I thought I would feel worse then I actually do this morning. No...I'm not in the depths of despair, but I'm not exactly skipping either. I'm in the middle. Neither happy nor sad....just kinda here.
I helped a gf move last night and that went relatively well. We're almost done, with just a couple more loads tonight. I was home by 9:30ish and made myself sleep. My mind kept running and I had to force myself to quiet it down. Ssshhhhh....you're making me hurt, brain. So Sshhhhh....go mimi's. And I did. I woke up around midnight and felt kinda alone, so I text my gf Cheryl who I know is up all hours of the night. Turns out that she had just woke up too, so we talked until 2am and around then I fell back asleep. When my alarm went off, I sat up waiting for it: The depression. As I wiped my eyes, I waited. Hmmmm...nothing....weird. "Oh wait" I thought, it will hit me in the shower. That's my favorite place to cry. I'm big on visuals so when I cry in there, I imagine the water taking my tears away from me and down to the deep ocean. I showered and waited....nothing....weird. So I got dressed and got into the car. While in the car a song I like came on...and I actually smiled. Weird.
I'm really not sure why I feel OK rather then feeling like death walking, but I'll take it. Maybe it's because I'm really trying to focus on what I have, rather then what I don't have. I no longer want to allow others to dictate how I feel. That's ridic. I read a great quote today: "Blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another and how much you blame them, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty when blaming them, but you wont succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." I'm really going to try to focus on me and figure out just what is making me feel unhappy and unsatisfied, instead of trying to blame others. Well, Mike doesn't spend time with me. Cheryl isn't listening to me....etc. What am I doing?? It's always easier to blame others for our unhappiness, instead of holding up the mirror, isn't it? I'm going to hold up the mirror and face myself head on. I may not like what I see. Actually....I know I won't like what I see. But I know that Papa loves me immensly. He looks at me and says...That crazy Rachel is MINE. And for the time being, that's enough......
So, in the spirit of focusing on what I have: here it goes....I'm healthy. I have a fantastic job and friends that are beyond awesome. I got a text from my best friend Muzaff last night while I was helping Ky move that simply said 3 words: "I love you". I cried, because it was exactly what I needed to hear. I texted him back...."Jerk. That made me cry!" He replied: "I just wanted you to remember that." I'm thankful for my friends. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. It may not be mignon but I'll take it. I'm mentally sound. Now, there are people that may try to dispute this, but it's fact: I'm sane!!!! LOL!! wow...I actually laughed. Weird. I am going back to school in the fall and that's getting me closer to my dream of teaching. I have a family that loves me to death. I have 5 sisters and we have a safe word that when we text each other this word, all the world falls away and we belong to only each other for as long as we need it. More importantly I can honestly say: I AM HIS. With my heart and soul I believe this. Even if others around me don't see my worth, He does. Even if no one else understands that I am a Treasure, He does. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm trying to wrap my head around that kinda love. It boggles my wee brain to the point of insanity sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to let this Love be enough. I'm trying to find the faith to step outta my boat to the crashing waves......
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The God Side.....
Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I wanna kick my own ass. (Sigh) Let me start at the beginning.
I'm a preachers kid. I grew up in the church, was raised in it...immersed in it. I was taught forgiveness. I was taught that people aren't perfect and they will hurt you. So you have to forgive. I feel like I do a pretty OK job of that. I've forgiven people that don't deserve my forgiveness. But, as I was also taught, I don't deserve God's forgiveness either so who am I to judge or not forgive people? This is the dilemma I constantly go through. CONSTANTLY. Someone hurts me....I forgive and move on. Then, that same person hurts me again....I forgive and we move on. At what point am I allowed to move that person out of my life? The moment I think that, the small voice says to me...God doesn't cut you outta His life and you hurt Him all the time. So I feel bad for wanting to be rid of that person and so I forgive and we move on. On to the same cycle of me being someones punching bag. Verbally. I have pretty thick skin. I had to learn as a child to put up a wall to protect myself. It was necessary for survival. So I'm really good at it now. So when these people hurt me, a wall goes up and I'm not as hurt as I could have been.
As I sit here I wonder what is it about me that screams "Please use me as your punching bag." Why do I attract people who are so sick? People who need to dump on me to feel better? Why do I get that? I give all that I have, all that I am to people, but what am I getting in return? I hate myself. I hate how people make me feel. I hate how weak I am when it comes to humanity. I try so hard to look at the good in people. At people that no one else can see ANY kind of good in. But it's these same people who hurt me badly.
I cut someone out of my life last night. He and I were good friends but I can no longer take being his punching bag. I don't know how to feel about that. I have so many mixed emotions. On one side, I'm glad that he can't ever hurt me again. Then there's the other side. The God Side. UGH! I'm constantly at war with God. I don't understand what he wants from me. I'm lying. I do know what he wants and I can't give him that. Yes, he has my heart, but I want control of my life. I'm scared to not have control. I'm a complete control FREAK. I relied on people when I was younger and those people hurt me to the point of it made me who I am today. I know God had nothing to do with that hurt. People are given the beautiful choice of Free-Will. With Free-Will comes choices and consequences. I prayed for God to step in soooo many times. He didn't. He couldn't. Isn't God All-Mighty? Yes, he is, but because we are given free will, he can't step in. At that point, free will would be taken from us. Instead he sent people to me who were supposed to help me, but ended up hurting me more. Because of this free will, I hold onto control so badly. I don't know how to give it up. And that's what God wants: Complete control of my life. So we are constantly at odds. He keeps calling and I keep ignoring. Not completely ignoring, but just saying I can't Papa. With trusting Him comes pain. Is that biblically sound doctrine? No. I'm sure it isn't. But that's how I view giving up control.
