Pain

I hate that I STILL miss him. Will this pain EVER go away??

Real Life Vampire........

I feel you sucking the life outta me and I don't know how to stop it. I'm slowly dying while you get better. How is this fair? You walk around so happy that today is a good day for you....you were able to banish your demon last night, but do you realize that you stole my energy in your banishing?? Do you see that I'm slowly disappearing before you? Do you see that I've lost a dress size not from exercise but from stress?? Obviously that fact that I work full-time, go to school full-time and have about 15 hours of homework a week doesn't stop you from keeping me up until 1 in the morning when you know I have to be up at 3:45am. You are so good at trying to sweep shit under the rug, do you see how big that pile is getting? It's becoming a huge mountain that is going to come to a head soon. Boiling point is 100 degrees C. My breaking point is coming very soon and my guess is that this will come completely out of left field for you. And this will be the excuse you give the world for you giving into your demon. It's HER fault. I can't wait for the shoe to drop anymore. I'm wasting away, wasting my life, wasting good energy on someone who is too blind to care for themselves so why should I give a flying fuck?! Chris told me last night it's because I'm too good of a person to walk away from someone who is hurting. The crazy thing is, he didn't have a clue of what is going on. All he said is so and so looks good since you've been their friend.....but you look tired and worn down. Are you ok?? Wake up call. How good of a person am I to let myself be taken under?? I guess that's the real question. How much do I love MYSELF to walk away?? To not be your friend anymore.?? What's hard for me is to try to not feel guilty if you give into your demon. It's your decision and I need to keep reminding myself of that........will someone please help me remind myself of that??

I need.........

More then mediocrity.

Pre-Dawn Church

Due to going to school now and working full-time, I find that I'm pretty exhuasted at the end of the day. I just want to do homework and go to bed. So, in order to keep myself in somewhat decent shape I've been running. Well, trying to get in shape is one reason but the other reason is because I'm running the 5K Race for the Cure this year in honor of a good friend of mine who is currently fighting breast cancer. I don't want to embarrass myself by running 3 miles in 2 hours! The only time I can find that I can run is in the morning. Pre-morning actually. I run at 4:30am so I can be at work by 7 to get out by 5 and be done with school around 7. Yes, it's brutal and there are mornings, like this one, where tears came to my eyes because I just wanted to stay in bed. But, I dragged myself out of bed and ran around Rocky Mountain Lake Park. I think I finally started to wake up after running half a mile. It was so beautiful and peaceful and during this run I vowed to myself that I would not allow anyone or anything to get in the way of me accomplishing my dreams, including myself. I am too much of a free spirit to be locked away in an office doing computer work all day long. It stifles my inner child and she MUST be allowed to run free every once in a while or she gets very irritable!!

Running is so cleansing to me. With every step I take, I imagine sloughing off all my worries, cares, burdens, stresses and leaving them where I just ran and moving forward to clean beginnings. It's almost like going to church to me. I love running until I feel the sweat run down the back of my knees. I know, I know....that's gross and all, but I see that as getting rid of all the impurities I've put on myself. I run until my lungs scream for breath and when I think I can't run anymore, I set a new goal. Ok, Rae....run to that trash can. You can do it!! And then I force myself to get there and once I'm there, I set a new goal. Only when I feel that I'm going to damn near pass out will I stop pushing my body and walk for a while to lower my heartrate and then I'll run again. I love the adrenaline that's running thru my body as I'm running. I love that in a few months I'll look bomb-diggity. I love that I can be dedicated even though it's so hard. A good friend said to me the other morning that I was one of the most ambitious and dedicated people that he's ever met. That was nice to hear. As I write this blog now, I feel like running. Maybe I'll throw on those Nike's..................

Changes

Fall is in the air!!! Yay!!! Don't get me wrong, I effen love the summer but I love fall more. It's my favorite time of the year. That's when the hoodies, sweaters and baking come out. I don't really bake during the summer cuz it's too damn hot, but during the fall?? There is nothing better then smelling goodies baking and snuggling on the couch. I tolerate the winter. The only thing that makes winter bearable is that I get to snowboard. But other then that perk, I'm not fond of winter. The air is getting cooler and it's starting to get a nice crisp to it at nite. I took out one of my big blankets the other nite and have now put that on my bed. Fall means Halloween....YAY!!! This year Cap and I have narrowed down our choices to two: to either be Dorothy and the Lion or we're gonna be Laverne and Shirley.

