Happy Birthday To Me....

Today is my birthday!! Yay!! Today at 7:35 am I turned 33 years old. I feel fantastic! A guy in my class today asked me how old I turned. Seriously, I hate this question. So instead of answer him I said....guess. He said, "I hope I don't offend you, Rachel...but 27-28??" I told him, "Cameron, if we weren't in a classroom full of people I'd totally make out with you right now!!" I'm glad that I still look younger then I am :)

Last year's birthday was rough. I was so focused on what I didn't have. This year I am honestly grateful that I have seen another year. I'm healthy, have friends who love me, have a wonderful family and have seen, even in this past month, change in myself that makes me smile. My dad called me to sing Happy Birthday and out of gratitude to Papa, I cried. It doesn't even hurt that my ex-husband isn't a part of my birthday anymore. He did email me last week to send me early birthday wishes, but I can remember when this day would roll around and I would just cry and cry and cry. Matt used to do my birthday up!! But today, I can honestly say that where I am, at this point in my life, I'm happy. Content. At peace, and grateful!

Thank you, Papa for keeping me safe these 33 years. Even from myself! Thank you for loving me, even after all the times I turned and walked away from You. Thank you for never leaving me despite all the times I told You, that You weren't enough for me. Thank you for keeping my mind safe. My heart is fragile and broken, but I even thank you for that. Because without the bad, I wouldn't really know what greatness is.

I'm excited to see what this new year brings me. Better yet, of what I will make of it. I'm more determined then ever to reach my goals.

To my girlfriends Sam and Janice.....I love you guys immensely! Thank you for allowing me to vent and for reminding me that it's OK to not settle. That it's OK to know what I want and know what are deal breakers, even if the guy seems to have it going on. I always look forward to my lunches with you guys and am grateful for your friendship :)

So, Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear me.....happy birthday to me!!!

Small Miracles.....

It's amazing to me how fast Papa opens doors. I was bummed cuz I've lost my work out partner this week. Then out of the blue my friend Charles asked me why I haven't been to his gym. I'm still hitting the gym but mostly doing cardio this week cuz I'm still new to weights. I told him the person I was working out with and I have conflicting schedules....no need to elaborate. He said....damn...that sucks! Then 4 hours later, out of the blue he texts me and says...hey, if you really wanna train and lose weight, I'll show you how. Charles definitely knows how to lift and lose weight. He looks fantastic after losing 60 pounds in one year without doing any kinda surgery! I'm really happy about that!!! Yay for me!!

Then I spend the night with Vernon and his family last night. His kids usually pick movies to watch, while their parents and I watch 24. Last night the kids picked This Is It....Michael Jackson's movie. Now, anybody that knows even a small thing about me knows I LOVE THIS MAN!!!! I was watching the movie and was enthralled with him. At one point, I actually started to cry, cuz I was so moved!! Lily, who is like my child, came over, draped herself over my back and whispered into my ear...I love you, Rachel and kissed my cheek! I moved her into my lap and just held her. I love how she lets me do that, even though she is 4 years old!! She is such a perceptive child. I can't wait to see what she is going to be when she grows up!! I had a point to this story...oh yeah...my math teacher recommended that us future teachers coach some kind of kids sports. It prepares us to handle different kinds of temperaments and situations. I had talked to my friend Mike, who coaches if I could help him or if he could send me in a direction that would allow me to be an assistant coach. He had said that he's getting his own team next year, so he will need help. Next school year is a long ways away and Mike and I are in a weird transition. I would love to think that come next school year we'll be ok enough to coach together. Again...I was kinda bummed about this situation. Then last night as Vernon and I were cooking, I casually mentioned that my teacher recommended coaching. Vernon told me he is starting a new league with the YMCA in March and was looking for an assistant coach who would be committed and reliable. So, he asked me!!! Then he said he would even let me do practices and coach games by myself...full immersion!!! YAY!!!! So in one short month, I will be coaching girls 5-6 grades in basketball. I'm super nervous but excited for this opportunity. This means I have to start hitting the gym and play some hoops. I haven't played in a few years....so I'm sure I'm kinda rusty! I want to coach like Mike Singletary. I really like how he works out with his team and can yell at the guys when they aren't committed cuz he is. No, I'm not gonna yell at my girls, but I will run with them, do suicides with them and drills. If I require much of them, then I have to be willing to give much of myself as well.