As I write this, I know how stupid I sound. God paid a hefty price for my life. The death of his Only son. All I have to give up is control. How stupid, right?
How do I look at the face of Jesus and say to him, I know u gave your life, but I couldn't give control?? Thus the self loathing all over again. And "The War" continues. It's not like God isn't in my life. Everything I do, I constantly think of Him. "Oh snap....he's not gonna like that!" "God, are you proud?" "Do you still love me, even after I did....." "HOW could you love me after I did....??"
I know God will win this war. He won't quit until he does, because him having control of my life is only for my good. I know this. But I also know that there will be pain and I'm a coward for 2 reasons: I hate being hurt and I don't want the responsibility that comes with God having control. I've realized that I have a certain influence over people. I don't want that.....At all, because with responsibility comes answering for people. I only want to answer for myself.
My head hurts with all of this. I'm going to do what I do best: run. Run until I drop from exhaustion. Run until the noise in my head abates to the point where it's just a dull noise, rather then the screaming it is now......
I'm a preachers kid. I grew up in the church, was raised in it...immersed in it. I was taught forgiveness. I was taught that people aren't perfect and they will hurt you. So you have to forgive. I feel like I do a pretty OK job of that. I've forgiven people that don't deserve my forgiveness. But, as I was also taught, I don't deserve God's forgiveness either so who am I to judge or not forgive people? This is the dilemma I constantly go through. CONSTANTLY. Someone hurts me....I forgive and move on. Then, that same person hurts me again....I forgive and we move on. At what point am I allowed to move that person out of my life? The moment I think that, the small voice says to me...God doesn't cut you outta His life and you hurt Him all the time. So I feel bad for wanting to be rid of that person and so I forgive and we move on. On to the same cycle of me being someones punching bag. Verbally. I have pretty thick skin. I had to learn as a child to put up a wall to protect myself. It was necessary for survival. So I'm really good at it now. So when these people hurt me, a wall goes up and I'm not as hurt as I could have been.
As I sit here I wonder what is it about me that screams "Please use me as your punching bag." Why do I attract people who are so sick? People who need to dump on me to feel better? Why do I get that? I give all that I have, all that I am to people, but what am I getting in return? I hate myself. I hate how people make me feel. I hate how weak I am when it comes to humanity. I try so hard to look at the good in people. At people that no one else can see ANY kind of good in. But it's these same people who hurt me badly.
I cut someone out of my life last night. He and I were good friends but I can no longer take being his punching bag. I don't know how to feel about that. I have so many mixed emotions. On one side, I'm glad that he can't ever hurt me again. Then there's the other side. The God Side. UGH! I'm constantly at war with God. I don't understand what he wants from me. I'm lying. I do know what he wants and I can't give him that. Yes, he has my heart, but I want control of my life. I'm scared to not have control. I'm a complete control FREAK. I relied on people when I was younger and those people hurt me to the point of it made me who I am today. I know God had nothing to do with that hurt. People are given the beautiful choice of Free-Will. With Free-Will comes choices and consequences. I prayed for God to step in soooo many times. He didn't. He couldn't. Isn't God All-Mighty? Yes, he is, but because we are given free will, he can't step in. At that point, free will would be taken from us. Instead he sent people to me who were supposed to help me, but ended up hurting me more. Because of this free will, I hold onto control so badly. I don't know how to give it up. And that's what God wants: Complete control of my life. So we are constantly at odds. He keeps calling and I keep ignoring. Not completely ignoring, but just saying I can't Papa. With trusting Him comes pain. Is that biblically sound doctrine? No. I'm sure it isn't. But that's how I view giving up control.
As I write this, I know how stupid I sound. God paid a hefty price for my life. The death of his Only son. All I have to give up is control. How stupid, right?
How do I look at the face of Jesus and say to him, I know u gave your life, but I couldn't give control?? Thus the self loathing all over again. And "The War" continues. It's not like God isn't in my life. Everything I do, I constantly think of Him. "Oh snap....he's not gonna like that!" "God, are you proud?" "Do you still love me, even after I did....." "HOW could you love me after I did....??"
I know God will win this war. He won't quit until he does, because him having control of my life is only for my good. I know this. But I also know that there will be pain and I'm a coward for 2 reasons: I hate being hurt and I don't want the responsibility that comes with God having control. I've realized that I have a certain influence over people. I don't want that.....At all, because with responsibility comes answering for people. I only want to answer for myself.
My head hurts with all of this. I'm going to do what I do best: run. Run until I drop from exhaustion. Run until the noise in my head abates to the point where it's just a dull noise, rather then the screaming it is now......
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