Changes

Fall is in the air!!! Yay!!! Don't get me wrong, I effen love the summer but I love fall more. It's my favorite time of the year. That's when the hoodies, sweaters and baking come out. I don't really bake during the summer cuz it's too damn hot, but during the fall?? There is nothing better then smelling goodies baking and snuggling on the couch. I tolerate the winter. The only thing that makes winter bearable is that I get to snowboard. But other then that perk, I'm not fond of winter. The air is getting cooler and it's starting to get a nice crisp to it at nite. I took out one of my big blankets the other nite and have now put that on my bed. Fall means Halloween....YAY!!! This year Cap and I have narrowed down our choices to two: to either be Dorothy and the Lion or we're gonna be Laverne and Shirley.

Fall also means.....school. Yep folks, I've done it. I've decided to get off my ass and get in gear with my life. I'm tired of not being where I want to be, so I enrolled in school again. I think since I was so gung-ho, that I might have bitten more then I can chew. I'm taking an intermediate algebra class, a children's lit (that's on Saturdays....gasp!!) and an integrated science class that is a mixture of physics and chemistry. WTF am I thinking?!?!?! I just want to get done as quickly as possible and be a teacher already!! I'm not getting any younger and it's totally dumb to waste my life on stuff that I shouldn't be doing. Especially since I KNOW what I want from life. Talk about waste! So, I'm now in the college ways. I'm excited, but nervous as well. I'm one week closer to my goal :)

The Voice

Why do I have to be the single girl with morals?! Damn those morals!!! Life would be so much easier without a conscience. Without constantly having to hear the small voice saying "I wouldn't do that, Rae." "Not a good decision." "No!!" or my favorite "Those consequences are gonna suck if you go down this road." Why can't I not care?? Why can't I just do whatever the fuk I want to? Why do I get to be the only one with fuckin standards that are apparently way too high. My friend Mike said the other day that he was gonna lower his standards and up the quantity of women in his life. Why can't I do that, without having the voice pester me?!?! UGH!! Even know as I'm writing this I feel bad cuz I know I shouldn't feel this way...but I do. So again...there is guilt. I'm constantly drowning in it. Life fuckin sucks sometimes.

Going Under

Fuk, can today get any worse?!?!?!?! Fuck me running, I'm so confused. I feel like I'm being pulled into 5 million directions when all I want to do is stop and not listen or hear anything or anybody. I can't even hear myself think amidst all the shit raging around me. I feel like I'm being dragged under a wave and as I come up for air, there is another one ready to crash me. I feel myself being enticed by the numbing agents that always worked before. I want to drive and drive and drive. No, my life doesn't suck. People do. People who can't say what they want. I'm slowly going under and this time, I don't fuckin care....I'm letting myself go.

Fully Alive

I need to start off my saying I LOVE my job....who else can listen to Tupac's 2 of America's Most Wanted, unedited?!?!? I can just imagine Nate shaking his head as he is reading this saying, Really Rae?!?!

So yesterday was a blah day. I felt so down and yucky. It started out great...I got to talk to Nate on his way to his job, which as always fun! But then I just got super sad, almost on the verge of tears. My best friend Cheryl was in the same mood so we concluded that we just need to spend some quality time together, her and I. I've been busy lately so I haven't had much time to see her. Nik takes up so much of my time....oh yeah...Nik.

Well, I'm dating Nik and it's going well so far. He understands me in ways that so many other people haven't or couldn't. I'm a complicated person that will one minute want you to hold me, but the very next moment won't want you to touch me. Yes, yes I know..I'm crazy. But Nik is the same exact way so it's a match made in dysfunctional heaven! I was confused for a moment on dating Nik. I'm so scared to give myself to someone. That's some scary shit! My last relationship was complicated but because of me. I was still not completely over the x hubby so there was that bullshit thrown in the mix. Now, I am completely over Matt. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy. So I don't have all these unresolved feelings brought into my relationship with Nik. So I'm a little freaked out. I like Nik, cuz I like Nik. I haven't felt this in a long time. Probably since Matt. Cheryl thinks I need to just let go of the damn rope and let myself fall. If I hit the floor and it ends badly, she'll always be there to scrape my ass up and help me thru. I think I'll follow her advice. We're having dinner together tomorrow the four of us to bond. Hopefully this goes well. Nik knows Cheryl already and he didn't FREAK out when he went out dancing with us....that was a good sign! Oh..and his rents are coming out from Cali next month and want to have dinner with Nik and I. It's nice not to have your boyfriends rents not like you for anything other then character flaws. I'm riding the wave on this one....let's see how far it goes. :)

Whirlwind

So since the last time I've blogged, so much has transpired. Some I can't speak about because it's too sensitive. But most has been good. I'm helping my friend Cheryl paint and remodel her house. I love painting. It gives me something to do where I can actually see my finished product right away, plus it's relaxing. Or maybe it was relaxing cuz we were drinking??? Whatever the case is, we finished her dining room and are moving on to her living room.

