20 Days

My Thanksgiving weekend was pretty good. Busy but good. I got to spend it with Vernon's family. We went to his sister's house and relaxed, played games, talked and laughed...tons! It made me homesick but for the most part it was fun. Then Jaymie and I got up at the ungodly hour of 3:30 am to go shopping on Black Friday. It wasn't as chaotic as I thought it would be and we found some pretty good deals!

I'm starting to think that I need to hang around single people. Being around married couples all the time reminds me of what I had and stupidly let go. It's like a slap in the face and I'm starting to feel like maybe I am masochistic. Maybe I'm punishing myself by hanging around all these married friends. Don't get me wrong....they are tons of fun, but again, it's like ripping the wound open all over again.

The main drawback of hanging with single friends is the need for them to always go out. I'm so over that...being in the same clubs or bars and seeing the same ol people. That's not for me. Maybe I should take up a cooking class....

I was thinking yesterday that it had been an entire week since I had heard from Nate and I got a call while I was at church...it was Nate! The vampire magic must still be in the air for us. He left me a hilarious message and hearing about his life adventures makes me giggle. Although I don't think it made the 80 year old woman in front of him giggle, did it Nate??? I also got to talk to my cousin Charlie that I haven't spoken to in a very long time. It was good just to catch up and make plans for when I come home......

I'm anxiously counting down the days until I go home.....20 days to be exact!! 20 days until I get to see Nate and my family. 20 Days until I get to sleep in as long as I want, without worrying about being anywhere. 20 days until I sleep like a baby, with all my family under the same roof. 20 days until we are all at Blockbuster arguing over which movies to rent and leaving there an hour later with 5 movies! 20 days until all of us are eating dinner together, laughing and probably arguing too. 20 days until I'm at the beach. 20 days until I'm eating In N Out and Jack in the Box tacos! 20 days until I can have coffee with my daddy. 20 days until we are all in the kitchen making breakfast or dinner together. 20 days until I get to hug Tuna. 20 days until Pinky and I will be laying in her bed talking until 4 in the morning. 20 days until I put flowers on my mom's grave. 20 days is sooooo long........

False Start

I'm so restless today...almost antsy. Even my dreams were kinda weird. I was singing the song The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars....

"Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you.
Look in my eyes,
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you."

Although I really don't remember who I was singing to, but I was singing at the top of my lil lungs. I'm feeling as if there is something that I'm not supposed to do, but I'm dying to do it. It being..well...I'm not sure!!! UGH..how frustrating!! This is the part I hate about being patient. It's like I'm on the defensive line and getting called on a false start....I'm jumpy...trying to help myself, help myself!!! But I don't want to suffer the consequences of a 5 or 10 yard penalty. I have sooo much work to do today cuz I'm off for the rest of the week, but I can't seem to focus on anything......

Michael's

I came to figure out yesterday, that if I ever am a mother, I definitely won't be the Martha Stewart mom. I'd be the "let's get the baker to do that" kinda mom. My friend Jaymie was in Michael's trying to find cake decorating stuff so she could decorate a cake for a friends shower. When I asked her why can't we just get a baker to do this, I thought she would slap me! She was horrified! No, no, no.......we have to make it. We??? I stood in that aisle, totally confused at what fondant was and the millions of cookie cutters, icing dye, which is apparently different then regular food dye, and recipes there were. I literally had to sit down in the middle of the aisle to catch by breathe! After collecting what she thought "we" would need, we left the store and I was still slightly confused at why in the world we needed $57 worth of "stuff"! Again....can't we just get a baker to do this?? My poor future kids.

Ramen and Wienes and Bananas...OH MY!!!!

Yesterday was a great day. After work I called my sister Izma and was letting her know all the breakthroughs I've been having. While talking with her my other lil sister Pinky called me. I told her I was on the phone with Izma and she called her. She called me back when Izma told her she was talking to me...so we decided to conference her in. Well, 3 hours later we're still talking. It's great to have people in your life that will always love you now matter how many times you fall, or completely screw up. Both of them made me feel loved and I'm so excited to go home and be with family. I'm bummed Izma can't come home but I understand why. I'm glad my parents taught us the value of family. I feel sad for people who don't realize what they have in sister or brothers. They are missing out on best friends, on cheerleaders on shoulders they can lean on when your burden gets too tough to carry alone. I love my family so much.

