Wing Tuesday

I'm in a good mood today. I totally shouldn't be though cuz my head is effen KILLING me. I carry all my stress in my shoulders so I tend to get tension headaches a lot. But, other then my head/shoulders hurting, I'm in a great mood. I went home last night,cleaned my place, did my laundry and a lil homework. You can tell how I'm doing in life by the condition my apartment is in. Sad, but true. Messy apt= messy life. Clean apt= relatively clean life.

My tattoo is healing really well and is starting to peel now. I was a little freaked out by that cuz it's scary to watch the ink leave your body. I don't want to have to have it touched-up, but if I absolutely have too, then I will. I'll be excited to be able to wear a bra too! Right now I can't cuz the tatt is right on my bra line and I'm NOT messing it up. And I can't wait to run!! It's getting nicer and nicer outside and running keeps calling me.

I have a pretty busy week and am grateful for that. I hate being bored or staying in the damn house all the time. I don't understand people who do that: sit at home on the couch all day/evening. I did that this weekend but that was cuz I was letting my tattoo heal. Other than that, I'm always out of my house, in the sun, while enjoying the company of friends.

I have class tonight and I'm excited for that. Weird, huh? AND it's my math class. It's amazing how one teacher can make all the difference in the world. I've only missed 2 classes this semester but last semester I missed a ton cuz I didn't care for the teaching style of my teacher. Dr. C is a great teacher who will let us ask as many questions as we need to and won't make us feel dumb. It helps that I'm tutoring....oh...can you believe that? I'm tutoring. In Math. Wow. Miracles never cease!

Today I get to hang with my boy Nigeria and we're going to go have wings. Mmmmmmm....wings.

Pain Therapy

Soooo, I went and did it. I got my PAIN/LOVE ambigram tattoo on Friday night. Friday was pretty rough for me so it was necessary for me to feel pain. I know, I know that sounds bad. Don't judge me. Some people eat chocolate to make themselves feel better, others need to cry, while I need to feel physical pain. Everyone is different, right?

So I go to my tatt artist who thinks I'm completely crazy and asked him to tatt me up. After telling me the ribs are one of the most painful spots on our bodies he agreed to do it, since I wanted it. This was my first huge piece. I have one small one on each of my wrists and then a small one on my right hip. Go big or go home, right? So after 2 hours of squeezing the shit out of Sweets S's hand, swearing in Spanish, moaning, praying and yes, even some laughter, my tattoo was done. During the most painful parts I kept reminding myself why I was doing this. I mentally spoke quite a bit to my mom and that seemed to get me through. My heart is tattooed as is now, my body. Did this therapy session help me? I think so. At least for now it did.

Love/Pain. Pain/Love. Is there a difference?

The Bane of My Existence.....

Happy Friday!!!!! Or is it?!?!?

There was some traffic coming into work and I glanced ahead of my car wondering what the hold up was when I saw someone dressed in their uniform. His back was to me so at first I couldn't really tell who it was, but so what...it was a simple hotel employee. Until...he started to walk. I'd recognize that walk anywhere. And those broad shoulders. Along with the brown curly hair that pokes out from the hat. My heart kinda skipped a beat and I immediately started trying to find my escape route. The right lane had traffic that wouldn't let me over...bastards. Then this guy started to walk towards my car. When we locked eyes, he stopped and just stared at me and then waved, while smiling. Shit. Shit. Shit. Great. Wonderful. I smiled back at him and waved hi. He then got distracted and turned around. Luckily there was a break in traffic in the right lane, so I took it and boned out. As I looked in my rear-view mirror I watched him watching me drive away. He stood in that place for a couple seconds, then dropped his head and looked at the ground. When I saw him do that, I felt kinda bad that I took the cowards way out by running away, so I thought about going around the block to talk to him. Was I strong enough for that? I didn't know but I was gonna try it until the damn song we danced to as husband and wife at our wedding reception came on. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Wow. Talk about a slice to the heart. Like I've said earlier...I'm getting better. I can now, 4 years later, listen to this song and not so completely fall apart. I'm getting better but I'm still not fully healed. Will I ever be? I don't know. How do you stop loving the person you loved with your entire existence? Again, I don't know, but I hope that I will. I can say that I will always love Matthew. Always. Which is completely annoying.

