The past 2 nights, I've had the strangest dreams. The day before yesterday I had a dream that had me literally crying. I dreamed my dad died. This is my worst fear. In my dream, I was walking towards his casket so I could see him one last time before it was time for him to be put into the ground, but I couldn't walk. I simply collapsed on the floor and was sobbing. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't talk, much less get up. I was paralyzed with the most heart-wrenching agony that I've never felt before. It felt like I was dying. Someone managed to pick me up and let me use their body as support. I couldn't tell who it was, only that is was a man. As we walked down to my dad's casket, I had to stop every few steps because my sobs were taking my strength. Every tear I cried was my life spilling from me. I couldn't go any further. Even in my dream, I couldn't see him in that box because that meant it was the end. It meant he would no longer be here with me. I simply could not make myself look at him. So I didn't go down any further then arms reach and because I didn't want to see him, I collapsed to the floor. I let my hand caress the casket as if willing him to get up for me. I could sense myself starting to panic in real life, so I kept telling myself this is a dream Rae, this is a dream....wake up. When I awoke, I was sobbing in real life too. My dream felt so real that for a moment I expected a family member to call and tell me my daddy had died. I had to pray to pull it together. I laid in bed crying for an hour, then I finally drifted back to sleep, while crying. I pray the day my daddy leaves this earth, I will have the strength to let him go.....but that hopefully won't be for a long, long, long time.
Last night's dream wasn't as traumatizing, but it was odd. I have been officially divorced for one year now. It's been a rough year. I still struggle with losing Matt, and wondering if that was the best decision, but there is nothing I can do now, but accept the life I have without him. It's not a bad life....just different. So my dream was about Matt last night. In my dream, he was holding me by my upper arms. He then gave me a huge hug and held my face while singing part of the song "Your Guardian Angel" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. "I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with your forever, I'll be there for you through it all...." And as he was singing, I was crying. They weren't tears of sadness, but of happiness. In my dream it felt like we were back together and this was his vow to me. As he finished with the 3rd line I went to kiss him and sang him the last verse...."Even if saving you sends me to heaven." This dream too was so vivid that when I woke up, I reached my hand over to feel Matt, but of course, he wasn't there.
Dreams...such strange creatures they are.
