Imprinting....

I feel fantastic today!! I went home and after helping a neighbor out I couched it, watching a super depressing mini-series on HBO. Around 8:30 or so I finally got off the couch, ate something and attempted to do some homework. I'm usually really proactive so my being lazy kinda freaked me out. My good buddy, Long Island came over and we watched an episode of Firefly (I'm a geek..so what). We could only watch one though cuz I lost my stupid DVD remote control. I can't find that damn thing!!! After he left, I passed out on the couch and woke up in a great mood today. I'm pretty sure I needed sleep.

So I love having conversations with Long Island...well until he mocks me. Our conversation today revolves around imprinting. No, we aren't talking about Twilight imprinting although I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the movies/books. Sometimes in life something so profound happens that shakes you to your very core and makes you question every blessed thing about yourself. Imprinting: To produce a mark on (a surface) by pressure. He was shaken after a break up. I was shaken after my divorce, but those situations were able to have us hold mirrors in front of our faces to see what went wrong. What can I do to better myself? Where did I fail? How do I fix it? I don't now about Long Island but I'm grateful, in a weird way, for my situation. It has made me a better person. I know if I'm ever ready for marriage again, I'll be a good wife because I will know what went wrong and will be more proactive with any red flags I see. Matthew Sean will forever be imprinted on my heart. That's something that doesn't go away. Maybe in time it will...who knows.

Another situation that was imprinted in me was the passing of my mom. It made me evaluate my relationships with everyone around me. Do I value my time with them? Do they all know how much I love them? Do I make them feel special?

As painful as some situations can be, due to them piercing your very heart, they are also beautiful because they are making us grow as people. The intensity of physical, emotional or psychological pain makes us more receptive or alert to beauty. This is why after a hard relationship we can be grateful for the great one that comes next. Or why, after burying your mother, are you soaking up every moment you can with your father.

It's only on days like today, that we can look back with honesty and say...HOLY HELL THAT HURT...but you know what? I'm OK. It's exciting to look back to see growth and healing. These days may not occur very often but when they are here I grab onto them with both hands and hold them close to me, to carry me through future days of imprinting.

Try To Stay Sober Feels Like I'm Dying.....

Today is a pretty day and but I'm not in a pretty mood. I'm sure it's because I'm tired emotionally and physically. I could have slept til noon today!! I think I need to pound the pavement today and get this blah out.

Other than that I've got about 3 weeks left of school! It's a complete Yay but NO moment. Yay cuz I'm one semester closer to graduating but NO cuz I'm gonna be so bored this summer. Maybe I'll just take one class and see how that goes. I def don't want a Saturday class. I want to have my Saturday's to myself for the summer so I can do fun things and get out to know Colorado better. Aaah hell. I think I just figured out what part of my funk could be. I just looked at a calendar and mother's day is coming up. Fantastic.

I'll be OK...just gotta shake the blues with some great music. See...I'm feeling better now....Fine Again by Seether just came on.

Gotta go to rock out....

Oh Shit. I'm Finally Ready......

To all my friends reading this: SIT DOWN. Seriously. I don't want to be responsible for you hurting yourself. Especially you, OC.

Ok, so I come from a pretty big family. I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers, with my brothers being at the beginning and end of the chain. My older brother who I actually call "Brother" is married with 4 kids. Chapay is next and only has one. Then follows Izma with 3. I'm not done yet. Then there's Katinka with her 2. Then Satsuke has her one that she just had 4 months ago. Pinky BETTER not be knocked up and my baby brother Kiss (we named him that cuz as a little boy he'd walk around and want to kiss EVERYONE!) has none cuz he's only 17. So, everyone of childbearing age that is married has children. Yes, all of my siblings are married and there are no baby's daddy's or baby momma's. With that being said, I've always feared having kids. What if something I say screws them up? Or something I do? Or I just turn out to not be a good mommy? Most of my friends say I'd be a terrific mom, but it really boils down to what I think. Will I be a good mom? I think so. Maybe. Hopefully.

