Fully Alive

I need to start off my saying I LOVE my job....who else can listen to Tupac's 2 of America's Most Wanted, unedited?!?!? I can just imagine Nate shaking his head as he is reading this saying, Really Rae?!?!

So yesterday was a blah day. I felt so down and yucky. It started out great...I got to talk to Nate on his way to his job, which as always fun! But then I just got super sad, almost on the verge of tears. My best friend Cheryl was in the same mood so we concluded that we just need to spend some quality time together, her and I. I've been busy lately so I haven't had much time to see her. Nik takes up so much of my time....oh yeah...Nik.

Well, I'm dating Nik and it's going well so far. He understands me in ways that so many other people haven't or couldn't. I'm a complicated person that will one minute want you to hold me, but the very next moment won't want you to touch me. Yes, yes I know..I'm crazy. But Nik is the same exact way so it's a match made in dysfunctional heaven! I was confused for a moment on dating Nik. I'm so scared to give myself to someone. That's some scary shit! My last relationship was complicated but because of me. I was still not completely over the x hubby so there was that bullshit thrown in the mix. Now, I am completely over Matt. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy. So I don't have all these unresolved feelings brought into my relationship with Nik. So I'm a little freaked out. I like Nik, cuz I like Nik. I haven't felt this in a long time. Probably since Matt. Cheryl thinks I need to just let go of the damn rope and let myself fall. If I hit the floor and it ends badly, she'll always be there to scrape my ass up and help me thru. I think I'll follow her advice. We're having dinner together tomorrow the four of us to bond. Hopefully this goes well. Nik knows Cheryl already and he didn't FREAK out when he went out dancing with us....that was a good sign! Oh..and his rents are coming out from Cali next month and want to have dinner with Nik and I. It's nice not to have your boyfriends rents not like you for anything other then character flaws. I'm riding the wave on this one....let's see how far it goes. :)