I totally needed these small miracles. To anyone else, this stuff wouldn't be a big deal, but to me they were. It was as if Papa was saying, Look babe, yes, I took something from you (in the form of a relationship) but I'm giving you something else that can be a little more fulfilling (at this point in my life). Not that a relationship isn't fulfilling but I need to focus on me :)

So, thank you Papa for throwing a sista these much needed bones!!!

Second Chances

I went out this weekend with a new friend that I made and we had a blast! It's so nice to find people who are just like you. Hopefully we can remain friends!!

I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life: After almost 2.5 years of always living with someone, I'm moving out on my own. That's right folks.....I'll be completely alone! Truth be told, I'm scared. I don't do alone very well. I'm so much of a people person....I love being around people. I love the crowds, the noise, hearing the laughter and the chaos. Sometimes though I enjoy being alone, but not for the most part. Only when I am going thru something huge do I retreat within myself. The last time I lived alone was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that was hard. There are aspects of living alone that are nice that I miss: getting up in the middle of the night to pee, naked :) not having to clean my house if I don't want to. Being able to decorate it how I want it, even if the decor is "dark". Being able to have anyone over I want. Blasting my music while I shower. But then there are aspects of being alone that I hate: being alone in the house. Coming home to an empty house....that has to be the worst. I grew up in a house full of people and I love nothing more then to open the door and hear people arguing, laughing, kids crying, dogs barking and smell the food cooking. To me, that is a peaceful environment!! Vernon and Jaymie have 4 kids. There is nothing better then when I open the door to go into their home and I hear the kids scream RACHEL!!!! Rachel's home!! No matter who many times I've heard it, when I hear it every Monday night it almost brings me to tears. I feel so absolutely loved. I long for the day when I'll hear "Mommy's home!" Or for the day I'll open the door to my home and I'll hear my husband say "Hi baby....welcome home!!" This new apartment will be a huge step for me. In the right direction. I'm sad that my mom isn't here to help me thru it though. When I got divorced I moved into my own place and talk about having to adjust!! Wow...when you spend almost 10 years with someone you don't know how to be alone. I had the worst insomnia I've ever had. The first 2 weeks of being alone, I slept only 20 hours. I would call my mom crying every night until at the end of the 2weeks she told me she couldn't stay up with me anymore......I needed to find a way to work out this problem alone. I did...and survived. This time is kinda like the same thing: I have always been around people that it will be a huge adjustment. Unlike last time, I'll do it all alone.

Part of the reason I'm getting my own place is because, as anyone knows, I want to be in a committed relationship. What do I have to offer the other person, besides myself? As of now....nothing. That's unacceptable. How can someone be with me, while I live with roommates? Not even sharing a place together, but renting a room? What am I showing that other person? That I'm not good with money? That I'm not responsible? That I don't know how to be alone? I am responsible and pretty ok with money, so that's not the problem, but that's what people automatically assume. I don't want to give that impression anymore. Will I need to adjust my lifestyle? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. Will the rewards be worth it...of saying I have my OWN place? Yes.

Here is the other reason I am embarking on this journey: I need to be alone. Does that sound conflicting? Yes. Am I conflicted about it? Hell yes. I broke up with Nik some time ago and I haven't been single for long. I need to be single and alone to really know myself. I know what I want, but when it's in front of me, I don't want it. Why? I have so many walls up, that have caused me to miss out on good relationships. Take this last one: yes, it was brief. Many of my friends didn't even know I was kinda getting to know someone. But he was a great man. Had a lot of the qualities I want in someone, but my damn barrier was so around my heart, that not once did he really SEE me. Me...the Rae that all my friends love. The girl who will give her heart and soul to people. I need to let those walls come crumbling down, but I don't know how. The concrete solid wall has once again come between something that could have been great. I want more then anything, for someone to see me. Maybe being alone in my new place, I can do some self reflecting......but I'm still confused on how to let the walls go. I protect myself so much because I'm so tired of being hurt. Of giving and not getting back. But at the same time I'm tired of being lonely.

I am grateful for my friends that I have, who remind me that I am destined for great things in life. That great things are just around the corner for me.....to just be patient. That when my someone comes along, that I'll be completely overjoyed.

I'm grateful for the second chance of living alone. Does that sound crazy?? Hopefully this time around I'll get it right :)

The Buildup.....

I can't sleep. I have to be up in roughly 4 hours to hit the gym. I'm sore as shit right now....everything hurts! I sneezed today and almost cried...my ass hurts, my arms are sore as shit but I know that all this pain will pan out. Isn't that weird?? That sometimes the things that hurt us the most, that cause us the most pain are the things that help us the most? Pain=growth.