My friends got a puppy and they named him Onyx. Ok, Jesus. What are you trying to tell me? To anyone that name wouldn't be such a big deal but to me it's huge. My dog with Matt was named Aunix. Onyx looks exactly like my Aunix. They could pass as brother and sister. When I went over to their house yesterday, I saw this puppy and he saw me. I just kinda sat on the floor and let him come to me. He cautiously came over and he did the strangest thing: he just stared at me in the eyes for 10 full seconds, then climbed into my lap and placed his head on my shoulder. Aunix used to do that to me. I just hugged boy Onxy and tried really, really, really hard not to cry. It's as if I'm reliving my life with Matt in so many ways. Every time I say Onyx I think of my sweet baby girl, who I miss so much and think of her all the time. I wish I could go to my evil MIL's house and take back my baby, but it would be cruel. To MIL, Aunix and Fluffy, the other dog.

I want a puppy so badly but I feel as if I'm cheating on Aunix. I've only had to give away 2 dogs in my life and that pain is horrible as well. Aunix was the worst cuz she was there with me during my divorce. She would sit in my lap and lick every single tear that fell. She would put her head on my shoulder and whimper in my ear asking, what is wrong, mama?? She would let me just hold her as sobs racked my body and I couldn't understand what was going on with my life. She was my rock.

I'm going to get a new tattoo that's an ambigram: Love is Pain/Pain is Love. No 3 words have ever been so true. The only friend I have who understands that is Tennessee. Girl, I love you more than you know.

Happy Friday, peeps.

What Tha?!?!

So I had written this really long pensive blog in which I word vomited but when I went to post it, it was all gone. Shit!

I was gonna get super irritated until I saw that Biker Jim's has the mac n cheese brat today and so now I'm ok :)

If your on a "my life sucks, I hate my job, I'm sick of making my boss richer, I'm too fat, my love life sucks" kick today, go to CNN and read the news: Jerusalem was bombed. The jobless are losing their benefits. The Libyans are fighting for their lives. The Japanese are facing radiation, homelessness and starvation.

Still think your life sucks? Ok. Change it.

I'd love to stay and chat, however I have a mac n cheese hot dog to eat but before I eat it, I'm going to say a heartfelt prayer of thanks for the life I have, ask for forgivenss over the opportunities I was given but squandered but most of all to have the gumption to take full advantage of the endless possibilities that still lie before me.

Friends....

I love people. Not just anybody...well, that's a lie. I like most people, but I love the people that understand me. Who know, that at one moment I want one thing, but the very next moment I loathe the very thing I wanted. Am I bi-polar?? LOL!! Maybe. I prefer the word self-preservant. I got to talk to a girlfriend that has known me since I was 5 years old. I can honestly say, besides my family she is my oldest friend. It was fantastic to talk to her and reminisce of home.

I also got an early morning wake up call from an old friend from college. 4am early. The only thing she wanted was to tell me that she loved and missed me. At 4am. Let me write that one more time: 4 in the freakin morning!!! No, I didn't swear that badly at her, but when I found out she was OK, I told her I was hanging up the phone now and would call her back at a respectable hour.

I had drinks with my friend Kiko yesterday. I laughed so hard I snorted. It was sooo exactly what I needed.

At first, I'm not gonna lie, I was super irritated that I was woken from my sleep cuz I don't sleep well, just for my girlfriend to tell me she loved me. As I lay there trying to fall back asleep, I had to smile and thank God for that phone call. Not everyone is as lucky to have friends like that. Who aren't afraid to tell you how they feel. Time can pass between us but the fact doesn't change that there is still love there. We don't have to talk everyday for us to know we care about each other, nor do we have to hang out all the blessed time!! As long as we can steal a few moments, that's all the fuel our friendship needs to keep going strong. I'm not pulled into 5 milion directions. What I can give them is more than enough. As I reflect back on this weekend, I'm thinking all this was divine intervention for the phone call I have to have later tonight. I'm not sure how it's going to end. I'm not sure if I'm going to hear that I'm a shitty friend and how disappointing I can be or that I'm not meeting all the expectations that were set for me. If I do hear that, I'm sure it will hurt but I can also reflect on the weekend that I've had which filled my heart with love....