Just. Breathe.

Where do you turn when the person u least thought would ever hurt you, does? You can't run to that person, cuz they are the cause of it. Yet you can't stay away from that person cuz they are important to you. Every time you look at them you are reminded of the hurt. How do you go on? Yes, you forgive, but how do you let them back in? Fully. Without reservation? Without the walls? The shitty thing is this person is soo happy you forgave them so they act like nothing happened. wow. Wish I had that kinda "bounce-back". When everything you do for them is for their good, but they have absolutely NO regard for how you would feel. I don't understand that kinda selfishness. Selfishness. One little word that fucks up people around the selfish person. We end up being COS.....casualties of selfishness. What a cunt selfishness is.

I'm in a funk. No...not a new one. Still the same funk that just kinda lingers around...kinda like a stinky fart that won't go away!! Today I almost got into my car and packed it with whatever I could fit and actually just drove away. I had even packed my shit in my office and was just gonna bounce. Not tell one single person but my dad where I was gonna be. The wound was that deep. The pain that intense that for a moment I couldn't breathe. I was at this place once....and it almost killed me...literally. I don't want that place again. Never. I'll pack my shit and go before I ever let someone hurt me that badly again.

I want freedom. I need freedom. I feel broken. No...that's not true. I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is worse then feeling broken, because at least with broken you feel some fuckin thing. I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just.....nothing. I was trying to pin-point where my funk started. And it was last year. I know where it started. I'm not sure how to fix it though. I haven't "eaten" in a long time. I'm running on the fumes of reserved energy. There are times during the day that I have little spurts of energy. Like when the sun is shining and I'm glad I have another day to live. Then my next thought is: fuk...another day. I want to move someplace where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Can I get that mulligan? Can I have that freedom again?

My gf asked me today: Rae, do you believe in soul mates? I had to honestly think about it. I think in the way she was speaking that no. There is no such thing as a soul mate as a spouse. We were lied to as children. We were told that there is that ONE special person. Bullshit. I'm really starting to believe that we aren't made for single relationships. It seems to not exist anymore. Cheryl said she wanted to believe that there was a person out there that when they met her they would have no temptation to cheat. That she would be all this person needed. I had to be real with her and tell her...yeah...that shit isn't gonna happen. I have the words Faith and Love tatt'd on my wrists. The 2 words that used to be sooo important to me. I'm losing faith in love....people....just in general. Muzaff told me Saturday that the sooner I woke up and realized that people are grimy, the better off I would be. Well, I think I've woken up and smelled the shit...and let me tell ya...it stinks!! My 2 new favorite words are Just. Breathe. If I focus on my breathing then I can't focus on anything else.

I'm looking into moving soon. School used to be what tied me down here. Now, I really don't give a shit. I can transfer my credits. I need something new. I need someone to come restore my faith. In people. In life. In love. Better yet...I'm going to unleash Lucie. That bitch is ruthless. She doesn't give a fuk about anyone but herself. Fuk people. Fuk love. "Just get mine" is her philosophy. People ARE grimy....even the people close to you. Shit...they're probably the grimiest...

I don't want any pity cuz my life really doesn't suk all that bad. Just parts of it do. I'm just being real about what is going on in my heart and head. I'm the bitch that tells it how it is. Who won't fuckin beat around the bush. Who's blunt and to the point. Don't wast my time. I won't waste urs........

Fuk Faith. Fuk Love. Just. Breathe.

Goodbye Rae. Hello Lucie.

My Daddy is the single most important person in my life. I would die for that man. Without thinking twice or even batting an eye. I would give him my heart if he would take it. That man has literally been thru the bowels of hell for me, so there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. That being said, when he dies, I will too. When I was a little kid....I used to wish to be changed into a boy, on every single birthday. This was because my dad worked on a ranch and would always tell me the ranch wasn't a place for little girls...only little boys. I thought that if I wished on my birthday candles, that I would magically wake up as a boy!! LOL! Around 7 is when I started to understand that my dad was sick. His heart wasn't cooperating with him. He has what you call an enlarged heart. As of a couple of years ago, he only has inches left in his chest for his heart to grow, then he'll die of a massive heart-attack. Even just writing this freaks me out!! My daddy has been the only constant person in my life. No matter what I have done, how I have failed, or the amount of shit I have waded into, my dad has always been there. Always loving me...yes, he would get hella irritated with me at times, but I always knew that he loved me. ALWAYS.

He called me yesterday to tell me that he needs an angioplasty done. Is it something to freak out about? To most people: no. Someone told me...oh Rae...these are done all the time. Well guess what?? I only have one father and I want to make sure that he's OK. I actually NEED him to be ok. I can't even imagine my life without my dad. I honestly talk to him 3-4 times a day. Thinking of my dad not being here physically on earth with me makes me wanna puke. I know that he is getting older and his heart is getting more and more tired and that eventually one day he will die. But not before I do. Like I was saying, at 7 I realized my dad was sick. My birthday wishes changed to: "Dear God...please take me before you take my dad." This is how I honestly feel. The pain in my soul that would come of my dad dying would be way more then I could possibly bare. I would just lay down and die. I wouldn't have the will to live. My mom's death was pretty hard, and that's, that I wasn't as close to her as I am to my father. My dad and I can talk about anything. Who I'm dating, where I'm going.....anything.

His surgery is next week and I'm going to be a mess this entire week. I want to pack my shit and go home. I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately. Just fuckin BLAH. Not caring about anything. Just kinda here. And then this got thrown into my lap. I was telling a girlfriend last night that I feel like something very bad is about to happen. I don't know when, what or what will happen, but it's almost as if I'm being prepared. Like I'm on auto-pilot just cruising thru the motions.....so that in case this big shit happens I don't completely shut down. It better not be about my dad. I'll go ape shit.....No....I won't go ape shit....I'll just cease to exist.......

Done!

OK....so I'm done playing games. DONE. I'm so tired of feeling beat down. I'm tired of all the shit that's been dumped on me....it's not even MY shit! Forgive me so I can forget you. It's Rae time now. I'm determined to get back on the grind called life. I'm coming out swinging, baby. Either you're on this train headed in the right direction or you better tuck and roll. I'm done carrying dead weight. You've never been anywhere but here...wanting nothing but to stay the same. I don't want to stay the same....I embrace change. I WILL not let my dreams die. I WILL not let my soul die. I WILL not accept defeat.....

Mi Media Naranja

So...I have found him.....FINALLY!! JoN!!! To those of you who don't know what that means, no...his name isn't Jon. I'm not gonna name him. That's private shit. But I have finally found the other half to my soul. The One who looks deep into my eyes and I can feel him touching my soul. He doesn't even flinch when he see darkness there. He simply accepts me for me. I've never been so close to someone...that when we're apart if physically hurts. No one on this earth knows me as well as he does. I NEED him. Like the air I breathe....like the food that nourishes my body. This is how he is to me. When we aren't together we are constantly in contact. Be it IM, text, email, phone or just in each others minds. I can feel him...constantly with me. Just as I am constantly with him. To other people this shit might sound weird. To you I say: How sad for you to not ever experience closeness with someone like this. I don't mean close...I mean CLOSE. Like this person is you and you are this person. When he hugs me, it's a genuine hug. It's like he's trying to be IN me. I could be with him for hours and never say a word, but so much communication is happening. Life is funny. Just when you want to give up, here he comes. Not in the capacity that I thought either. But here either way....and I'll take it!