I'm in a reflective mood. I'm listening to one of my favorite songs in the whole wide world...River Flows In You by Yiruma. I'll never ever forget the first time I heard this song. I was browsing youtube and there was speculation over what song would be Bella's lullaby from Edward (yes, I am a Twilight FREAK!) and I came across this song. It brought me to tears. Not just tears, but I mean TEARS. I cried so much because this song was sooo beautiful to me. I remember I was so moved that I text my friend Nate to tell him he had to listen to this song.....even now, it brings tears to my eyes. I'm really not sure why, other then it reaches down into me and touches my soul. I feel the frenzy in it...the need. I can understand that frenzy. Then towards the end, the need grows to calm.....almost a peace. I haven't gotten there yet, but I'm sure I will. I wonder what Yiruma was needing...what was he reflecting on when he wrote this song. If you've never heard this song, you simply must. No one should be deprived of this much beauty. Yiruma, thank you.

Another favorite is Claire de Lune by Debussy. Like Yiruma, Debussy has such a buildup and then there is a peaceful calm.......I absolutely love classical music.

I'm not really sure what's going on with me right at this moment. I need to write, but I'm not sure what. Like the composers, I feel a buildup inside of me. I know that it will, at some point come to a head....that it will need to come up or out. And after it does, I will be cleansed. I was waiting to hear from Brooke. She is my soul sister.....the girl who knows my deepest darkest secrets and despite them, she still loves me. I swear we are one person sometimes. It's kind creepy how I can think of her out of the blue, and then she'll text me. Maybe my unrest is due to Brooke. I've been feeling like she is struggling with something so huge. A decision. I want to call her and reach out to her, but I can't. I know that I can sway her with simply speaking to her. Whatever storm she is going thru, it is the road she must travel alone. And I'm sad for her. I know the road of lonely traveling. It can be so hard!! I want so badly for her to be ok....actually I want her to be more then ok. I want to hold her and tell her that I love her and will love her no matter what the outcome of this huge decision is. I know that she knows that I'm here waiting for her to come out of her pit. My hands are reaching down to her, to not only help her out, but up. Blue, if you are reading this, I love you sister! And this too shall pass!!!!

I've been trying to get my Mexican citizenship for a while now, but was always hindered because my dad didn't have a birth certificate. Well, today I got off my ass and called family in Mexico to go get it for me and to send it to me. Yay! I also ordered a copy of my birth certificate cuz I don't have a clue of where mine is! So....in a short month or so I will be a dual citizen....of Mexico and the U.S. I know most people won't understand why I'm doing this, but to me it's important. I'm Mexican and damn proud! This is a part of my culture and of who I am.

I miss my mom. Badly. I miss calling her. Hearing her voice. Right now, I would love a hug from her. I need to hear her tell me that I will be ok. That she's proud of who I am, of who I'm becoming. I'm sure she's in Heaven crying for me, because I'm down here crying for her. I miss her birthday cards. I miss her cooking....her laugh.....and hearing her yell at me. I miss hearing her say "mmmmm.....Rachel". I miss hearing her swear. I miss gossiping with her. I have a video on my phone of my niece Megan pretending to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid. On it, you can hear my mom crackin up. I listen to that video at least 3 times a day. My fear is forgetting what she sounds like. I have a picture in my office of my family from at least 4 years ago....my mom looked so damn beautiful!!! I hate what cancer did to her. It literally ate her alive for an entire year. While it ravaged her body, it never once touched the essence of her. I'll never forget her trying to comfort me because I was so upset that she was going to die. Imagine that. The day my mom died, she was comforting me! She was an amazing woman, of amazing faith. I don't know where this is coming from. I've been doing pretty good about not crying over her. Maybe cuz my birthday is next week and I miss her calling me? Have I been keeping too busy to avoid missing her? I just saw her gravesite last month, with my dad. Sometimes it's still so weird to go there. I hate it. I haven't dreamt of her in a while. It's a blessing and a curse. The last time I dreamed of her, I swear when I woke up, I expected to see her in my room, just sitting on my bed like she used to sometimes do. I can't wait to see her again. I'm jealous that she's getting to play with my child while I'm down here wondering what he/she looks like. Does he/she look like me or their dad? Does he/she behave like me or their dad? Will I recognize her/him when I see her/him? But I'm glad that my child is with their grandma as well as Papa. Man....so much going on the month of February. My child would have been 4 this month. I got divorced from Mr. Hise 2 years ago. I've been cured from cancer now for 3 years this month. Maybe this is where the need to write comes from......

