I Love You.

So...this past Saturday was lil black dress nite. It was amazing.

Today I have more on my mind then that though. I couldn't sleep yet again last nite, so I left my TV on really low, thinking that the background noise would soothe me. Right as I was falling asleep I heard about the plane crash. This is one of my biggest fears. To die in a plane crash. I'm not afraid to die, but afraid of the way I'm going to die. I want to die peacefully, not screaming and terrified. I don't want my final moments on earth with tears, as I would imagine a plane crash would do to me. When September 11th hit, I was in such a state of anguish. When I watched the 2nd plane hit the towers, I fell to the floor sobbing. No, I didn't know anyone that died, but my heart ached for the people on the plane. They knew they were going to die. I couldn't imagine the horror they felt. I thought about the mothers trying to comfort their very confused children. I thought about everyone on that plane, who wished they had the opportunity to say I love you, to their loved ones, just one last time. As I sat on the floor crying, I thought of the families left behind, who had to try to piece together their broken lives.

My heart aches today as I hear on the news about the newest plane crash in Buffalo. I hope the people on the plane were sleeping peacefully, reading, or doing something other then knowing they were going to crash. I hope they never felt one tiny bit of hurt or pain. I feel for the families left behind, who had their loved ones ripped away from them. Death is always a painful ordeal, but to have someone taken from you suddenly, it leaves a deeper hole. I guess that's why my dad would always tell me to "live each day as my last."

To the families who lost loved ones on Flight 3407, I can't even begin to understand the enormous amount of pain you are in. There are no words that I can say to ease that pain and saying I'm sorry for your loss, is such an asinine statement. So I will simply say, May each day that dawns bring you some peace.

Life is too short for us to worry about trivial things. We get so caught up in them, that we forget to cherish the people around us until something tragic like this happens. Make sure all the people around you know that you love and cherish them. We shouldn't be telling everyone at a funeral how much the person in the casket meant to us. At that point, it's too late. Yes, we are all going to have some kinds of regret when someone close to us dies, but we can eliminate that by acting as if each day were our last. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Not even our very next breath. So let each minute count.

To my family and friends who read my blog, I love you. Immensely. My life wouldn't be the same without you in it.

Because I'm one too!

So for those of you who didn't know, I nanny. At first I was a little apprehensive about nannying some random child that I don't know, but it's turned out to be a lot of fun. Will is a great kid and I really enjoy spending time with him. We are currently working on his reading, so I take him to the library once a week and we get as many books as he wants. Then, we come home and read the books together. Last night we read a book called One Witch. It basically went from 1-10 with various creatures in the book. When we got to 5, there were 5 vampires with fresh blood. (I know that sounds creepy but the whole book was like this..oh and it was totally suitable for kids!) I read that line to him and he looked at the picture. Then he looked up at me and said, "You're a vampire." There was no question in his voice, just a simple statement.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a sick love of vampires. I love everything about them. My love started at Will's age...in kindergarten and has only grown. My mom thought I was going to grow out of this "phase" but nope!! I looked at Will shocked because I have never, ever spoken of this love of vampires to him. I said, what?? He said again "you're a vampire." I asked him what made him say that. He looked around the kitchen and motioned for me to come close to him and he said in a conspirators whisper "cuz I'm one too!!!!" I wanted to laugh out loud, but the look in his eyes was so serious that I dare not. So I simply nodded once to him. He nodded back, then turned the page to his book.

I love this kid :)

Little Black Dress

I'm in a content mood today. Maybe it was the buckwheat pancakes with banana's (which I am quite surprised that they were actually good) or the fact that I slept really well last night. I had a weird dream about the x hubby last night that had me saying WTF?!?!? at 5:30 this am. The sun is shining and I'm enjoying life. I've decided to quit pressuring myself into being what I'm "supposed" to be or do and just live life day by day. What's the point of stressing over the future and missing out on the now??

I had a great conversation with Nate last night. I was happy to hear how happy he was and how great his Vegas trip went. Lucky bastard :)

So my gf Cheryl is throwing a birthday party for me this weekend. My birthday is in a few weeks but since it's so close to Valentines Day she decided to throw it early. This will be my first actual birthday party where I plan nothing. My x hubby would "throw" me one, but it was always me who called people and organized it. Cheryl is doing everything. I have no clue what I'm doing except for the only clue she gave me: lots of dancing and drinking. I've already made up my mind not to get wasted because I am going snowboarding on Sunday. Snowboarding while hung over in higher elevations is a nightmare! We are wearing little black dresses, which should be fun. I ordered mine and got it yesterday. It's a little more scandalous then I thought it was gonna be. It's very open back.......Yikes....I'm starting to chicken out of wearing it, but I'm excited for us 10 girls to have fun....I banned cameras :)

Opened Doors.

I'm on a high....I went to a luncheon yesterday at a school here in Denver that teaches dual-language. So by the time the kids leave elementary they are fluent in English and Spanish. This is exactly what I'm looking for. To help my gente get ahead in life. To show them that there is a way of life other then manual labor like our parents. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but to show them it's ok to want better.

I emailed the principal and asked her if I could help out. She said yes, there is a girl who is struggling in English and could I tutor her. Now, I haven't tutored before so I'm a little nervous about it, but my first hurdle to tackle was Janine. I nanny a sweet boy from 3:45-6. That entails picking him up from school, helping him with homework and maybe feeding him if he's hungry. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do both at the same time, that maybe Janine wouldn't want to share me. So I took a leap of faith and asked her if she minded if I did this. I would be willing to take Will with me to tutor. She emailed me back saying, please do this. This school is amazing and I want you to take this opportunity to get some school experience. She is amazing!!

