Friends....

I love people. Not just anybody...well, that's a lie. I like most people, but I love the people that understand me. Who know, that at one moment I want one thing, but the very next moment I loathe the very thing I wanted. Am I bi-polar?? LOL!! Maybe. I prefer the word self-preservant. I got to talk to a girlfriend that has known me since I was 5 years old. I can honestly say, besides my family she is my oldest friend. It was fantastic to talk to her and reminisce of home.

I also got an early morning wake up call from an old friend from college. 4am early. The only thing she wanted was to tell me that she loved and missed me. At 4am. Let me write that one more time: 4 in the freakin morning!!! No, I didn't swear that badly at her, but when I found out she was OK, I told her I was hanging up the phone now and would call her back at a respectable hour.

I had drinks with my friend Kiko yesterday. I laughed so hard I snorted. It was sooo exactly what I needed.

At first, I'm not gonna lie, I was super irritated that I was woken from my sleep cuz I don't sleep well, just for my girlfriend to tell me she loved me. As I lay there trying to fall back asleep, I had to smile and thank God for that phone call. Not everyone is as lucky to have friends like that. Who aren't afraid to tell you how they feel. Time can pass between us but the fact doesn't change that there is still love there. We don't have to talk everyday for us to know we care about each other, nor do we have to hang out all the blessed time!! As long as we can steal a few moments, that's all the fuel our friendship needs to keep going strong. I'm not pulled into 5 milion directions. What I can give them is more than enough. As I reflect back on this weekend, I'm thinking all this was divine intervention for the phone call I have to have later tonight. I'm not sure how it's going to end. I'm not sure if I'm going to hear that I'm a shitty friend and how disappointing I can be or that I'm not meeting all the expectations that were set for me. If I do hear that, I'm sure it will hurt but I can also reflect on the weekend that I've had which filled my heart with love....

Music of the Day

Episode 18 Vocal Trance Podcast

I love trance with all my heart. Thought I'd share this with you!

No Rescuer....

As I said yesterday, I am embarking on a journey to figure out WHY i fix people in my life up. More specifically, why I get into relationships with men who need fixing up. I'm reading a book called Let Go by Sheila Walsh. She made a powerful point to me last night: "I never wanted to be rescued. At least that's what I told myself. I wanted to be the one doing the rescuing. I know now life had taught me to not look for a rescuer-no one was coming, so I'd better take care of myself." Wow. I can relate so much to this, although I DID want to be rescued. I didn't have the normal childhood. There were a lot of crazy circumstances and therefore tough situations that I had to endure, and some were more than I thought I could endure. I begged anyone who would listen to me for help, but no one came. NO ONE. I lost faith in humanity at such a young age. Not so much humanity, but for my friends and some family. I think that's why I didn't fear strangers as a child. My dad would tell me he had to be so careful because I would walk away and talk to just anyone. In my little mind, there wasn't anything a stranger could do to me that could hurt me more than family had or did. I learned to fantasize as a young child that my rescuer would come and take me out of the shitty situation I was in. I learned early on that the only person I could trust or lean on was myself. I think maybe with is why I attract fixer-uppers. Maybe I see the pain in them that I understand so well. Maybe I don't want them to suffer alone. I think a part of this is control. I am a control FREAK, but it's because I was let down. Me being able to help someone is being in control of that relationship and therefore doesn't require me to be vulnerable. It requires me to be the stronger person and I know I can do that roll.

I don't know if I've nailed everything on the head....but I'm starting to get more insight.....

Take My World Apart....

I've known that I'm a "fixer" but my friends are starting to notice it too. So, my friend Kizzle and I are going to hold that mirror up in front of our faces to see WHY we do the things we do in relationships. WHY am I a fixer? I know that this might be a painful experience, but I want to know. I need to know. This behavior needs to change in order for me to be in a meaningful, loving, give and take relationship. I've asked Papa to show me. As I write, my heart is pounding becuase I'm fearing what I'll be shown. But I also know that Papa will be gentle and I already know that He loves me immensely.

So my blogging the next few days will reflect on this journey.

In the meantime, this is my prayer to Papa: Take My World Apart by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart



I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart.

To all of my fellow believers: Pray for me. Pray that my heart will be open to my short-comings and that I won't wall up.