Pinky and Izma don't knock the ramen and wienes till you try it!! Izma, back away from the bananas.....

Crossroads

The past few days have been pretty quiet, which I am grateful for. Usually my life is this huge whirlwind. I am like a fast moving tornado and don't know how to just be still. But lately I've just been hanging out at home, ignoring the relentless phone calls and text messages. I find myself at a crossroads. Which way to go?? I feel this is a huge turning point in my life. Do I go left? What's down that road? Should I go right?? Is that the better way?? Hmmmm....such a conundrum. So in the mean time, since I don't have a clear direction of which road to travel, I am sitting cross-legged, with my elbows on my knees, my face in my hands at the fork in the road, just waiting. Now, if you know me, you know that I am not the most patient of people. Patience is not a virtue that I have. So this sitting thing is new for me. How long will I be able to sit? How long can I be still? I'm sure there will be some days where I will be screaming at the forks in the road, demanding them to tell me where to go. I'll probably take a few stumbling steps towards one of the roads, but because I am so tired of the mistakes in my life, of "guessing" which road to go down, I will sit back down and wait until I am moved into the right direction.

Part of this sitting at the road, is also me making the decision not to date for a year. Not that I'm angry with men, but I'm trying to heal myself completely. I don't want to bring another person down my dark whole. It's not fair for these guys to fall so completely in love with me, only to have me say, Yeah...this isn't working for me. I refuse to hurt one more person in the quest to find myself. So many people use another person to get over their hurt and they fully can't give themselves to their mate. I don't want that anymore. What's the point of using another human as a stepping stone? As a security blanket when you know you can't give yourself fully to them? Why waste your time that way? When I love again, because I know I will, I want to give myself wholly, completely, and without reservations. But how can I love again, when others have tiny pieces to my heart?? I need to get those back so I can give one entire heart to the next man in my life......

Bittersweet

Today is my x hubby's birthday. I walked outside this morning to drive to work and it's snowing. It reminded me of the days when we were together when we would go snowboarding for the weekend for his birthday. Today is so bittersweet for me. I think of the good times and remind myself, gently that we had bad times too. Will this hurt ever go away??

Dangerous Games

My mind is racing in a milion different directions. I'm playing a dangerous game that I fear I will lose. I think I'm more distrubed that I WANT to play this game. A game that could possibly crush and destroy me, but that has the possibility of giving me a few moments of bliss and ecstasy.......Like Julia Roberts said in Steel Magnolias: I'd rather have 5 minutes of wonderful then a lifetime of nothing special........but can my heart take it??

Ice Cream Whore

This past week has been such a blur!! Wow...I've been crazy busy every single night of the week, and every one of them has been super good for me, but the 2 nights that stand out the most are Wednesday and Thursday.
Wednesday was Nate Night. We've both been feeling kinda down in the dumps so we decided to have a movie and cry night. I got to his house and I was starving so he fed me this concoction that he called "chicken enchiladas'. Hmmmm...being the snobby Mexican that I am I was like hell no I'm not eating that! It looked quite scary! But he made me try a bite and surprisingly it was really good! We ate 'em up with some chips and it was quite delish! Then we headed out to rent a movie from blockbuster and ended up getting The Hulk. While drooling over Edward Norton, Nate asked "Do you think he lets anyone call him Eddie?" Somehow I can't see Edward letting anyone call him that! We stopped at the store for some ice cream and Red Vines. Nate suggested Dublin Mudslide for me to try. That is now my favorite ice cream for the moment!! Since we were going to drool over Edward Norton we decided that some wine would be appropriate. While I was paying for this good Shiraz I looked over and saw Boon's Farm Fuzzy Navel on sale for $1.99!!! Holy Crap!!!! But to my dismay, Nate wouldn't let me buy any... . With all our crap in hand, we returned home, opened the bottle of wine which turned out to be great and then Nate had an epiphany: lets drink the wine thru our red vines!!! Man, was that delicious!!! After the first glass of wine we ate some ice cream and watched our movie. It was exactly what I needed: a visit with a friend who understood me. We didn't have to try too hard to have a good conversation. We could be our normal goofy selves. There were no pretenses. Just 2 people having fun!
Then last night was Grey's night. My friend Jamey came over cuz we are obsessed with this show as well. Usually we watch it together but if we can't we text each other all night during the show! I picked him up and made him go with me to Fascinations...sorry Jamey! There's nothing like going to a porn store with a male friend, huh? Now for all you sicko's out there: I was only there for some pasties. If you dont know what they are, I'm not explaining them to you! So...we went home and I had the munchies, so I brought out my ice cream. Yes, I shared my ice cream that I had the night before with Nate, with Jamey. It was so great just to lounge around in sweats, watch Grey's, laugh over the characters and share some ice cream! I needed to be dragged out of my funk and both guys came to my rescue. I love friends!