I ended a friendship yesterday. That was hard, but necessary. I felt completely betrayed beyond belief. I've worked so damn hard to come this far from my divorce and to have this situation thrown in my face was beyond unforgivable. This is all I'm saying on this subject.

My family is a mess. It seems like since my mom died, shit has just gone downhill fast. My dad called me around midnight last nite, asking me to "fix" a situation with Pinky. It's kinda hard to fix something when you're so far away. I felt completely helpless and spent yet another nite crying.

On the other hand, I've started a new friendship and it's been fun so far. Nick is a funny bastard and is a blast to hang around with. Although the 2 of us together, according to Tom, Nick's best friend, are trouble :) Did I even mention that Trouble was my middle name?!?!?!

Crying Asleep, Crying Awake......

The past 2 nights, I've had the strangest dreams. The day before yesterday I had a dream that had me literally crying. I dreamed my dad died. This is my worst fear. In my dream, I was walking towards his casket so I could see him one last time before it was time for him to be put into the ground, but I couldn't walk. I simply collapsed on the floor and was sobbing. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't talk, much less get up. I was paralyzed with the most heart-wrenching agony that I've never felt before. It felt like I was dying. Someone managed to pick me up and let me use their body as support. I couldn't tell who it was, only that is was a man. As we walked down to my dad's casket, I had to stop every few steps because my sobs were taking my strength. Every tear I cried was my life spilling from me. I couldn't go any further. Even in my dream, I couldn't see him in that box because that meant it was the end. It meant he would no longer be here with me. I simply could not make myself look at him. So I didn't go down any further then arms reach and because I didn't want to see him, I collapsed to the floor. I let my hand caress the casket as if willing him to get up for me. I could sense myself starting to panic in real life, so I kept telling myself this is a dream Rae, this is a dream....wake up. When I awoke, I was sobbing in real life too. My dream felt so real that for a moment I expected a family member to call and tell me my daddy had died. I had to pray to pull it together. I laid in bed crying for an hour, then I finally drifted back to sleep, while crying. I pray the day my daddy leaves this earth, I will have the strength to let him go.....but that hopefully won't be for a long, long, long time.

Last night's dream wasn't as traumatizing, but it was odd. I have been officially divorced for one year now. It's been a rough year. I still struggle with losing Matt, and wondering if that was the best decision, but there is nothing I can do now, but accept the life I have without him. It's not a bad life....just different. So my dream was about Matt last night. In my dream, he was holding me by my upper arms. He then gave me a huge hug and held my face while singing part of the song "Your Guardian Angel" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. "I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with your forever, I'll be there for you through it all...." And as he was singing, I was crying. They weren't tears of sadness, but of happiness. In my dream it felt like we were back together and this was his vow to me. As he finished with the 3rd line I went to kiss him and sang him the last verse...."Even if saving you sends me to heaven." This dream too was so vivid that when I woke up, I reached my hand over to feel Matt, but of course, he wasn't there.

Dreams...such strange creatures they are.

I Love You.

So...this past Saturday was lil black dress nite. It was amazing.

Today I have more on my mind then that though. I couldn't sleep yet again last nite, so I left my TV on really low, thinking that the background noise would soothe me. Right as I was falling asleep I heard about the plane crash. This is one of my biggest fears. To die in a plane crash. I'm not afraid to die, but afraid of the way I'm going to die. I want to die peacefully, not screaming and terrified. I don't want my final moments on earth with tears, as I would imagine a plane crash would do to me. When September 11th hit, I was in such a state of anguish. When I watched the 2nd plane hit the towers, I fell to the floor sobbing. No, I didn't know anyone that died, but my heart ached for the people on the plane. They knew they were going to die. I couldn't imagine the horror they felt. I thought about the mothers trying to comfort their very confused children. I thought about everyone on that plane, who wished they had the opportunity to say I love you, to their loved ones, just one last time. As I sat on the floor crying, I thought of the families left behind, who had to try to piece together their broken lives.

My heart aches today as I hear on the news about the newest plane crash in Buffalo. I hope the people on the plane were sleeping peacefully, reading, or doing something other then knowing they were going to crash. I hope they never felt one tiny bit of hurt or pain. I feel for the families left behind, who had their loved ones ripped away from them. Death is always a painful ordeal, but to have someone taken from you suddenly, it leaves a deeper hole. I guess that's why my dad would always tell me to "live each day as my last."

To the families who lost loved ones on Flight 3407, I can't even begin to understand the enormous amount of pain you are in. There are no words that I can say to ease that pain and saying I'm sorry for your loss, is such an asinine statement. So I will simply say, May each day that dawns bring you some peace.

Life is too short for us to worry about trivial things. We get so caught up in them, that we forget to cherish the people around us until something tragic like this happens. Make sure all the people around you know that you love and cherish them. We shouldn't be telling everyone at a funeral how much the person in the casket meant to us. At that point, it's too late. Yes, we are all going to have some kinds of regret when someone close to us dies, but we can eliminate that by acting as if each day were our last. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Not even our very next breath. So let each minute count.

To my family and friends who read my blog, I love you. Immensely. My life wouldn't be the same without you in it.