Fall also means.....school. Yep folks, I've done it. I've decided to get off my ass and get in gear with my life. I'm tired of not being where I want to be, so I enrolled in school again. I think since I was so gung-ho, that I might have bitten more then I can chew. I'm taking an intermediate algebra class, a children's lit (that's on Saturdays....gasp!!) and an integrated science class that is a mixture of physics and chemistry. WTF am I thinking?!?!?! I just want to get done as quickly as possible and be a teacher already!! I'm not getting any younger and it's totally dumb to waste my life on stuff that I shouldn't be doing. Especially since I KNOW what I want from life. Talk about waste! So, I'm now in the college ways. I'm excited, but nervous as well. I'm one week closer to my goal :)

The Voice

Why do I have to be the single girl with morals?! Damn those morals!!! Life would be so much easier without a conscience. Without constantly having to hear the small voice saying "I wouldn't do that, Rae." "Not a good decision." "No!!" or my favorite "Those consequences are gonna suck if you go down this road." Why can't I not care?? Why can't I just do whatever the fuk I want to? Why do I get to be the only one with fuckin standards that are apparently way too high. My friend Mike said the other day that he was gonna lower his standards and up the quantity of women in his life. Why can't I do that, without having the voice pester me?!?! UGH!! Even know as I'm writing this I feel bad cuz I know I shouldn't feel this way...but I do. So again...there is guilt. I'm constantly drowning in it. Life fuckin sucks sometimes.

Going Under

Fuk, can today get any worse?!?!?!?! Fuck me running, I'm so confused. I feel like I'm being pulled into 5 million directions when all I want to do is stop and not listen or hear anything or anybody. I can't even hear myself think amidst all the shit raging around me. I feel like I'm being dragged under a wave and as I come up for air, there is another one ready to crash me. I feel myself being enticed by the numbing agents that always worked before. I want to drive and drive and drive. No, my life doesn't suck. People do. People who can't say what they want. I'm slowly going under and this time, I don't fuckin care....I'm letting myself go.

Fully Alive

I need to start off my saying I LOVE my job....who else can listen to Tupac's 2 of America's Most Wanted, unedited?!?!? I can just imagine Nate shaking his head as he is reading this saying, Really Rae?!?!

So yesterday was a blah day. I felt so down and yucky. It started out great...I got to talk to Nate on his way to his job, which as always fun! But then I just got super sad, almost on the verge of tears. My best friend Cheryl was in the same mood so we concluded that we just need to spend some quality time together, her and I. I've been busy lately so I haven't had much time to see her. Nik takes up so much of my time....oh yeah...Nik.

Well, I'm dating Nik and it's going well so far. He understands me in ways that so many other people haven't or couldn't. I'm a complicated person that will one minute want you to hold me, but the very next moment won't want you to touch me. Yes, yes I know..I'm crazy. But Nik is the same exact way so it's a match made in dysfunctional heaven! I was confused for a moment on dating Nik. I'm so scared to give myself to someone. That's some scary shit! My last relationship was complicated but because of me. I was still not completely over the x hubby so there was that bullshit thrown in the mix. Now, I am completely over Matt. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy. So I don't have all these unresolved feelings brought into my relationship with Nik. So I'm a little freaked out. I like Nik, cuz I like Nik. I haven't felt this in a long time. Probably since Matt. Cheryl thinks I need to just let go of the damn rope and let myself fall. If I hit the floor and it ends badly, she'll always be there to scrape my ass up and help me thru. I think I'll follow her advice. We're having dinner together tomorrow the four of us to bond. Hopefully this goes well. Nik knows Cheryl already and he didn't FREAK out when he went out dancing with us....that was a good sign! Oh..and his rents are coming out from Cali next month and want to have dinner with Nik and I. It's nice not to have your boyfriends rents not like you for anything other then character flaws. I'm riding the wave on this one....let's see how far it goes. :)

Whirlwind

So since the last time I've blogged, so much has transpired. Some I can't speak about because it's too sensitive. But most has been good. I'm helping my friend Cheryl paint and remodel her house. I love painting. It gives me something to do where I can actually see my finished product right away, plus it's relaxing. Or maybe it was relaxing cuz we were drinking??? Whatever the case is, we finished her dining room and are moving on to her living room.