I am grateful to have come out on top of all this turmoil doing OK. Yes, I'm crazy at times. Yes, I want to randomly start fights with random ass people, but for the most part, I am a well adjusted woman. My battle scars are finally starting to heal.

A River Flows in You.....and it's starting to flow out.......

The Starter....

So school started again in January. I'm excited but nervous again this semester too! Nervous cuz my Math class is gonna kick my ass! No...it's not actual math but trying to explain math concepts. Like.....why is 5^2 =25?? Um....cuz it just does?!?!?! My teacher didn't like that answer....wonder why??

Thankfully I am out of the dysfunctional relationship that I was in for the past 7 months. Jeez Louis.....talk about a hot fuckin train wreck. I came pretty close to losing myself in that mess, but thankfully didn't. I let him go. I had to, to survive. Literally. I am doing better already since I've physically left Nik. We were broken up for over a month before I left. Why did I stay?? Cuz I was worried that he was going to OD. I felt responsible for him in some sick, sick way. What if he OD'd because I left him? What if he died and no one found his body for a while? Would his parents blame me? There was no love between us....at least on my part. I half hated myself for caring about someone who CLEARLY didn't care for himself, but how could I leave? Then.....he completely disrespected me by dating another person who I considered a friend. No...I'm not mad that he was already dating.....I understand that. He had needs that I wasn't meeting, but how could this girl look me in the eye, hug me, hang out...the whole time being with him? What kinda woman does that shit? So....I no longer felt responsible. I passed the torch to her and bade her godspeed.....she's gonna need it. I thanked her as well....for freeing me from the weight around my neck. People would always ask...why are you with him? Here's the honest answer: I could see the road he was on.....and the pain he would have to endure if he continued on this said road. I tried to save him from his journey....to save him from the tremendous pain he might not be able to stand. Was it my job?? No. Did I do more harm to him then good? I certainly hope not. One of the biggest "problems" I have is that I'm way too empathetic. I cry when kids cry. I cry when I see someone who has just broken up with her boyfriend because I can almost FEEL their pain. And it's sometimes too much for me. I could see the utter despair in Nik's eyes and I wanted to ease that pain.....almost to my expense though. I had to wake up and realize that no one is worth that....yet.

Moving forward.....I was doing some self reflection today and looking back on my past relationships. Most of them have been with douchebag men I shouldn't have been with. Why do I do that? Do I not think that I deserve better?? My friends call me "The Fixer".....I fix up men for the next girl to come up behind me and get the fruit of my blood, sweat and tears. How fucked up is that? Take the x husband for example: I can't even count how many hours of crying I did over and for that man. Now the girl right after me gets the good man.....the perfect next husband.....all because I was the Starter Wife.

Someone asked me the other day: Do you know what you want? Most people don't.....that's NOT me. I know exactly what I want......but it eludes me. Why? What am I doing wrong here? What other lesson must I learn before I'm deemed "ready" to be with someone? I don't want a warm body....if that were the case, shit....I could call a hand full of people right now. I want a meaningful relationship. A healthy relationship. With a man...not a boy.

Part of the problem....well, it's not really a problem, but all my friends are married. Seriously. Except for 2. And God bless all my friends, but they are constantly trying to set my ass up. Hey Rae....I know this REALLY good guy who you will be good for. Wait.....I want someone who will be good for.....ME! Because I'm so friendly/flirty I can mesh with a lot of people. But that doesn't mean that they are good for me, or that I'm good for them. I want someone who is going to compliment me in every way......where I am weak, he will be strong. I want him to be able to put me in my place, without PUTTING me in my place. I want someone who my friends can look at him looking at me and see the love in his eyes......who will feel blessed to be with me.....and HELLO...is it too much to ask that he NOT be a cheater?!?!?

If it sounds like I'm whining....again....I'm not...really :) I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I'm hitting the gym again like no body's business.....and damn does that feel fantastic! I ran 4 miles on Sunday......I haven't ran like that for a while. Blasted some Ke$ha (don't hate!) and just ran and ran and ran......so damn liberating. I slept so damn great Sunday night! Tonight I'm planning on running again....another 4 miles. I need to feel that sweat run down my back......drip off my face......feel my heart beating so hard inside my body......feel my breath come quickly......feel that seratonin flooding my body. :)