The X Effect

Man, these past few weeks have been super fuckin crazy! I go bowling with some friends in an out of the way bowling alley and run into the x....let's call him Kooba. Akward!! We spoke a lil bit then we both left. Then on Saturday...what a production. I go dancing at my favorite spot only to see Kooba yet again. I almost fell apart at the club, so instead of doing that, I called my knight in shining armor, Nate and asked him to take me home. He pulled up on his white horse and rescued me from the evil x. But.....the x has been texting. Saying things like I still miss you, I'm not over you, I still love you and I was the most happy when I was with you. Do I dare believe that? I don't know what to think. My heart is happy beceause I truly loved this boy, but my head says Hell no! Don't go down this road again. He has been in my thoughts since we broke up. The hurt slowly went away, but he remained there like a tumor in my brain that is inoperable. What do I do?!?

I'm not the One.....

I watched Grey's last night and was almost insanely jealous of Meredith. Her man, Mc Dreamy is the perfect guy for a girl like Meredith. She has so many hang ups, so many doubts, so many ill-conceived thoughts of what a relationship is or isn't, yet there is her rock, Mc Dreamy. No matter how many times she freaks out at their relationship, he calmly moves her hair out of her face, takes her face in his hands, and tells her to take her time, then says he loves her and calms her fears. Everytime! He has the patience of a man, who sees the potential that Meredith has. He sees the diamond in the rough that she is and is determined to stay by her until she sees herself as he sees her.

What happened to men like that? Where are they? What happened to loving a woman for who she was, not for the sexual ability she had? I'm so tired of men for that. Um, if i wanted to fuck you, I would. I'm tired of guys saying things that they think I want to hear, instead of being honest.

I've known this guy *Greencard (I'm protecting the names of the fuckin idiotic just because I'm nice.) for about 3 months. I stay pretty busy because I like to stay busy. He'll always text me and say, so any plans for tonight? First of all, if you really wanted to spend any kind of time with me that didn't include the horizontal position, you would have called way ahead of time and tried to schedule some time. Secondly, why the hell are you texting me at 9 at night to see if I'm busy?? Really??? Greencard just text me asking if I had plan today and it's semi-early so I won't rip into him too bad, but when I say I do, he says......wait......wait for it....."i'll miss you tonight." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! I wanted to absolutely scream at my phone, but it's not my phone's fault so I take a deep breath and did what I do best: be a bitch. I sent him a text back that simply said I'm not the one. I'm not sure if he'll understand that but I'm really not the one!! I hate men that say what they think I want to hear. Most of my friends know that I'm not your average woman. Take what most woman like: flowers, cards, candy and toss all that shit out the fuckin window. Don't give me flowers because you fucked up or because you feel like you have to. I'll throw them away. I don't like candy so I'll just end up giving it away. I'd have so much more respect for a man that said, Hey Rae, I just wanna fuck. Not that I'm gonna fuck you, but at least you're honest and up front!! Fuckin A!!! Whisper sweet nothings in another bitch's ear cuz this one has heard it all already.

Now let's talk about the *Baby. This fool is like 19 years old and thinks he can "holla" at someone like me. Again....REALLY??? What could you possibly have that I want or need?? Come on!!! He constantly texts me, and I don't ever answer them. Why hasn't he gotten the fuckin hint? How many times can I say, I don't want anything from you?? I honestly think he's masochistic. This fool never gets answered back, he always gets sent to vm, yet he is still persistant!!! Say it with me....EW!!!

I'm just fed up and like my friend Nate said, I really sometimes wonder why I even try anymore! I want a cross of Edward with a dash of Derek. Someone who is going to take the time to get to know me.......does that exist anymore??

Ahhhh

So I somehow stumbled upon Blogger.....I'm not really sure how, either. Am I ready to post all my thoughts online for the world to see?