I thought I would feel worse then I actually do this morning. No...I'm not in the depths of despair, but I'm not exactly skipping either. I'm in the middle. Neither happy nor sad....just kinda here.
I helped a gf move last night and that went relatively well. We're almost done, with just a couple more loads tonight. I was home by 9:30ish and made myself sleep. My mind kept running and I had to force myself to quiet it down. Ssshhhhh....you're making me hurt, brain. So Sshhhhh....go mimi's. And I did. I woke up around midnight and felt kinda alone, so I text my gf Cheryl who I know is up all hours of the night. Turns out that she had just woke up too, so we talked until 2am and around then I fell back asleep. When my alarm went off, I sat up waiting for it: The depression. As I wiped my eyes, I waited. Hmmmm...nothing....weird. "Oh wait" I thought, it will hit me in the shower. That's my favorite place to cry. I'm big on visuals so when I cry in there, I imagine the water taking my tears away from me and down to the deep ocean. I showered and waited....nothing....weird. So I got dressed and got into the car. While in the car a song I like came on...and I actually smiled. Weird.
I'm really not sure why I feel OK rather then feeling like death walking, but I'll take it. Maybe it's because I'm really trying to focus on what I have, rather then what I don't have. I no longer want to allow others to dictate how I feel. That's ridic. I read a great quote today: "Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another and how much you blame them, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty when blaming them, but you wont succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." I'm really going to try to focus on me and figure out just what is making me feel unhappy and unsatisfied, instead of trying to blame others. Well, Mike doesn't spend time with me. Cheryl isn't listening to me....etc. What am I doing?? It's always easier to blame others for our unhappiness, instead of holding up the mirror, isn't it? I'm going to hold up the mirror and face myself head on. I may not like what I see. Actually....I know I won't like what I see. But I know that Papa loves me immensly. He looks at me and says...That crazy Rachel is MINE. And for the time being, that's enough......
So, in the spirit of focusing on what I have: here it goes....I'm healthy. I have a fantastic job and friends that are beyond awesome. I got a text from my best friend Muzaff last night while I was helping Ky move that simply said 3 words: "I love you". I cried, because it was exactly what I needed to hear. I texted him back...."Jerk. That made me cry!" He replied: "I just wanted you to remember that." I'm thankful for my friends. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. It may not be mignon but I'll take it. I'm mentally sound. Now, there are people that may try to dispute this, but it's fact: I'm sane!!!! LOL!! wow...I actually laughed. Weird. I am going back to school in the fall and that's getting me closer to my dream of teaching. I have a family that loves me to death. I have 5 sisters and we have a safe word that when we text each other this word, all the world falls away and we belong to only each other for as long as we need it. More importantly I can honestly say: I AM HIS. With my heart and soul I believe this. Even if others around me don't see my worth, He does. Even if no one else understands that I am a Treasure, He does. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm trying to wrap my head around that kinda love. It boggles my wee brain to the point of insanity sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to let this Love be enough. I'm trying to find the faith to step outta my boat to the crashing waves......
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The God Side.....
Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I wanna kick my own ass. (Sigh) Let me start at the beginning.
I'm a preachers kid. I grew up in the church, was raised in it...immersed in it. I was taught forgiveness. I was taught that people aren't perfect and they will hurt you. So you have to forgive. I feel like I do a pretty OK job of that. I've forgiven people that don't deserve my forgiveness. But, as I was also taught, I don't deserve God's forgiveness either so who am I to judge or not forgive people? This is the dilemma I constantly go through. CONSTANTLY. Someone hurts me....I forgive and move on. Then, that same person hurts me again....I forgive and we move on. At what point am I allowed to move that person out of my life? The moment I think that, the small voice says to me...God doesn't cut you outta His life and you hurt Him all the time. So I feel bad for wanting to be rid of that person and so I forgive and we move on. On to the same cycle of me being someones punching bag. Verbally. I have pretty thick skin. I had to learn as a child to put up a wall to protect myself. It was necessary for survival. So I'm really good at it now. So when these people hurt me, a wall goes up and I'm not as hurt as I could have been.
As I sit here I wonder what is it about me that screams "Please use me as your punching bag." Why do I attract people who are so sick? People who need to dump on me to feel better? Why do I get that? I give all that I have, all that I am to people, but what am I getting in return? I hate myself. I hate how people make me feel. I hate how weak I am when it comes to humanity. I try so hard to look at the good in people. At people that no one else can see ANY kind of good in. But it's these same people who hurt me badly.
