Pain

I hate that I STILL miss him. Will this pain EVER go away??

Real Life Vampire........

I feel you sucking the life outta me and I don't know how to stop it. I'm slowly dying while you get better. How is this fair? You walk around so happy that today is a good day for you....you were able to banish your demon last night, but do you realize that you stole my energy in your banishing?? Do you see that I'm slowly disappearing before you? Do you see that I've lost a dress size not from exercise but from stress?? Obviously that fact that I work full-time, go to school full-time and have about 15 hours of homework a week doesn't stop you from keeping me up until 1 in the morning when you know I have to be up at 3:45am. You are so good at trying to sweep shit under the rug, do you see how big that pile is getting? It's becoming a huge mountain that is going to come to a head soon. Boiling point is 100 degrees C. My breaking point is coming very soon and my guess is that this will come completely out of left field for you. And this will be the excuse you give the world for you giving into your demon. It's HER fault. I can't wait for the shoe to drop anymore. I'm wasting away, wasting my life, wasting good energy on someone who is too blind to care for themselves so why should I give a flying fuck?! Chris told me last night it's because I'm too good of a person to walk away from someone who is hurting. The crazy thing is, he didn't have a clue of what is going on. All he said is so and so looks good since you've been their friend.....but you look tired and worn down. Are you ok?? Wake up call. How good of a person am I to let myself be taken under?? I guess that's the real question. How much do I love MYSELF to walk away?? To not be your friend anymore.?? What's hard for me is to try to not feel guilty if you give into your demon. It's your decision and I need to keep reminding myself of that........will someone please help me remind myself of that??

I need.........

More then mediocrity.

Pre-Dawn Church

Due to going to school now and working full-time, I find that I'm pretty exhuasted at the end of the day. I just want to do homework and go to bed. So, in order to keep myself in somewhat decent shape I've been running. Well, trying to get in shape is one reason but the other reason is because I'm running the 5K Race for the Cure this year in honor of a good friend of mine who is currently fighting breast cancer. I don't want to embarrass myself by running 3 miles in 2 hours! The only time I can find that I can run is in the morning. Pre-morning actually. I run at 4:30am so I can be at work by 7 to get out by 5 and be done with school around 7. Yes, it's brutal and there are mornings, like this one, where tears came to my eyes because I just wanted to stay in bed. But, I dragged myself out of bed and ran around Rocky Mountain Lake Park. I think I finally started to wake up after running half a mile. It was so beautiful and peaceful and during this run I vowed to myself that I would not allow anyone or anything to get in the way of me accomplishing my dreams, including myself. I am too much of a free spirit to be locked away in an office doing computer work all day long. It stifles my inner child and she MUST be allowed to run free every once in a while or she gets very irritable!!

Running is so cleansing to me. With every step I take, I imagine sloughing off all my worries, cares, burdens, stresses and leaving them where I just ran and moving forward to clean beginnings. It's almost like going to church to me. I love running until I feel the sweat run down the back of my knees. I know, I know....that's gross and all, but I see that as getting rid of all the impurities I've put on myself. I run until my lungs scream for breath and when I think I can't run anymore, I set a new goal. Ok, Rae....run to that trash can. You can do it!! And then I force myself to get there and once I'm there, I set a new goal. Only when I feel that I'm going to damn near pass out will I stop pushing my body and walk for a while to lower my heartrate and then I'll run again. I love the adrenaline that's running thru my body as I'm running. I love that in a few months I'll look bomb-diggity. I love that I can be dedicated even though it's so hard. A good friend said to me the other morning that I was one of the most ambitious and dedicated people that he's ever met. That was nice to hear. As I write this blog now, I feel like running. Maybe I'll throw on those Nike's..................

Changes

Fall is in the air!!! Yay!!! Don't get me wrong, I effen love the summer but I love fall more. It's my favorite time of the year. That's when the hoodies, sweaters and baking come out. I don't really bake during the summer cuz it's too damn hot, but during the fall?? There is nothing better then smelling goodies baking and snuggling on the couch. I tolerate the winter. The only thing that makes winter bearable is that I get to snowboard. But other then that perk, I'm not fond of winter. The air is getting cooler and it's starting to get a nice crisp to it at nite. I took out one of my big blankets the other nite and have now put that on my bed. Fall means Halloween....YAY!!! This year Cap and I have narrowed down our choices to two: to either be Dorothy and the Lion or we're gonna be Laverne and Shirley.

Fall also means.....school. Yep folks, I've done it. I've decided to get off my ass and get in gear with my life. I'm tired of not being where I want to be, so I enrolled in school again. I think since I was so gung-ho, that I might have bitten more then I can chew. I'm taking an intermediate algebra class, a children's lit (that's on Saturdays....gasp!!) and an integrated science class that is a mixture of physics and chemistry. WTF am I thinking?!?!?! I just want to get done as quickly as possible and be a teacher already!! I'm not getting any younger and it's totally dumb to waste my life on stuff that I shouldn't be doing. Especially since I KNOW what I want from life. Talk about waste! So, I'm now in the college ways. I'm excited, but nervous as well. I'm one week closer to my goal :)

The Voice

Why do I have to be the single girl with morals?! Damn those morals!!! Life would be so much easier without a conscience. Without constantly having to hear the small voice saying "I wouldn't do that, Rae." "Not a good decision." "No!!" or my favorite "Those consequences are gonna suck if you go down this road." Why can't I not care?? Why can't I just do whatever the fuk I want to? Why do I get to be the only one with fuckin standards that are apparently way too high. My friend Mike said the other day that he was gonna lower his standards and up the quantity of women in his life. Why can't I do that, without having the voice pester me?!?! UGH!! Even know as I'm writing this I feel bad cuz I know I shouldn't feel this way...but I do. So again...there is guilt. I'm constantly drowning in it. Life fuckin sucks sometimes.

Going Under

Fuk, can today get any worse?!?!?!?! Fuck me running, I'm so confused. I feel like I'm being pulled into 5 million directions when all I want to do is stop and not listen or hear anything or anybody. I can't even hear myself think amidst all the shit raging around me. I feel like I'm being dragged under a wave and as I come up for air, there is another one ready to crash me. I feel myself being enticed by the numbing agents that always worked before. I want to drive and drive and drive. No, my life doesn't suck. People do. People who can't say what they want. I'm slowly going under and this time, I don't fuckin care....I'm letting myself go.