Even when I was married I wasn't ready to have kids. I think a lot of that had to do with sharing Matt. I didn't want to do that cuz I wanted him all to myself and I wasn't ready for our married life to change, yet. I admit being selfish in that regard and again, the fear of being a bad mom kept me from having babies.

I take care of most people around me. It's a disease I have that I can't seem to get rid of. I call it the "older child" syndrome. Us older children learned how to not only take care of ourselves but we also learned how to take care of the siblings under us, thus learning how to care for everyone around you. Sometimes it's a good thing to have and at other times, It's a downright curse. I woke up this morning thinking: Ok, I'm ready. Ready for what you ask?? Well, let me tell you. I'm ready for a baby. I know, I know!! What tha?!?!? As I was trying to help some friends thru a situation I thought, well damn...I take care of everyone around me, so why can't I take care of a baby?? MY baby? I couldn't come up with one excuse. Well, that's a lie. I did, but I had an answer for every excuse. oh man. I'm ready for a baby.

Now here's the funny part. I have no one to have a baby with. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! How's THAT for irony??? Matt begged and begged me for a child and I wasn't ready. Now that I am, he's not around. I feel like Alanis Morissette right now. So I'm not gonna panic yet. I'm just gonna get myself ready to incubate a child. This includes taking prenatal's, exercising, stopping caffeine AND drinking. Wait. Am I THAT ready?!?!? No more java in the am OR Daddy Grey Goose?? Eeek. Hmmmmm....Maybe I'll just take it one day at a time and get used to the idea that I want a wee one. Great. Now that I want one I probably waited way too long and my damn ovaries are nothing but dust. (sigh)

Well, there it is. The Big News.

Wing Tuesday

I'm in a good mood today. I totally shouldn't be though cuz my head is effen KILLING me. I carry all my stress in my shoulders so I tend to get tension headaches a lot. But, other then my head/shoulders hurting, I'm in a great mood. I went home last night,cleaned my place, did my laundry and a lil homework. You can tell how I'm doing in life by the condition my apartment is in. Sad, but true. Messy apt= messy life. Clean apt= relatively clean life.

My tattoo is healing really well and is starting to peel now. I was a little freaked out by that cuz it's scary to watch the ink leave your body. I don't want to have to have it touched-up, but if I absolutely have too, then I will. I'll be excited to be able to wear a bra too! Right now I can't cuz the tatt is right on my bra line and I'm NOT messing it up. And I can't wait to run!! It's getting nicer and nicer outside and running keeps calling me.

I have a pretty busy week and am grateful for that. I hate being bored or staying in the damn house all the time. I don't understand people who do that: sit at home on the couch all day/evening. I did that this weekend but that was cuz I was letting my tattoo heal. Other than that, I'm always out of my house, in the sun, while enjoying the company of friends.

I have class tonight and I'm excited for that. Weird, huh? AND it's my math class. It's amazing how one teacher can make all the difference in the world. I've only missed 2 classes this semester but last semester I missed a ton cuz I didn't care for the teaching style of my teacher. Dr. C is a great teacher who will let us ask as many questions as we need to and won't make us feel dumb. It helps that I'm tutoring....oh...can you believe that? I'm tutoring. In Math. Wow. Miracles never cease!

Today I get to hang with my boy Nigeria and we're going to go have wings. Mmmmmmm....wings.

Pain Therapy

Soooo, I went and did it. I got my PAIN/LOVE ambigram tattoo on Friday night. Friday was pretty rough for me so it was necessary for me to feel pain. I know, I know that sounds bad. Don't judge me. Some people eat chocolate to make themselves feel better, others need to cry, while I need to feel physical pain. Everyone is different, right?

So I go to my tatt artist who thinks I'm completely crazy and asked him to tatt me up. After telling me the ribs are one of the most painful spots on our bodies he agreed to do it, since I wanted it. This was my first huge piece. I have one small one on each of my wrists and then a small one on my right hip. Go big or go home, right? So after 2 hours of squeezing the shit out of Sweets S's hand, swearing in Spanish, moaning, praying and yes, even some laughter, my tattoo was done. During the most painful parts I kept reminding myself why I was doing this. I mentally spoke quite a bit to my mom and that seemed to get me through. My heart is tattooed as is now, my body. Did this therapy session help me? I think so. At least for now it did.