I cut someone out of my life last night. He and I were good friends but I can no longer take being his punching bag. I don't know how to feel about that. I have so many mixed emotions. On one side, I'm glad that he can't ever hurt me again. Then there's the other side. The God Side. UGH! I'm constantly at war with God. I don't understand what he wants from me. I'm lying. I do know what he wants and I can't give him that. Yes, he has my heart, but I want control of my life. I'm scared to not have control. I'm a complete control FREAK. I relied on people when I was younger and those people hurt me to the point of it made me who I am today. I know God had nothing to do with that hurt. People are given the beautiful choice of Free-Will. With Free-Will comes choices and consequences. I prayed for God to step in soooo many times. He didn't. He couldn't. Isn't God All-Mighty? Yes, he is, but because we are given free will, he can't step in. At that point, free will would be taken from us. Instead he sent people to me who were supposed to help me, but ended up hurting me more. Because of this free will, I hold onto control so badly. I don't know how to give it up. And that's what God wants: Complete control of my life. So we are constantly at odds. He keeps calling and I keep ignoring. Not completely ignoring, but just saying I can't Papa. With trusting Him comes pain. Is that biblically sound doctrine? No. I'm sure it isn't. But that's how I view giving up control.
As I write this, I know how stupid I sound. God paid a hefty price for my life. The death of his Only son. All I have to give up is control. How stupid, right?
How do I look at the face of Jesus and say to him, I know u gave your life, but I couldn't give control?? Thus the self loathing all over again. And "The War" continues. It's not like God isn't in my life. Everything I do, I constantly think of Him. "Oh snap....he's not gonna like that!" "God, are you proud?" "Do you still love me, even after I did....." "HOW could you love me after I did....??"
I know God will win this war. He won't quit until he does, because him having control of my life is only for my good. I know this. But I also know that there will be pain and I'm a coward for 2 reasons: I hate being hurt and I don't want the responsibility that comes with God having control. I've realized that I have a certain influence over people. I don't want that.....At all, because with responsibility comes answering for people. I only want to answer for myself.
My head hurts with all of this. I'm going to do what I do best: run. Run until I drop from exhaustion. Run until the noise in my head abates to the point where it's just a dull noise, rather then the screaming it is now......
I'm a preachers kid. I grew up in the church, was raised in it...immersed in it. I was taught forgiveness. I was taught that people aren't perfect and they will hurt you. So you have to forgive. I feel like I do a pretty OK job of that. I've forgiven people that don't deserve my forgiveness. But, as I was also taught, I don't deserve God's forgiveness either so who am I to judge or not forgive people? This is the dilemma I constantly go through. CONSTANTLY. Someone hurts me....I forgive and move on. Then, that same person hurts me again....I forgive and we move on. At what point am I allowed to move that person out of my life? The moment I think that, the small voice says to me...God doesn't cut you outta His life and you hurt Him all the time. So I feel bad for wanting to be rid of that person and so I forgive and we move on. On to the same cycle of me being someones punching bag. Verbally. I have pretty thick skin. I had to learn as a child to put up a wall to protect myself. It was necessary for survival. So I'm really good at it now. So when these people hurt me, a wall goes up and I'm not as hurt as I could have been.
As I sit here I wonder what is it about me that screams "Please use me as your punching bag." Why do I attract people who are so sick? People who need to dump on me to feel better? Why do I get that? I give all that I have, all that I am to people, but what am I getting in return? I hate myself. I hate how people make me feel. I hate how weak I am when it comes to humanity. I try so hard to look at the good in people. At people that no one else can see ANY kind of good in. But it's these same people who hurt me badly.
I cut someone out of my life last night. He and I were good friends but I can no longer take being his punching bag. I don't know how to feel about that. I have so many mixed emotions. On one side, I'm glad that he can't ever hurt me again. Then there's the other side. The God Side. UGH! I'm constantly at war with God. I don't understand what he wants from me. I'm lying. I do know what he wants and I can't give him that. Yes, he has my heart, but I want control of my life. I'm scared to not have control. I'm a complete control FREAK. I relied on people when I was younger and those people hurt me to the point of it made me who I am today. I know God had nothing to do with that hurt. People are given the beautiful choice of Free-Will. With Free-Will comes choices and consequences. I prayed for God to step in soooo many times. He didn't. He couldn't. Isn't God All-Mighty? Yes, he is, but because we are given free will, he can't step in. At that point, free will would be taken from us. Instead he sent people to me who were supposed to help me, but ended up hurting me more. Because of this free will, I hold onto control so badly. I don't know how to give it up. And that's what God wants: Complete control of my life. So we are constantly at odds. He keeps calling and I keep ignoring. Not completely ignoring, but just saying I can't Papa. With trusting Him comes pain. Is that biblically sound doctrine? No. I'm sure it isn't. But that's how I view giving up control.