I ended a friendship yesterday. That was hard, but necessary. I felt completely betrayed beyond belief. I've worked so damn hard to come this far from my divorce and to have this situation thrown in my face was beyond unforgivable. This is all I'm saying on this subject.

My family is a mess. It seems like since my mom died, shit has just gone downhill fast. My dad called me around midnight last nite, asking me to "fix" a situation with Pinky. It's kinda hard to fix something when you're so far away. I felt completely helpless and spent yet another nite crying.

On the other hand, I've started a new friendship and it's been fun so far. Nick is a funny bastard and is a blast to hang around with. Although the 2 of us together, according to Tom, Nick's best friend, are trouble :) Did I even mention that Trouble was my middle name?!?!?!

Crying Asleep, Crying Awake......

The past 2 nights, I've had the strangest dreams. The day before yesterday I had a dream that had me literally crying. I dreamed my dad died. This is my worst fear. In my dream, I was walking towards his casket so I could see him one last time before it was time for him to be put into the ground, but I couldn't walk. I simply collapsed on the floor and was sobbing. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't talk, much less get up. I was paralyzed with the most heart-wrenching agony that I've never felt before. It felt like I was dying. Someone managed to pick me up and let me use their body as support. I couldn't tell who it was, only that is was a man. As we walked down to my dad's casket, I had to stop every few steps because my sobs were taking my strength. Every tear I cried was my life spilling from me. I couldn't go any further. Even in my dream, I couldn't see him in that box because that meant it was the end. It meant he would no longer be here with me. I simply could not make myself look at him. So I didn't go down any further then arms reach and because I didn't want to see him, I collapsed to the floor. I let my hand caress the casket as if willing him to get up for me. I could sense myself starting to panic in real life, so I kept telling myself this is a dream Rae, this is a dream....wake up. When I awoke, I was sobbing in real life too. My dream felt so real that for a moment I expected a family member to call and tell me my daddy had died. I had to pray to pull it together. I laid in bed crying for an hour, then I finally drifted back to sleep, while crying. I pray the day my daddy leaves this earth, I will have the strength to let him go.....but that hopefully won't be for a long, long, long time.

Last night's dream wasn't as traumatizing, but it was odd. I have been officially divorced for one year now. It's been a rough year. I still struggle with losing Matt, and wondering if that was the best decision, but there is nothing I can do now, but accept the life I have without him. It's not a bad life....just different. So my dream was about Matt last night. In my dream, he was holding me by my upper arms. He then gave me a huge hug and held my face while singing part of the song "Your Guardian Angel" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. "I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with your forever, I'll be there for you through it all...." And as he was singing, I was crying. They weren't tears of sadness, but of happiness. In my dream it felt like we were back together and this was his vow to me. As he finished with the 3rd line I went to kiss him and sang him the last verse...."Even if saving you sends me to heaven." This dream too was so vivid that when I woke up, I reached my hand over to feel Matt, but of course, he wasn't there.

Dreams...such strange creatures they are.

I Love You.

So...this past Saturday was lil black dress nite. It was amazing.

Today I have more on my mind then that though. I couldn't sleep yet again last nite, so I left my TV on really low, thinking that the background noise would soothe me. Right as I was falling asleep I heard about the plane crash. This is one of my biggest fears. To die in a plane crash. I'm not afraid to die, but afraid of the way I'm going to die. I want to die peacefully, not screaming and terrified. I don't want my final moments on earth with tears, as I would imagine a plane crash would do to me. When September 11th hit, I was in such a state of anguish. When I watched the 2nd plane hit the towers, I fell to the floor sobbing. No, I didn't know anyone that died, but my heart ached for the people on the plane. They knew they were going to die. I couldn't imagine the horror they felt. I thought about the mothers trying to comfort their very confused children. I thought about everyone on that plane, who wished they had the opportunity to say I love you, to their loved ones, just one last time. As I sat on the floor crying, I thought of the families left behind, who had to try to piece together their broken lives.