Love is a Verb that Requires Action.....

Wow....it's been a while since I've blogged. I suck! LOL! I'm smiling as I write this blog. I'm listening to Kirk Franklin sing about his love for his Savior. If you haven't read Kirk's testimony, you totally should. It's amazing! I'm on this journey...a 20 day Journey of Thanks. I'm not allowed to complain (as much) during these next 20 days. Even when school becomes overwhelming, I have to stop and think that there are many peeps out there that would love the opportunity to even go to school! Ya know??

Please forgive me while I preach, but there is so much on my mind lately. Buckle your seatbelts cuz it's gonna be a bumpy, blunt ride!!

I'm divorced. And while that was one of my hardest journeys up to this point in my life, I would get re-married in a heartbeat. I loved being married. I loved belonging to someone and having someone belong to me. Where there ups and downs?? Oh man! There would be days I would look at my husband and think...."How did I get sooo lucky?!" But then that VERY night, watch him while he would be sleeping and think..."Could I really do 5-10 for murder?" But as dawn came and I woke up next to him, I would think..."Thank you God for giving me my husband" even though hours earlier I wanted to send him to Jesus! This right here folks, is what REAL marriage and love is. Love is a verb. It's an action. You have to actively give and recieve love, and not passively wait for love to somehow magically happen! Peopel who think that love or relationships don't take hard work have been so mentally and emotionally messed up by Disney and Hollywood!! I'm amazed how people can naively go into any kind of relationship, whether it be with your family, friends, neighbors, your job or with a lover and think that you aren't gonna have high highs and low lows! In this day and age, divorce rates are so high, but despite that I still believe in the union of a marriage. Am I naive? Maybe....but I'm a realist too. I will never go into a relationship not understanding that it will require me to give my entire all to the other person. Being divorced casts a whole new light on relationships. I've been to scared to give myself completely to another person, because there was a point in my life where I prayed for God to take me to Heaven with Him because I was in so much emotional pain. I couldn't imagine living my life without Matt. But guess what? I am! I'm happy! I'm free from the emotional pain I was in just 3 years ago. Do I miss him? Sometimes I think I miss the aspect of being with him, versus the actual desire to be with him. Make sense? I miss coming home to someone, not necessarily Matthew. I'm letting go of what/who I was in that marriage and look forward to the day I take vows again. Will it be in a year? 2? 3? 10? I don't have a clue, but I'm excited for my journey of how I will get there. I was joking with my friend Kizzle a few days ago and said I wanted to have a letter from above describing my life out for me. Do I really want that? On my lazy days! On the days when the work seems just to hard and I'm doubting whether or not it's really worth it. But on days like today, when I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and put some elbow grease into it, I'm excited for that journey.

Look...life isn't easy. It isn't fair. Shit happens. Even to God's children. But we always have a better hope for tomorrow. Always! I firmly believe something good always comes from something bad. It's the bad things in life that give us character. If we didn't have valleys, how can we learn to appreciate the mountain tops? Does it mean that just because I'm Rae that I get to coast thru life? Mangos!!! That's the naivest thinking one can have! I'm casting all my fears on Him...I'm letting God have them. The fear of being hurt. Gone. The fear of being alone. Gone. The fear of never being loved again. Gone. The hurt of being abused. Gone. The fear of the enemy. Gone. The fear of never finishing school. Gone. Every mistake. Gone. Depression. Gone. All my scars...all my pain. It's in the past and it's yesterday. Does this mean that I will never think on any of these fears again? NO! It simply means that when they come, I will give them back up to God and say, Please Papa...you handle this! Those fears will come and go all the time, because they will constantly be used against me to hinder me from seeing or reaching my TRUE potential. If I have the fear of being hurt, I will miss out on the opportunity of marriage because I will not open myself up to someone. I won't give that person the opportunity to love me like I deserve and want to be loved. That fear has already caused me to fail. I'm learning how to trust Papa fully. Now listen closely: I am still going to sin. There will be days when I want to close myself off and remind myself of all the mistakes I've done in my life. BUT...I am making a conscience that once I think of them, I will make myself stop and remind myself that's in my past. I'm sure there will be days I will have to re-read this post just as a nut-checker. On the days that I find myself sad over a break-up, I have to make a conscience decision to think STOP! Think of tomorrow! If we keep looking back, we will miss what's right in front of us! No more missing out for me. No more living in regret. No more thinking "What if", or "if only". No more the grass is greener on the other side, because what happens when you jump the fence, leave your own yard, and find out that nice, lucious, inviting grass is really....ASTRO-TURF!! Oops!