As I write this, I know how stupid I sound. God paid a hefty price for my life. The death of his Only son. All I have to give up is control. How stupid, right?
How do I look at the face of Jesus and say to him, I know u gave your life, but I couldn't give control?? Thus the self loathing all over again. And "The War" continues. It's not like God isn't in my life. Everything I do, I constantly think of Him. "Oh snap....he's not gonna like that!" "God, are you proud?" "Do you still love me, even after I did....." "HOW could you love me after I did....??"
I know God will win this war. He won't quit until he does, because him having control of my life is only for my good. I know this. But I also know that there will be pain and I'm a coward for 2 reasons: I hate being hurt and I don't want the responsibility that comes with God having control. I've realized that I have a certain influence over people. I don't want that.....At all, because with responsibility comes answering for people. I only want to answer for myself.
My head hurts with all of this. I'm going to do what I do best: run. Run until I drop from exhaustion. Run until the noise in my head abates to the point where it's just a dull noise, rather then the screaming it is now......
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Just. Breathe.
Where do you turn when the person u least thought would ever hurt you, does? You can't run to that person, cuz they are the cause of it. Yet you can't stay away from that person cuz they are important to you. Every time you look at them you are reminded of the hurt. How do you go on? Yes, you forgive, but how do you let them back in? Fully. Without reservation? Without the walls? The shitty thing is this person is soo happy you forgave them so they act like nothing happened. wow. Wish I had that kinda "bounce-back". When everything you do for them is for their good, but they have absolutely NO regard for how you would feel. I don't understand that kinda selfishness. Selfishness. One little word that fucks up people around the selfish person. We end up being COS.....casualties of selfishness. What a cunt selfishness is.
I'm in a funk. No...not a new one. Still the same funk that just kinda lingers around...kinda like a stinky fart that won't go away!! Today I almost got into my car and packed it with whatever I could fit and actually just drove away. I had even packed my shit in my office and was just gonna bounce. Not tell one single person but my dad where I was gonna be. The wound was that deep. The pain that intense that for a moment I couldn't breathe. I was at this place once....and it almost killed me...literally. I don't want that place again. Never. I'll pack my shit and go before I ever let someone hurt me that badly again.
I want freedom. I need freedom. I feel broken. No...that's not true. I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is worse then feeling broken, because at least with broken you feel some fuckin thing. I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just.....nothing. I was trying to pin-point where my funk started. And it was last year. I know where it started. I'm not sure how to fix it though. I haven't "eaten" in a long time. I'm running on the fumes of reserved energy. There are times during the day that I have little spurts of energy. Like when the sun is shining and I'm glad I have another day to live. Then my next thought is: fuk...another day. I want to move someplace where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Can I get that mulligan? Can I have that freedom again?
My gf asked me today: Rae, do you believe in soul mates? I had to honestly think about it. I think in the way she was speaking that no. There is no such thing as a soul mate as a spouse. We were lied to as children. We were told that there is that ONE special person. Bullshit. I'm really starting to believe that we aren't made for single relationships. It seems to not exist anymore. Cheryl said she wanted to believe that there was a person out there that when they met her they would have no temptation to cheat. That she would be all this person needed. I had to be real with her and tell her...yeah...that shit isn't gonna happen. I have the words Faith and Love tatt'd on my wrists. The 2 words that used to be sooo important to me. I'm losing faith in love....people....just in general. Muzaff told me Saturday that the sooner I woke up and realized that people are grimy, the better off I would be. Well, I think I've woken up and smelled the shit...and let me tell ya...it stinks!! My 2 new favorite words are Just. Breathe. If I focus on my breathing then I can't focus on anything else.
I'm looking into moving soon. School used to be what tied me down here. Now, I really don't give a shit. I can transfer my credits. I need something new. I need someone to come restore my faith. In people. In life. In love. Better yet...I'm going to unleash Lucie. That bitch is ruthless. She doesn't give a fuk about anyone but herself. Fuk people. Fuk love. "Just get mine" is her philosophy. People ARE grimy....even the people close to you. Shit...they're probably the grimiest...