My heart aches today as I hear on the news about the newest plane crash in Buffalo. I hope the people on the plane were sleeping peacefully, reading, or doing something other then knowing they were going to crash. I hope they never felt one tiny bit of hurt or pain. I feel for the families left behind, who had their loved ones ripped away from them. Death is always a painful ordeal, but to have someone taken from you suddenly, it leaves a deeper hole. I guess that's why my dad would always tell me to "live each day as my last."

To the families who lost loved ones on Flight 3407, I can't even begin to understand the enormous amount of pain you are in. There are no words that I can say to ease that pain and saying I'm sorry for your loss, is such an asinine statement. So I will simply say, May each day that dawns bring you some peace.

Life is too short for us to worry about trivial things. We get so caught up in them, that we forget to cherish the people around us until something tragic like this happens. Make sure all the people around you know that you love and cherish them. We shouldn't be telling everyone at a funeral how much the person in the casket meant to us. At that point, it's too late. Yes, we are all going to have some kinds of regret when someone close to us dies, but we can eliminate that by acting as if each day were our last. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Not even our very next breath. So let each minute count.

To my family and friends who read my blog, I love you. Immensely. My life wouldn't be the same without you in it.

Because I'm one too!

So for those of you who didn't know, I nanny. At first I was a little apprehensive about nannying some random child that I don't know, but it's turned out to be a lot of fun. Will is a great kid and I really enjoy spending time with him. We are currently working on his reading, so I take him to the library once a week and we get as many books as he wants. Then, we come home and read the books together. Last night we read a book called One Witch. It basically went from 1-10 with various creatures in the book. When we got to 5, there were 5 vampires with fresh blood. (I know that sounds creepy but the whole book was like this..oh and it was totally suitable for kids!) I read that line to him and he looked at the picture. Then he looked up at me and said, "You're a vampire." There was no question in his voice, just a simple statement.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a sick love of vampires. I love everything about them. My love started at Will's age...in kindergarten and has only grown. My mom thought I was going to grow out of this "phase" but nope!! I looked at Will shocked because I have never, ever spoken of this love of vampires to him. I said, what?? He said again "you're a vampire." I asked him what made him say that. He looked around the kitchen and motioned for me to come close to him and he said in a conspirators whisper "cuz I'm one too!!!!" I wanted to laugh out loud, but the look in his eyes was so serious that I dare not. So I simply nodded once to him. He nodded back, then turned the page to his book.

I love this kid :)

Little Black Dress

I'm in a content mood today. Maybe it was the buckwheat pancakes with banana's (which I am quite surprised that they were actually good) or the fact that I slept really well last night. I had a weird dream about the x hubby last night that had me saying WTF?!?!? at 5:30 this am. The sun is shining and I'm enjoying life. I've decided to quit pressuring myself into being what I'm "supposed" to be or do and just live life day by day. What's the point of stressing over the future and missing out on the now??

I had a great conversation with Nate last night. I was happy to hear how happy he was and how great his Vegas trip went. Lucky bastard :)

So my gf Cheryl is throwing a birthday party for me this weekend. My birthday is in a few weeks but since it's so close to Valentines Day she decided to throw it early. This will be my first actual birthday party where I plan nothing. My x hubby would "throw" me one, but it was always me who called people and organized it. Cheryl is doing everything. I have no clue what I'm doing except for the only clue she gave me: lots of dancing and drinking. I've already made up my mind not to get wasted because I am going snowboarding on Sunday. Snowboarding while hung over in higher elevations is a nightmare! We are wearing little black dresses, which should be fun. I ordered mine and got it yesterday. It's a little more scandalous then I thought it was gonna be. It's very open back.......Yikes....I'm starting to chicken out of wearing it, but I'm excited for us 10 girls to have fun....I banned cameras :)

Opened Doors.

I'm on a high....I went to a luncheon yesterday at a school here in Denver that teaches dual-language. So by the time the kids leave elementary they are fluent in English and Spanish. This is exactly what I'm looking for. To help my gente get ahead in life. To show them that there is a way of life other then manual labor like our parents. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but to show them it's ok to want better.

