't played in a few years....so I'm sure I'm kinda rusty! I want to coach like Mike Singletary. I really like how he works out with his team and can yell at the guys when they aren't committed cuz he is. No, I'm not gonna yell at my girls, but I will run with them, do suicides with them and drills. If I require much of them, then I have to be willing to give much of myself as well.

I totally needed these small miracles. To anyone else, this stuff wouldn't be a big deal, but to me they were. It was as if Papa was saying, Look babe, yes, I took something from you (in the form of a relationship) but I'm giving you something else that can be a little more fulfilling (at this point in my life). Not that a relationship isn't fulfilling but I need to focus on me :)

So, thank you Papa for throwing a sista these much needed bones!!!

Second Chances

I went out this weekend with a new friend that I made and we had a blast! It's so nice to find people who are just like you. Hopefully we can remain friends!!

I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life: After almost 2.5 years of always living with someone, I'm moving out on my own. That's right folks.....I'll be completely alone! Truth be told, I'm scared. I don't do alone very well. I'm so much of a people person....I love being around people. I love the crowds, the noise, hearing the laughter and the chaos. Sometimes though I enjoy being alone, but not for the most part. Only when I am going thru something huge do I retreat within myself. The last time I lived alone was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that was hard. There are aspects of living alone that are nice that I miss: getting up in the middle of the night to pee, naked :) not having to clean my house if I don't want to. Being able to decorate it how I want it, even if the decor is "dark". Being able to have anyone over I want. Blasting my music while I shower. But then there are aspects of being alone that I hate: being alone in the house. Coming home to an empty house....that has to be the worst. I grew up in a house full of people and I love nothing more then to open the door and hear people arguing, laughing, kids crying, dogs barking and smell the food cooking. To me, that is a peaceful environment!! Vernon and Jaymie have 4 kids. There is nothing better then when I open the door to go into their home and I hear the kids scream RACHEL!!!! Rachel's home!! No matter who many times I've heard it, when I hear it every Monday night it almost brings me to tears. I feel so absolutely loved. I long for the day when I'll hear "Mommy's home!" Or for the day I'll open the door to my home and I'll hear my husband say "Hi baby....welcome home!!" This new apartment will be a huge step for me. In the right direction. I'm sad that my mom isn't here to help me thru it though. When I got divorced I moved into my own place and talk about having to adjust!! Wow...when you spend almost 10 years with someone you don't know how to be alone. I had the worst insomnia I've ever had. The first 2 weeks of being alone, I slept only 20 hours. I would call my mom crying every night until at the end of the 2weeks she told me she couldn't stay up with me anymore......I needed to find a way to work out this problem alone. I did...and survived. This time is kinda like the same thing: I have always been around people that it will be a huge adjustment. Unlike last time, I'll do it all alone.

Part of the reason I'm getting my own place is because, as anyone knows, I want to be in a committed relationship. What do I have to offer the other person, besides myself? As of now....nothing. That's unacceptable. How can someone be with me, while I live with roommates? Not even sharing a place together, but renting a room? What am I showing that other person? That I'm not good with money? That I'm not responsible? That I don't know how to be alone? I am responsible and pretty ok with money, so that's not the problem, but that's what people automatically assume. I don't want to give that impression anymore. Will I need to adjust my lifestyle? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Will the rewards be worth it...of saying I have my OWN place? Yes.

Here is the other reason I am embarking on this journey: I need to be alone. Does that sound conflicting? Yes. Am I conflicted about it? Hell yes. I broke up with Nik some time ago and I haven't been single for long. I need to be single and alone to really know myself. I know what I want, but when it's in front of me, I don't want it. Why? I have so many walls up, that have caused me to miss out on good relationships. Take this last one: yes, it was brief. Many of my friends didn't even know I was kinda getting to know someone. But he was a great man. Had a lot of the qualities I want in someone, but my damn barrier was so around my heart, that not once did he really SEE me. Me...the Rae that all my friends love. The girl who will give her heart and soul to people. I need to let those walls come crumbling down, but I don't know how. The concrete solid wall has once again come between something that could have been great. I want more then anything, for someone to see me. Maybe being alone in my new place, I can do some self reflecting......but I'm still confused on how to let the walls go. I protect myself so much because I'm so tired of being hurt. Of giving and not getting back. But at the same time I'm tired of being lonely.

I am grateful for my friends that I have, who remind me that I am destined for great things in life. That great things are just around the corner for me.....to just be patient. That when my someone comes along, that I'll be completely overjoyed.

I'm grateful for the second chance of living alone. Does that sound crazy?? Hopefully this time around I'll get it right :)