I don't want any pity cuz my life really doesn't suk all that bad. Just parts of it do. I'm just being real about what is going on in my heart and head. I'm the bitch that tells it how it is. Who won't fuckin beat around the bush. Who's blunt and to the point. Don't wast my time. I won't waste urs........
Fuk Faith. Fuk Love. Just. Breathe.
Goodbye Rae. Hello Lucie.
I'm in a funk. No...not a new one. Still the same funk that just kinda lingers around...kinda like a stinky fart that won't go away!! Today I almost got into my car and packed it with whatever I could fit and actually just drove away. I had even packed my shit in my office and was just gonna bounce. Not tell one single person but my dad where I was gonna be. The wound was that deep. The pain that intense that for a moment I couldn't breathe. I was at this place once....and it almost killed me...literally. I don't want that place again. Never. I'll pack my shit and go before I ever let someone hurt me that badly again.
I want freedom. I need freedom. I feel broken. No...that's not true. I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is worse then feeling broken, because at least with broken you feel some fuckin thing. I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just.....nothing. I was trying to pin-point where my funk started. And it was last year. I know where it started. I'm not sure how to fix it though. I haven't "eaten" in a long time. I'm running on the fumes of reserved energy. There are times during the day that I have little spurts of energy. Like when the sun is shining and I'm glad I have another day to live. Then my next thought is: fuk...another day. I want to move someplace where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Can I get that mulligan? Can I have that freedom again?
My gf asked me today: Rae, do you believe in soul mates? I had to honestly think about it. I think in the way she was speaking that no. There is no such thing as a soul mate as a spouse. We were lied to as children. We were told that there is that ONE special person. Bullshit. I'm really starting to believe that we aren't made for single relationships. It seems to not exist anymore. Cheryl said she wanted to believe that there was a person out there that when they met her they would have no temptation to cheat. That she would be all this person needed. I had to be real with her and tell her...yeah...that shit isn't gonna happen. I have the words Faith and Love tatt'd on my wrists. The 2 words that used to be sooo important to me. I'm losing faith in love....people....just in general. Muzaff told me Saturday that the sooner I woke up and realized that people are grimy, the better off I would be. Well, I think I've woken up and smelled the shit...and let me tell ya...it stinks!! My 2 new favorite words are Just. Breathe. If I focus on my breathing then I can't focus on anything else.
I'm looking into moving soon. School used to be what tied me down here. Now, I really don't give a shit. I can transfer my credits. I need something new. I need someone to come restore my faith. In people. In life. In love. Better yet...I'm going to unleash Lucie. That bitch is ruthless. She doesn't give a fuk about anyone but herself. Fuk people. Fuk love. "Just get mine" is her philosophy. People ARE grimy....even the people close to you. Shit...they're probably the grimiest...
I don't want any pity cuz my life really doesn't suk all that bad. Just parts of it do. I'm just being real about what is going on in my heart and head. I'm the bitch that tells it how it is. Who won't fuckin beat around the bush. Who's blunt and to the point. Don't wast my time. I won't waste urs........
Fuk Faith. Fuk Love. Just. Breathe.
Goodbye Rae. Hello Lucie.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My Daddy is the single most important person in my life. I would die for that man. Without thinking twice or even batting an eye. I would give him my heart if he would take it. That man has literally been thru the bowels of hell for me, so there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. That being said, when he dies, I will too. When I was a little kid....I used to wish to be changed into a boy, on every single birthday. This was because my dad worked on a ranch and would always tell me the ranch wasn't a place for little girls...only little boys. I thought that if I wished on my birthday candles, that I would magically wake up as a boy!! LOL! Around 7 is when I started to understand that my dad was sick. His heart wasn't cooperating with him. He has what you call an enlarged heart. As of a couple of years ago, he only has inches left in his chest for his heart to grow, then he'll die of a massive heart-attack. Even just writing this freaks me out!! My daddy has been the only constant person in my life. No matter what I have done, how I have failed, or the amount of shit I have waded into, my dad has always been there. Always loving me...yes, he would get hella irritated with me at times, but I always knew that he loved me. ALWAYS.