I emailed the principal and asked her if I could help out. She said yes, there is a girl who is struggling in English and could I tutor her. Now, I haven't tutored before so I'm a little nervous about it, but my first hurdle to tackle was Janine. I nanny a sweet boy from 3:45-6. That entails picking him up from school, helping him with homework and maybe feeding him if he's hungry. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do both at the same time, that maybe Janine wouldn't want to share me. So I took a leap of faith and asked her if she minded if I did this. I would be willing to take Will with me to tutor. She emailed me back saying, please do this. This school is amazing and I want you to take this opportunity to get some school experience. She is amazing!!

So I start next Thursday. Again, I'm a little nervous but this is a new exciting chapter in my life. I'm actually getting to do what I want to and that's to teach children.

Killer Bunnies

This weekend has been pretty chill. I spend Friday night on the phone with my great friend Nate discussing life. I have been stuck on wine for a while now and the really nice guy at our liquor store recommended a red to me that I absolutely love. So I suggested it to Nate. Now, this red is classy and I was QUITE disturbed when he said, I think I'll try it while I'm playing some WOW. I almost wrecked my car for my outrage!!!!! :)

I learned a new game this weekend: Killer Bunnies. I'm addicted. Seriously addicted. It's so bad that I dreamed of the stupid game on the first night of playing it! This game can be so vicious and that's part of the fun. I was laughing so hard I almost had tears the first night, but then last night it wasn't so funny....I was so hurt at the move my friend did in the game to sabotage me, I had tears in my eyes. Of course he laughed so hard he snorted, which made me only more sad! I thought at that point, this is ridiculous that I'm tearing up over a damn game. But even in his sabotaging, I still won the game....again!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!

It's snowing pretty bad out now and I wish I were snowboarding, not stuck in this office. But I'm grateful for a good job, so I won't complain....much. I'm wishing that I had a bf to come home to on snowy nights....where dinner would be ready (chili or something hot) and we could snuggle while watching movies......

Birthday Tizzy.......

Yikes....it's been quite a while since I've blogged. I've been out of town, busy and out of touch....so let's get caught up. I went home for Christmas and New Years. It was everything I wanted it to be. So much so, in fact, that I have decided to move back home to Cali. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have made up my mind. Cali baby, here I come! I'm very excited about this decision. I have peace with it and though I'm going to miss tons of great friends that I have made here, I'm done with Colorado...or the "ca-ca hole" as my dad calls it!!!

I went snowboarding with some friends this past Wednesday and kicked ass. It was the best I have ever, ever done. Maybe it was because I had a great instructor, or maybe it was because I just quit thinking and let my body react. Whichever it was, it worked cuz damn!!

I'm in a weird spot personally though.....I'm not sure why. No, that's a lie. I do know why. Next month is my birthday, I'll be a year older and no where close to where I wanted to be. But I really have no one to blame but myself. I'm working on things but Prince Charming is no where to be found, that bastard. Maybe that's my fault too. I'm just so fuckin picky!! I want a man who is extremely strong and won't mind putting me in my place (I need that every now and then) and who will speak up his damn mind. What's so hard in saying, Rae, you pissed me off today and this is why???? Is that really so hard?? I want someone with tattoos and who loves them like I love them. Someone who will understand that I can go from greatest woman in the world to bitch in .01 seconds. (And he'll still love me.) Someone who will snuggle with me when I occasionally need it. Someone who will understand that for the most part, I'm not a needy girl. I can handle my own and I deal with my issues on my own by re-treating into myself. Someone who will understand that me doing that isn't personal. This is just how I function. Someone who will understand I might want a baby one month, then the next month it's out of the fuckin question. Someone who loves to snowboard but will move with me to Cali...... Can I bio-engineer this man???? I don't need him to save me, cuz I don't need saving, but just someone to be with....to love....forever.

It's 9ish and I'm here at work to distract myself from my mood. I've been so good for the past month but this stupid impending birthday has me in a tizzy. Stupid birthday. No, that's not being grateful that I might see another birthday....stupid me for letting myself be in a tizzy over my birthday.