False Start

I'm so restless today...almost antsy. Even my dreams were kinda weird. I was singing the song The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars....

"Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you.
Look in my eyes,
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you."

Although I really don't remember who I was singing to, but I was singing at the top of my lil lungs. I'm feeling as if there is something that I'm not supposed to do, but I'm dying to do it. It being..well...I'm not sure!!! UGH..how frustrating!! This is the part I hate about being patient. It's like I'm on the defensive line and getting called on a false start....I'm jumpy...trying to help myself, help myself!!! But I don't want to suffer the consequences of a 5 or 10 yard penalty. I have sooo much work to do today cuz I'm off for the rest of the week, but I can't seem to focus on anything......

Michael's

I came to figure out yesterday, that if I ever am a mother, I definitely won't be the Martha Stewart mom. I'd be the "let's get the baker to do that" kinda mom. My friend Jaymie was in Michael's trying to find cake decorating stuff so she could decorate a cake for a friends shower. When I asked her why can't we just get a baker to do this, I thought she would slap me! She was horrified! No, no, no.......we have to make it. We??? I stood in that aisle, totally confused at what fondant was and the millions of cookie cutters, icing dye, which is apparently different then regular food dye, and recipes there were. I literally had to sit down in the middle of the aisle to catch by breathe! After collecting what she thought "we" would need, we left the store and I was still slightly confused at why in the world we needed $57 worth of "stuff"! Again....can't we just get a baker to do this?? My poor future kids.

Ramen and Wienes and Bananas...OH MY!!!!

Yesterday was a great day. After work I called my sister Izma and was letting her know all the breakthroughs I've been having. While talking with her my other lil sister Pinky called me. I told her I was on the phone with Izma and she called her. She called me back when Izma told her she was talking to me...so we decided to conference her in. Well, 3 hours later we're still talking. It's great to have people in your life that will always love you now matter how many times you fall, or completely screw up. Both of them made me feel loved and I'm so excited to go home and be with family. I'm bummed Izma can't come home but I understand why. I'm glad my parents taught us the value of family. I feel sad for people who don't realize what they have in sister or brothers. They are missing out on best friends, on cheerleaders on shoulders they can lean on when your burden gets too tough to carry alone. I love my family so much.

Pinky and Izma don't knock the ramen and wienes till you try it!! Izma, back away from the bananas.....

Crossroads

The past few days have been pretty quiet, which I am grateful for. Usually my life is this huge whirlwind. I am like a fast moving tornado and don't know how to just be still. But lately I've just been hanging out at home, ignoring the relentless phone calls and text messages. I find myself at a crossroads. Which way to go?? I feel this is a huge turning point in my life. Do I go left? What's down that road? Should I go right?? Is that the better way?? Hmmmm....such a conundrum. So in the mean time, since I don't have a clear direction of which road to travel, I am sitting cross-legged, with my elbows on my knees, my face in my hands at the fork in the road, just waiting. Now, if you know me, you know that I am not the most patient of people. Patience is not a virtue that I have. So this sitting thing is new for me. How long will I be able to sit? How long can I be still? I'm sure there will be some days where I will be screaming at the forks in the road, demanding them to tell me where to go. I'll probably take a few stumbling steps towards one of the roads, but because I am so tired of the mistakes in my life, of "guessing" which road to go down, I will sit back down and wait until I am moved into the right direction.

Part of this sitting at the road, is also me making the decision not to date for a year. Not that I'm angry with men, but I'm trying to heal myself completely. I don't want to bring another person down my dark whole. It's not fair for these guys to fall so completely in love with me, only to have me say, Yeah...this isn't working for me. I refuse to hurt one more person in the quest to find myself. So many people use another person to get over their hurt and they fully can't give themselves to their mate. I don't want that anymore. What's the point of using another human as a stepping stone? As a security blanket when you know you can't give yourself fully to them? Why waste your time that way? When I love again, because I know I will, I want to give myself wholly, completely, and without reservations. But how can I love again, when others have tiny pieces to my heart?? I need to get those back so I can give one entire heart to the next man in my life......

Bittersweet

Today is my x hubby's birthday. I walked outside this morning to drive to work and it's snowing. It reminded me of the days when we were together when we would go snowboarding for the weekend for his birthday. Today is so bittersweet for me. I think of the good times and remind myself, gently that we had bad times too. Will this hurt ever go away??

Dangerous Games

My mind is racing in a milion different directions. I'm playing a dangerous game that I fear I will lose. I think I'm more distrubed that I WANT to play this game. A game that could possibly crush and destroy me, but that has the possibility of giving me a few moments of bliss and ecstasy.......Like Julia Roberts said in Steel Magnolias: I'd rather have 5 minutes of wonderful then a lifetime of nothing special........but can my heart take it??