He called me yesterday to tell me that he needs an angioplasty done. Is it something to freak out about? To most people: no. Someone told me...oh Rae...these are done all the time. Well guess what?? I only have one father and I want to make sure that he's OK. I actually NEED him to be ok. I can't even imagine my life without my dad. I honestly talk to him 3-4 times a day. Thinking of my dad not being here physically on earth with me makes me wanna puke. I know that he is getting older and his heart is getting more and more tired and that eventually one day he will die. But not before I do. Like I was saying, at 7 I realized my dad was sick. My birthday wishes changed to: "Dear God...please take me before you take my dad." This is how I honestly feel. The pain in my soul that would come of my dad dying would be way more then I could possibly bare. I would just lay down and die. I wouldn't have the will to live. My mom's death was pretty hard, and that's, that I wasn't as close to her as I am to my father. My dad and I can talk about anything. Who I'm dating, where I'm going.....anything.
His surgery is next week and I'm going to be a mess this entire week. I want to pack my shit and go home. I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. Just fuckin BLAH. Not caring about anything. Just kinda here. And then this got thrown into my lap. I was telling a girlfriend last night that I feel like something very bad is about to happen. I don't know when, what or what will happen, but it's almost as if I'm being prepared. Like I'm on auto-pilot just cruising thru the motions.....so that in case this big shit happens I don't completely shut down. It better not be about my dad. I'll go ape shit.....No....I won't go ape shit....I'll just cease to exist.......
He called me yesterday to tell me that he needs an angioplasty done. Is it something to freak out about? To most people: no. Someone told me...oh Rae...these are done all the time. Well guess what?? I only have one father and I want to make sure that he's OK. I actually NEED him to be ok. I can't even imagine my life without my dad. I honestly talk to him 3-4 times a day. Thinking of my dad not being here physically on earth with me makes me wanna puke. I know that he is getting older and his heart is getting more and more tired and that eventually one day he will die. But not before I do. Like I was saying, at 7 I realized my dad was sick. My birthday wishes changed to: "Dear God...please take me before you take my dad." This is how I honestly feel. The pain in my soul that would come of my dad dying would be way more then I could possibly bare. I would just lay down and die. I wouldn't have the will to live. My mom's death was pretty hard, and that's, that I wasn't as close to her as I am to my father. My dad and I can talk about anything. Who I'm dating, where I'm going.....anything.
His surgery is next week and I'm going to be a mess this entire week. I want to pack my shit and go home. I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. Just fuckin BLAH. Not caring about anything. Just kinda here. And then this got thrown into my lap. I was telling a girlfriend last night that I feel like something very bad is about to happen. I don't know when, what or what will happen, but it's almost as if I'm being prepared. Like I'm on auto-pilot just cruising thru the motions.....so that in case this big shit happens I don't completely shut down. It better not be about my dad. I'll go ape shit.....No....I won't go ape shit....I'll just cease to exist.......
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Done!
OK....so I'm done playing games. DONE. I'm so tired of feeling beat down. I'm tired of all the shit that's been dumped on me....it's not even MY shit! Forgive me so I can forget you. It's Rae time now. I'm determined to get back on the grind called life. I'm coming out swinging, baby. Either you're on this train headed in the right direction or you better tuck and roll. I'm done carrying dead weight. You've never been anywhere but here...wanting nothing but to stay the same. I don't want to stay the same....I embrace change. I WILL not let my dreams die. I WILL not let my soul die. I WILL not accept defeat.....
Friday, April 9, 2010
Mi Media Naranja
So...I have found him.....FINALLY!! JoN!!! To those of you who don't know what that means, no...his name isn't Jon. I'm not gonna name him. That's private shit. But I have finally found the other half to my soul. The One who looks deep into my eyes and I can feel him touching my soul. He doesn't even flinch when he see darkness there. He simply accepts me for me. I've never been so close to someone...that when we're apart if physically hurts. No one on this earth knows me as well as he does. I NEED him. Like the air I breathe....like the food that nourishes my body. This is how he is to me. When we aren't together we are constantly in contact. Be it IM, text, email, phone or just in each others minds. I can feel him...constantly with me. Just as I am constantly with him. To other people this shit might sound weird. To you I say: How sad for you to not ever experience closeness with someone like this. I don't mean close...I mean CLOSE. Like this person is you and you are this person. When he hugs me, it's a genuine hug. It's like he's trying to be IN me. I could be with him for hours and never say a word, but so much communication is happening. Life is funny. Just when you want to give up, here he comes. Not in the capacity that I thought either. But here either way....and I'll take it!
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