Love/Pain. Pain/Love. Is there a difference?

The Bane of My Existence.....

Happy Friday!!!!! Or is it?!?!?

There was some traffic coming into work and I glanced ahead of my car wondering what the hold up was when I saw someone dressed in their uniform. His back was to me so at first I couldn't really tell who it was, but so what...it was a simple hotel employee. Until...he started to walk. I'd recognize that walk anywhere. And those broad shoulders. Along with the brown curly hair that pokes out from the hat. My heart kinda skipped a beat and I immediately started trying to find my escape route. The right lane had traffic that wouldn't let me over...bastards. Then this guy started to walk towards my car. When we locked eyes, he stopped and just stared at me and then waved, while smiling. Shit. Shit. Shit. Great. Wonderful. I smiled back at him and waved hi. He then got distracted and turned around. Luckily there was a break in traffic in the right lane, so I took it and boned out. As I looked in my rear-view mirror I watched him watching me drive away. He stood in that place for a couple seconds, then dropped his head and looked at the ground. When I saw him do that, I felt kinda bad that I took the cowards way out by running away, so I thought about going around the block to talk to him. Was I strong enough for that? I didn't know but I was gonna try it until the damn song we danced to as husband and wife at our wedding reception came on. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Wow. Talk about a slice to the heart. Like I've said earlier...I'm getting better. I can now, 4 years later, listen to this song and not so completely fall apart. I'm getting better but I'm still not fully healed. Will I ever be? I don't know. How do you stop loving the person you loved with your entire existence? Again, I don't know, but I hope that I will. I can say that I will always love Matthew. Always. Which is completely annoying.

My friends got a puppy and they named him Onyx. Ok, Jesus. What are you trying to tell me? To anyone that name wouldn't be such a big deal but to me it's huge. My dog with Matt was named Aunix. Onyx looks exactly like my Aunix. They could pass as brother and sister. When I went over to their house yesterday, I saw this puppy and he saw me. I just kinda sat on the floor and let him come to me. He cautiously came over and he did the strangest thing: he just stared at me in the eyes for 10 full seconds, then climbed into my lap and placed his head on my shoulder. Aunix used to do that to me. I just hugged boy Onxy and tried really, really, really hard not to cry. It's as if I'm reliving my life with Matt in so many ways. Every time I say Onyx I think of my sweet baby girl, who I miss so much and think of her all the time. I wish I could go to my evil MIL's house and take back my baby, but it would be cruel. To MIL, Aunix and Fluffy, the other dog.

I want a puppy so badly but I feel as if I'm cheating on Aunix. I've only had to give away 2 dogs in my life and that pain is horrible as well. Aunix was the worst cuz she was there with me during my divorce. She would sit in my lap and lick every single tear that fell. She would put her head on my shoulder and whimper in my ear asking, what is wrong, mama?? She would let me just hold her as sobs racked my body and I couldn't understand what was going on with my life. She was my rock.

I'm going to get a new tattoo that's an ambigram: Love is Pain/Pain is Love. No 3 words have ever been so true. The only friend I have who understands that is Tennessee. Girl, I love you more than you know.

Happy Friday, peeps.

What Tha?!?!

So I had written this really long pensive blog in which I word vomited but when I went to post it, it was all gone. Shit!

I was gonna get super irritated until I saw that Biker Jim's has the mac n cheese brat today and so now I'm ok :)

If your on a "my life sucks, I hate my job, I'm sick of making my boss richer, I'm too fat, my love life sucks" kick today, go to CNN and read the news: Jerusalem was bombed. The jobless are losing their benefits. The Libyans are fighting for their lives. The Japanese are facing radiation, homelessness and starvation.

Still think your life sucks? Ok. Change it.

I'd love to stay and chat, however I have a mac n cheese hot dog to eat but before I eat it, I'm going to say a heartfelt prayer of thanks for the life I have, ask for forgivenss over the opportunities I was given but squandered but most of all to have the gumption to take full advantage of the endless possibilities that still lie before me.