Now...let's talk about the elusive "One". I'll be as polite as possible: IT DOESN'T FUKIN EXIST!!!!! Hello people! Everytime I hear someone say that I just wanna shake them until I can hear their brain rattle! Our parents, Disney, Hollywood...they all lied to us. There is not a "One". I remember when I asked my mom this she laughed and said "oh Rachel." She told me that because I'm such a personable person, there would be many "Ones" for me. I would just have to figure out which one I am best suited with. Who was the person who I could enjoy the "mundane" moments of life with? Who could I just sit on the couch with and be happy that I'm watching TV? Who could I go on a walk with and be happy in that moment? Who is the person who makes me strive to be a better person? Who is the person that I help be a better person? THIS is the "one" for me. Does that mean we aren't gonna fight? Um...NO! Does this mean that we aren't gonna have to work for the relationship to work? No! Does it mean that on the rough days I won't think: What the HELL was I THINKING in being with this person?! No! Everyone has those thoughts and if you say you don't your lying out your ass. That's right. Ama call you out. This simply means you're human. Everyone is tempted. It's what you do with those thoughts and temptations that count.

(Sigh) I'll get off my soap-box now. I just want everyone to take off their rose colored glasses and see life for what it is: A hard journey that's so worth taking.

I am His....

I thought I would feel worse then I actually do this morning. No...I'm not in the depths of despair, but I'm not exactly skipping either. I'm in the middle. Neither happy nor sad....just kinda here.

I helped a gf move last night and that went relatively well. We're almost done, with just a couple more loads tonight. I was home by 9:30ish and made myself sleep. My mind kept running and I had to force myself to quiet it down. Ssshhhhh....you're making me hurt, brain. So Sshhhhh....go mimi's. And I did. I woke up around midnight and felt kinda alone, so I text my gf Cheryl who I know is up all hours of the night. Turns out that she had just woke up too, so we talked until 2am and around then I fell back asleep. When my alarm went off, I sat up waiting for it: The depression. As I wiped my eyes, I waited. Hmmmm...nothing....weird. "Oh wait" I thought, it will hit me in the shower. That's my favorite place to cry. I'm big on visuals so when I cry in there, I imagine the water taking my tears away from me and down to the deep ocean. I showered and waited....nothing....weird. So I got dressed and got into the car. While in the car a song I like came on...and I actually smiled. Weird.

I'm really not sure why I feel OK rather then feeling like death walking, but I'll take it. Maybe it's because I'm really trying to focus on what I have, rather then what I don't have. I no longer want to allow others to dictate how I feel. That's ridic. I read a great quote today: "Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another and how much you blame them, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty when blaming them, but you wont succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." I'm really going to try to focus on me and figure out just what is making me feel unhappy and unsatisfied, instead of trying to blame others. Well, Mike doesn't spend time with me. Cheryl isn't listening to me....etc. What am I doing?? It's always easier to blame others for our unhappiness, instead of holding up the mirror, isn't it? I'm going to hold up the mirror and face myself head on. I may not like what I see. Actually....I know I won't like what I see. But I know that Papa loves me immensly. He looks at me and says...That crazy Rachel is MINE. And for the time being, that's enough......

So, in the spirit of focusing on what I have: here it goes....I'm healthy. I have a fantastic job and friends that are beyond awesome. I got a text from my best friend Muzaff last night while I was helping Ky move that simply said 3 words: "I love you". I cried, because it was exactly what I needed to hear. I texted him back...."Jerk. That made me cry!" He replied: "I just wanted you to remember that." I'm thankful for my friends. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. It may not be mignon but I'll take it. I'm mentally sound. Now, there are people that may try to dispute this, but it's fact: I'm sane!!!! LOL!! wow...I actually laughed. Weird. I am going back to school in the fall and that's getting me closer to my dream of teaching. I have a family that loves me to death. I have 5 sisters and we have a safe word that when we text each other this word, all the world falls away and we belong to only each other for as long as we need it. More importantly I can honestly say: I AM HIS. With my heart and soul I believe this. Even if others around me don't see my worth, He does. Even if no one else understands that I am a Treasure, He does. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm trying to wrap my head around that kinda love. It boggles my wee brain to the point of insanity sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to let this Love be enough. I'm trying to find the faith to step outta my boat to the crashing waves......

