Hmmmmmmm........

No truer words have been spoken.

Sup!

 

I can't really complain about my life. I'm doing really well in school (got inducted into an honor society!!), work is work (blah...but there is light at the end of the tunnel) and my r'ship with Vegas has been going strong for over a year now. We moved in together (forget my previous post of not moving in before getting married) and we got a dog named C (forget my OTHER post about dogs...LOL!). So why do I feel unsettled? Why do I feel like something is missing? I feel completely restless. Shit. Fuck. I know where this feeling usually leads: I end up doing something super self-destructive. God...save me from myself!!

My girlfriend from Vegas is coming back to the 303 this weekend and I'm pretty stoked about that. We plan on doing happy hour...then will go where the fickle winds take us. She's a pretty chill girl that I met at my job and we ended up becoming good friends. Her family is pretty dope.

Don Omar is still around. Yes, yes I know that's dangerous, so don't judge me. It's been 6 years. I'm trying to sort all that out. Some shit went down on Saturday night that I'm still trying to process. It's got my head all fucked up. ALL FUCKED UP. Maybe I deserve to be judged. I AM after all, being fuckin dumb.

My boss keeps giving me the evil eye. Better get back at it. I simply wanted to say: Sup!

The Return

Holy moly macaroni it's been a while since I've unleashed my ramblings on the world! Hi! Hello! My goodness it's been a while. Even though this may be true, there really hasn't been THAT much change in my life. Unless you consider me and Arvada boy splitting. Yes, yes...it's true. The last time I wrote things seemed to be getting better but that was almost 9 months ago but alas it was to be short lived. Things just weren't quite right between us. There wasn't any fighting, arguing or yelling but there wasn't that passion either. We were just going along on a road, always knowing that at the end of it there would be a fork to which we would go our own ways. What's the point of being with someone just for companionship if you know it's not gonna work?? I'm good on that, so I left. We're still really good friends and occasionally hang out. I love his family still. They love me, so we still get together for family dinners.

I'm moving to a different part of the city. The burbs weren't horrid but it's so far from my job and school. I want to be somewhat closer to civilization. I'm going apartment hunting on Saturday and am excited about it.

I have a secret. But I'm not telling. Not yet. I want to keep this close to my heart and savor it for just a while. When I decide to come out with it you'll be the first to know, I promise!

I've got a paper to write, so ta-ta for now :)

Random Little Things....

I'm completely in love with my life. Since the last time I've blogged several things have changed. My Giant (Arvada Boy) has moved up to the burbs and so have I. No, we aren't living together. I know that concept is foreign to a lot of people and we actually catch a lot of grief from it from a surprising source: his family! I just don't want to cheat myself out of a wedding. What's to stop my Giant from telling me: well, we live together and act like we're married, and in my heart I FEEL married. What's a ring and a piece of paper have to do this us? Since I really kinda like him, I don't wanna cut him :) I live about 3 miles from him so it's nice to be close. At first I thought living in the burbs was gonna suck but I REALLY like it. I like listening to the crickets outside my bedroom window instead of the drunks screaming and yelling. I like being able to walk my neighborhood late at night and don't have to worry about the junkies in the allies or being harassed by the drunks stumbling down the streets. Yes, the burbs have their problems too, I know this but I am enjoying living there.

My relationship with my Giant hasn't been this great in a while. Since his move, he's been so much happier! YAY! And even when things get him down, he's quicker at telling me what is wrong, instead of bottling all that inside of him.

It's the little random things in life that I love: Like my Giant reaching over to hold my hand while we're watching a movie. Him scaring the mess outta me when I'm getting dressed in the am, and am walking around in undies by reaching out to smack me in the booty as I walk by. Him laughing as he rolls over to go back to sleep and says: That was a good one! Or saying crazy things like we're getting married in Vegas. Things like my girlfriend in Cali who sends me a random text that simply says: *hugs* or my Tennessee girl who will text me an: "i love you!".

Sometimes I'm scared what I'm experiencing right now is the calm before the storm. Either way, I'm relishing in life and couldn't be happier.

The Motherless

I'm currently breaking one of the Ten Commandments. The 10th one to be exact: "....Thou shalt not covet anything that is your neighbors." No, I'm not coveting my neighbors house, car, or fame. It's way more important than that. I'm coveting his mom.

Mother's day is the day you get to hold your mom, tell her how much you love her and shower her with gifts. But what about those of us who are Motherless? What happens to us? We get to quietly watch all of you with a pain in our hearts that we don't speak about. Every commercial reminding us about Sunday is like a waterfall of grief that showers over us again and again.  It's an indescribable pain to not have a mom. Those phone calls of small talk, the I love you's and even the admonishments that are no longer there leave a pain that doesn't leave you. Yes, over time it abates but it never fully goes away. You learn how to live with it. You would think that after almost 4 years of Mother's day's I would know how to deal with this coming up weekend but it doesn't get easier.

I have a girlfriend who just a couple of months ago lost her mom suddenly. The Motherless Club used to be a member of 1, but now unfortunately it's a member of 2. So this year we are going to go up to the mountains and watch the sunrise while drinking Starbucks (my mom's favorite java) and probably cry a ton. I'm thinking of next year inviting as many motherless on Mother's day and am gonna call it The Motherless Daughter/Son Day . There is strength and comfort in the sharing of our grief. Not to mention the therapeutic benefit knowing that there are people out there who understand you on that level.

To all of you who don't have a mommy to hold on Mother's Day and don't have a grave to visit, take your mother's favorite flower and place it in your local lake, the mountains or just someplace that is special to you in her honor. Take comfort in knowing that there are 2 of us who will be doing this with you.