So I start next Thursday. Again, I'm a little nervous but this is a new exciting chapter in my life. I'm actually getting to do what I want to and that's to teach children.

Killer Bunnies

This weekend has been pretty chill. I spend Friday night on the phone with my great friend Nate discussing life. I have been stuck on wine for a while now and the really nice guy at our liquor store recommended a red to me that I absolutely love. So I suggested it to Nate. Now, this red is classy and I was QUITE disturbed when he said, I think I'll try it while I'm playing some WOW. I almost wrecked my car for my outrage!!!!! :)

I learned a new game this weekend: Killer Bunnies. I'm addicted. Seriously addicted. It's so bad that I dreamed of the stupid game on the first night of playing it! This game can be so vicious and that's part of the fun. I was laughing so hard I almost had tears the first night, but then last night it wasn't so funny....I was so hurt at the move my friend did in the game to sabotage me, I had tears in my eyes. Of course he laughed so hard he snorted, which made me only more sad! I thought at that point, this is ridiculous that I'm tearing up over a damn game. But even in his sabotaging, I still won the game....again!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!

It's snowing pretty bad out now and I wish I were snowboarding, not stuck in this office. But I'm grateful for a good job, so I won't complain....much. I'm wishing that I had a bf to come home to on snowy nights....where dinner would be ready (chili or something hot) and we could snuggle while watching movies......

Birthday Tizzy.......

Yikes....it's been quite a while since I've blogged. I've been out of town, busy and out of touch....so let's get caught up. I went home for Christmas and New Years. It was everything I wanted it to be. So much so, in fact, that I have decided to move back home to Cali. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have made up my mind. Cali baby, here I come! I'm very excited about this decision. I have peace with it and though I'm going to miss tons of great friends that I have made here, I'm done with Colorado...or the "ca-ca hole" as my dad calls it!!!

I went snowboarding with some friends this past Wednesday and kicked ass. It was the best I have ever, ever done. Maybe it was because I had a great instructor, or maybe it was because I just quit thinking and let my body react. Whichever it was, it worked cuz damn!!

I'm in a weird spot personally though.....I'm not sure why. No, that's a lie. I do know why. Next month is my birthday, I'll be a year older and no where close to where I wanted to be. But I really have no one to blame but myself. I'm working on things but Prince Charming is no where to be found, that bastard. Maybe that's my fault too. I'm just so fuckin picky!! I want a man who is extremely strong and won't mind putting me in my place (I need that every now and then) and who will speak up his damn mind. What's so hard in saying, Rae, you pissed me off today and this is why???? Is that really so hard?? I want someone with tattoos and who loves them like I love them. Someone who will understand that I can go from greatest woman in the world to bitch in .01 seconds. (And he'll still love me.) Someone who will snuggle with me when I occasionally need it. Someone who will understand that for the most part, I'm not a needy girl. I can handle my own and I deal with my issues on my own by re-treating into myself. Someone who will understand that me doing that isn't personal. This is just how I function. Someone who will understand I might want a baby one month, then the next month it's out of the fuckin question. Someone who loves to snowboard but will move with me to Cali...... Can I bio-engineer this man???? I don't need him to save me, cuz I don't need saving, but just someone to be with....to love....forever.

It's 9ish and I'm here at work to distract myself from my mood. I've been so good for the past month but this stupid impending birthday has me in a tizzy. Stupid birthday. No, that's not being grateful that I might see another birthday....stupid me for letting myself be in a tizzy over my birthday.

20 Days

My Thanksgiving weekend was pretty good. Busy but good. I got to spend it with Vernon's family. We went to his sister's house and relaxed, played games, talked and laughed...tons! It made me homesick but for the most part it was fun. Then Jaymie and I got up at the ungodly hour of 3:30 am to go shopping on Black Friday. It wasn't as chaotic as I thought it would be and we found some pretty good deals!

I'm starting to think that I need to hang around single people. Being around married couples all the time reminds me of what I had and stupidly let go. It's like a slap in the face and I'm starting to feel like maybe I am masochistic. Maybe I'm punishing myself by hanging around all these married friends. Don't get me wrong....they are tons of fun, but again, it's like ripping the wound open all over again.

The main drawback of hanging with single friends is the need for them to always go out. I'm so over that...being in the same clubs or bars and seeing the same ol people. That's not for me. Maybe I should take up a cooking class....

I was thinking yesterday that it had been an entire week since I had heard from Nate and I got a call while I was at church...it was Nate! The vampire magic must still be in the air for us. He left me a hilarious message and hearing about his life adventures makes me giggle. Although I don't think it made the 80 year old woman in front of him giggle, did it Nate??? I also got to talk to my cousin Charlie that I haven't spoken to in a very long time. It was good just to catch up and make plans for when I come home......

I'm anxiously counting down the days until I go home.....20 days to be exact!! 20 days until I get to see Nate and my family. 20 Days until I get to sleep in as long as I want, without worrying about being anywhere. 20 days until I sleep like a baby, with all my family under the same roof. 20 days until we are all at Blockbuster arguing over which movies to rent and leaving there an hour later with 5 movies! 20 days until all of us are eating dinner together, laughing and probably arguing too. 20 days until I'm at the beach. 20 days until I'm eating In N Out and Jack in the Box tacos! 20 days until I can have coffee with my daddy. 20 days until we are all in the kitchen making breakfast or dinner together. 20 days until I get to hug Tuna. 20 days until Pinky and I will be laying in her bed talking until 4 in the morning. 20 days until I put flowers on my mom's grave. 20 days is sooooo long........