The God Side.....

Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I wanna kick my own ass. (Sigh) Let me start at the beginning.

I'm a preachers kid. I grew up in the church, was raised in it...immersed in it. I was taught forgiveness. I was taught that people aren't perfect and they will hurt you. So you have to forgive. I feel like I do a pretty OK job of that. I've forgiven people that don't deserve my forgiveness. But, as I was also taught, I don't deserve God's forgiveness either so who am I to judge or not forgive people? This is the dilemma I constantly go through. CONSTANTLY. Someone hurts me....I forgive and move on. Then, that same person hurts me again....I forgive and we move on. At what point am I allowed to move that person out of my life? The moment I think that, the small voice says to me...God doesn't cut you outta His life and you hurt Him all the time. So I feel bad for wanting to be rid of that person and so I forgive and we move on. On to the same cycle of me being someones punching bag. Verbally. I have pretty thick skin. I had to learn as a child to put up a wall to protect myself. It was necessary for survival. So I'm really good at it now. So when these people hurt me, a wall goes up and I'm not as hurt as I could have been.

As I sit here I wonder what is it about me that screams "Please use me as your punching bag." Why do I attract people who are so sick? People who need to dump on me to feel better? Why do I get that? I give all that I have, all that I am to people, but what am I getting in return? I hate myself. I hate how people make me feel. I hate how weak I am when it comes to humanity. I try so hard to look at the good in people. At people that no one else can see ANY kind of good in. But it's these same people who hurt me badly.

I cut someone out of my life last night. He and I were good friends but I can no longer take being his punching bag. I don't know how to feel about that. I have so many mixed emotions. On one side, I'm glad that he can't ever hurt me again. Then there's the other side. The God Side. UGH! I'm constantly at war with God. I don't understand what he wants from me. I'm lying. I do know what he wants and I can't give him that. Yes, he has my heart, but I want control of my life. I'm scared to not have control. I'm a complete control FREAK. I relied on people when I was younger and those people hurt me to the point of it made me who I am today. I know God had nothing to do with that hurt. People are given the beautiful choice of Free-Will. With Free-Will comes choices and consequences. I prayed for God to step in soooo many times. He didn't. He couldn't. Isn't God All-Mighty? Yes, he is, but because we are given free will, he can't step in. At that point, free will would be taken from us. Instead he sent people to me who were supposed to help me, but ended up hurting me more. Because of this free will, I hold onto control so badly. I don't know how to give it up. And that's what God wants: Complete control of my life. So we are constantly at odds. He keeps calling and I keep ignoring. Not completely ignoring, but just saying I can't Papa. With trusting Him comes pain. Is that biblically sound doctrine? No. I'm sure it isn't. But that's how I view giving up control.

As I write this, I know how stupid I sound. God paid a hefty price for my life. The death of his Only son. All I have to give up is control. How stupid, right?
How do I look at the face of Jesus and say to him, I know u gave your life, but I couldn't give control?? Thus the self loathing all over again. And "The War" continues. It's not like God isn't in my life. Everything I do, I constantly think of Him. "Oh snap....he's not gonna like that!" "God, are you proud?" "Do you still love me, even after I did....." "HOW could you love me after I did....??"

I know God will win this war. He won't quit until he does, because him having control of my life is only for my good. I know this. But I also know that there will be pain and I'm a coward for 2 reasons: I hate being hurt and I don't want the responsibility that comes with God having control. I've realized that I have a certain influence over people. I don't want that.....At all, because with responsibility comes answering for people. I only want to answer for myself.

My head hurts with all of this. I'm going to do what I do best: run. Run until I drop from exhaustion. Run until the noise in my head abates to the point where it's just a dull noise, rather then the screaming it is now......