Poke the Bear....If you Dare...BUT Don't Get Pissed When You Get Hurt....

I don't know what's up with people today. I'm currently in the process of having another argument with a friend over the fact that we don't talk everyday. What the bakers fuck is that?!? I'm NOT your girlfriend. Hell, I don't even really talk to my man everyday so what makes this guy so special?? I don't understand that. What makes some people so damn needy?

My best girlfriend lives in New York and I only talk to her once a week. NOT everyday. She knows I'm busy with school and I know she's busy with work and being preggo. My girlfriend Chi-Town is just as close to me and we dont' talk everyday either. Then there's Tennessee...that girl is like a sister to me and knows all of what's going on in my life but not even WE talk everyday!!!! Then what pisses me off more is that people have the NERVE to come to me and say I'm being a shitty friend cuz I don't have time for them everyday. GET A FUCKING HOBBY. The ONLY people I talk to daily are my family and a few friends who happen to reach out to me first and I'll reply.

Here's part of the problem: I'm honest and then feelings are hurt. Like I told this "friend" tell me your definition of what friendship should be and at that point I will let you know if I can A.) live up to it or B.) have the desire to live up to it. And that makes ME the bitch. Well so what. I guess I'm the bitch then. I don't want friendships that are exhausting. I don't want to keep feeling like I HAVE to talk to you everyfuckingday. Get a dog if you're lonely. Find a charity to volunteer with. I'm NOT you're court jester. No, you can't vicariously live thru me. Get your own life. I hope I have made myself perfectly clear but in case I haven't: to the people who expect more from me then what I'm able to give: GO FUCK YOURSELF. Hope that was clear enough.

When I go home, I'm turning off my phone. I need a break from everyone.

If You Don't Know....I'll Just Tell You!

Today has been a hell of a day! Talk about going from lows to highs to lows and highs!

So let's start with yesterday. I hung out with Arvada's family and that was a ton of fun. I got to his rents house early to help with the meal. Just me and his parents got to talk and that was eye-opening. I really do love his family so much. My baby brother called to talk to me so I stepped to the end of the kitchen to talk to him. I could hear most everyone in the family there and it sounded like pure chaos..aka heaven. I asked to talk to my nephew "David" but in the process I talked to most of my sisters who kept telling me that I should be there. I was trying SO hard to keep it together. Then my girl Tennessee text me that she loved me and I thought I was gonna lose my shit. I love you more Tennessee!!! When I turned back around after my 10 min conversation with all the family Arvada's mom had tears in her eyes. She told me that she loved how my family was. I told her that I was holding on by a string so please be so very gentle. She walked over and asked to give me a hug and I said ok..as long as it was like a 2 second hug. She hugged me and said she was so happy that I was in their family too. Was she TRYING to make me cry!?!?! LOL! We had an Easter Egg hunt for adults that had money in the eggs. At one point, I MAY or MAY NOT have pushed Arvada's younger brother out of the way to get an egg that had a dollar in it. Hey..a dollar is a dollar dude!! I called my sister and was telling her how The Cowboy and I saw the egg and were both running towards it. My sisters said: "Oh hell. Did you hurt him?" Again, I MAY or MAY NOT have pushed over some nieces and nephews to get candy after a pinata was broken open :) I plead the 5th!

So after we went to Arvada's mom's house we went to his aunt and uncle's house and stayed there til around 7pm or so. After that we saw Poppa and on my way home I called my sister again and my big brother answered the phone. It was soooo good talking to him and we laughed for around 10 minutes til he handed/threw the phone to my sister Chapay. The FIRST thing I told my brother was...OMG..u answered our sister's phone?!?! This is a cardinal sin. It will get you cut. My sister is a freak about people not answering or even touching her damn phone. I was scared for his life!! I heard my sister in the background laughing with another one and before she could even say anything my brother said: "Loca was calling so I had to answer ur phone..I'm sorry!!!!!" Then I heard my sister say: "WTF?!?!?!....hello?" I asked what happened to my brother...she said he threw the phone at her and ran out!!! He may be a gangsta but the girls in this family are crazy! My entire family and extended family got together and were playing volleyball until around 9:30pm. I called and spoke to my dad today who had a hoarse voice from laughing and yelling all night. I sooo wish I had been there.

Then today...I was still really homesick and was just in an over-all foul mood. Then I had to deal with a vendor that I truly think is an idiot. Well, I told one of my co-workers that in an email but instead of replying to just that person I replied to ALL. Yes, that's right. I also included the vendor who I thought was an idiot and I was telling her that I thought she was an idiot. D'OH!!!!! I totally thought I was gonna be fired for that so I called my sister Chapay, who was laughing so ridiculously hard that it made me laugh. She reminded me that it wasn't MY fault this girl was an idiot but didn't know that so I had to tell her. We joked about how if I did get fired how I'd pack my bags and would just show up at my dad's house. We were trying to figure out all the expressions my dad would say and holy hell was that funny! There's nothing like thinking you're gonna be fired, then calling family who makes you laugh about you thinking you're getting fired. My sister made me feel better and made the point that if I did get canned the worst that could happen was me coming home. Boy wouldn't THAT suck!?!?!!? I didn't get fired. I confessed to my boss who was doubled over laughin so hard she had tears coming down her face. Phew! Saved by the boss's sick sense of humor!!!

So counting today I only have 40 more days!!! YAY!!! I booked my flight to go home and I am ridiculously beyond excited! I even pretended to have a lil white hankie and was jumping around in my office doing my "Hallelujah I'm Going Home" dance...LOL! Good thing no one walked in as I was getting down by myself!

40 days friends. 40 days.

Has it been 40 days yet?!?!?!