Crossroads

The past few days have been pretty quiet, which I am grateful for. Usually my life is this huge whirlwind. I am like a fast moving tornado and don't know how to just be still. But lately I've just been hanging out at home, ignoring the relentless phone calls and text messages. I find myself at a crossroads. Which way to go?? I feel this is a huge turning point in my life. Do I go left? What's down that road? Should I go right?? Is that the better way?? Hmmmm....such a conundrum. So in the mean time, since I don't have a clear direction of which road to travel, I am sitting cross-legged, with my elbows on my knees, my face in my hands at the fork in the road, just waiting. Now, if you know me, you know that I am not the most patient of people. Patience is not a virtue that I have. So this sitting thing is new for me. How long will I be able to sit? How long can I be still? I'm sure there will be some days where I will be screaming at the forks in the road, demanding them to tell me where to go. I'll probably take a few stumbling steps towards one of the roads, but because I am so tired of the mistakes in my life, of "guessing" which road to go down, I will sit back down and wait until I am moved into the right direction.

Part of this sitting at the road, is also me making the decision not to date for a year. Not that I'm angry with men, but I'm trying to heal myself completely. I don't want to bring another person down my dark whole. It's not fair for these guys to fall so completely in love with me, only to have me say, Yeah...this isn't working for me. I refuse to hurt one more person in the quest to find myself. So many people use another person to get over their hurt and they fully can't give themselves to their mate. I don't want that anymore. What's the point of using another human as a stepping stone? As a security blanket when you know you can't give yourself fully to them? Why waste your time that way? When I love again, because I know I will, I want to give myself wholly, completely, and without reservations. But how can I love again, when others have tiny pieces to my heart?? I need to get those back so I can give one entire heart to the next man in my life......